The Following Is The Transcript Of An Actual Radio

[Kan Win]

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast of England. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision

U.S.NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

U.S.NAVY: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

U.S.NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THATS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH:We are a lighthouse. Now fox off.!!

LOL hahahahaha

[stevehaigh]

So did they blow up the lighthouse?

[dr_Pat_Pong]

So did they blow up the lighthouse?

The target would have been a bit too narrow for these poor blind buggers.

[Wolfie]

So did they blow up the lighthouse?

No they sunk one of their own destroyers and claimed it was friendly fire.

[TizMe]

An old joke dating back at least to the 1950s, now an urban legend still making the rounds.

Usually it is the Canadians though, not the British.

Never happened, of course, but it is funny.

The following did happen (maybe... maybe not), and is pretty funny, too.

During the Vietnam War, USS Turner Joy, a destroyer with 5-inch naval guns, spotted a target off the coast of North Vietnam. Assuming it friendly, a radio call was put out:

"This is the USS Turner Joy, Please identify yourself."

No response.

Signal lights were used:

"This is the USS Turner Joy, identify yourself, friend or foe."

No response.

Signal lights again:

"This is the USS Turner Joy, identify yourself or we will commence firing"

Answer: "This is battleship USS New Jersey, you may fire when ready!"

The captain of New Jersey, J. Ed Snyder Jr., says what really happened was this: the other warship was not Turner Joy, but a smaller vessel commanded by a lieutenant. There were two inquiries by signal light from the smaller craft, both of which New Jersey ignored. Synder later wrote,

My policy was not to release messages without my personal O.K. My OOD [officer of the deck] ignored the first two messages from the small naval vessel since they had her on radar and the visual call sign identified the sending ship but when the flashing light message saying "unknown vessel identify yourself or we will open fire" my OOD called me right away. The reason I had our signalmen use the 24 inch searchlight is that I was slightly ticked that the other naval vessel (the sending ship) should have been able to tell the difference between a Battleship on radar and a north Vietnam gun runner or fishing boat.

I was in the habit of not signing messages with our name since the message always had a heading telling who sent it and to whom it was addressed. I admit my reply was rather tense and not in the best naval tradition but we on the New Jersey felt nothing could hurt us and the crew enjoyed my reply which was, "OPEN FIRE WHEN READY. FEAR GOD. DREADNOUGHT." (DREADNOUGHT having a double meaning, i.e., fear not and the name the British gave to the first large battleships.)

Here's another lighthouse joke:

A few decades ago two men tended a lonely lighthouse. The day was stormy, with heavy seas. Through the fog they saw a small boat making its way toward them, with a sole occupant. Suddenly a wave capsized the boat and tossed the man into the water. The two men on shore sprang into action. Hurriedly they launched their own craft and fought their way through perilous and treacherous waters to reach the man. At last they got him aboard their boat.

"It's a good thing you rescued me," the dripping man said gratefully. "I’m from the IRS and there’s a problem with your tax returns.”

[fatter than harry]

Tiz, is there any way I can increase the size of your avatar?

[Harry Palmer]

[Insight]

You might of seen this before, but it's basically the original joke used for a Silva advert (commercial):

http://leech.dk/captain_win.wmv

[TizMe]

Tiz, is there any way I can increase the size of your avatar?

FTH,

If you send me your email address, I'll send you full size pic.

She was an inspiration after seeing bronco's Avatar.

Tiz.