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Classical Retorts.

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I don't know why this has popped into my head. Some years ago a group of us were in a bar. A friend of mine was being harassed by a bloke who was looking for a fight. My friend turned to him and said, "Listen mate I have one word to say to you, <deleted> off!"

It made the bar roar with laughter as we were all tuned in to what was happening. I have many more which I may add later. BTW they don't all have to be 'bar' based.

Personal experiences please...

The stage -

Pub in the North West of the UK.

Players -

Me

Chris (old friend)

Rob (fat git with too much mouth)

30 Eavesdroppers drinking

Tobias (legal consultant)

The scene-

Chris, Rob, Tobias and myself sitting around a table, drinking, obviously. Rob and myself having a fairly heated argument about his atrocious behaviour at a recent party........ Rob spits a mouthful of beer at me, so I launch an almost full pint of beer at him, Rob lurches to his feet and makes a grab for me over the table, Chris and Tobias force him back to his seat.

The ensuing chatter-

Chris: Rob, stop being such a f*cking w*nker.

Rob: I'm not a w*nker

Tobias: yes you are mate

Rob: no I'm not

Chris: (to the crowd) Hands up who thinks Rob's a w*nker

33 hands hit the ceiling ....... Rob leaves the bar with the accompaniment of riotous laughter and a volley of empty crisp packets.

(I know, you really had to be there)

1. A guy came into the F.C. and said " How do you get to Big C?"

I said " Have you got a car?"

He said " Yes"

So I said " Well Drive then"

2. A customer complained that there were spiders in the toilet

I returned with " We keep them there, to stop them running about in the Restaurant"

But my favourite, which came right out, and the guy still laughs about it when he comes here...........

A new customer phoned up.

" Farang Connection?" from me

" Do you speak English?" in a broad scottish accent.

" Bloody sight better than you do mate"

Sorry the three examples are all from me, but I love 'em. :o

O.K......one I remember from some one else.

R.A.F. Brize Norton Saturday night hop in the early seventies. We were having a grimmy contest. ( A male chauvanist competition, where we all put money in the pot, and the one with the ugliest bird takes the kitty) .........wait for it girls.

My mate Taffy, goes up to a girl on the dance floor, and says to her. " Would you like to dance? We're having a grimmy contest"

She turned round in a flash and said " I'd be delighted. So are we"

I've posted this one elsewhere in the forum, but it's so good it's worth a repeat for those that didn't catch it first time around.

Related to me by one of the local ex-pats who is also ex-armed forces.

A parade ground inspection, squadies all lined up, RSM walking the line. The RSM accidentally stumbles and one of the squadies let's out a small chuckle. RSM approaches him and prods him in the chest with his baton.

RSM......... "there's a c*nt on the end of this stick"

Squadie.... "not this end sir"

I once overheard a wife and husband in heated argument. The wife began castigating her husband over his infidelities. The husband retorted: "If you had as many sticking out of you as you had in you you'd like like a goddam_ned porcupine." :o

Him:What are you drinking wine for, do you think it'll make you look sophisticated?

Me:Yeah, what's your idea about a sophisticated Kiwi - electric shears ??

Him: I'm dating the bank manager, she's pretty hot.

Me: Did you leave her a small deposit ?

Girl who's name I've forgotten: "...but I do want us to be friends"

Me: (pause for reflection) "Actually, I have quite a few friends already so I don't really want to take on another, but thanks."

The look on her face was worth it :o

Longgggg time ago, but when at college i had just started dating a guy who was well known for 'baging' a lot of girls. One girl wouldnt stop bugging me about how hes a dick, will hurt my feelings, etc etc. I was always nice to her, but was grating on my nerves. (i was and still am fairly quiet. Hate making dramas.) One night out she followed me into the toilets and started giving me an earful again as i was waiting in the que. She was getting a bit annoyed that i was unresponsive and spat out "He will ###### you and leave you!" for all to hear, to which i calmly replied "its mutual, im only after a quick ###### myself". (not something i would usually say, so impact was pretty good). She looked at me gobsmacked, then curled up her lip in disgust and walked out. After that she didnt bother me anymore.

The guy in question, well as I didnt want to be a notch on the bedpost, I made him wait nearly 3 months to 'clinch the deal' in the bedroom (poor sod!), and remained together for just over 7 years. :o

1993 Esso refinery, Sriracha, on top of the oily water tank TK-1221.

Myself, Ian (rigger and heavy lifts) and Keith (welding and QC) having a heated discussion about welding.

Ian turns to Keith "welding cannot be that 'kin' difficult, women used to do it in WWII"

End of discussion. :o

In a local pub, a guy at a pay phone said to my mate

"can i borrow 10pence to call my friend"

My mate said "here's 20pence, call them all" :o

Still has me in giggles remembering the disgruntled look on the guy's face.

Don't see many pay phones either nowadays!!

After my divorce, first time in a singles club, I approached a group of women and invited one woman to dance.

She looked me carefully up and down and then said:

"No wish to offend but you're not my type".

So I said:

"No offence taken, everyone has preferences. I was looking for a virgin but since there are none here, I'm starting lower down the scale".

She was not amused but all her friends fell over laughing and each one came over in turn and asked me to dance.

In a local pub, a guy at a pay phone said to my mate

"can i borrow 10pence to call my friend"

My mate said "here's 20pence, call them all" :D

:o

Hey, Philbo, nice one. :D

Thai landlady: Jettie, your dog eat big boss fighting chicken. You pay Bt10,000.

Jettie: OK, Gip, my dog is worth Bt20,000. You take the dog and give me Bt10,000. Even.

A classic retort from a Geordie (known by another name on TV) when he was pissed in the Pub.

" A Geordie is only a Scotsman with no brains"

Of course the 'no' got inserted by the alkihole, but he will never live it doon.

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