My marriage is heading south. Dont know what to do.

[LaosLover]

I agree with the consensus that when you marry the woman, you also marry the culture. 

 

My friend in Japan has two kids who grew up there and prefer to speak Japanese at home. As they get older, this has become more of an issue.

 

So too his in-laws, who give him 5 minutes of stilted English at family events and then treat him like a 5th wheel.

 

If it's suck it up or go, you're prob going to end up in some version of suck it up (like my friend did). Much empathy.

Edited July 5, 2023 by LaosLover

[Yellowtail]

8 minutes ago, bignok said:

So why do you want a 10yo kid to be studying math for 4.5 hours a day dude?

I never said I thought the child should be studying math 4.5 hours a day Homer, you made that up. 

 

What I said was, that I understood the wife's position, and that I thought math was important.

 

You (apparently) think math is unimportant and as long as you give your kid a bunch of money when they turn 18, they'll do great.

 

 

 

[bignok]

1 minute ago, Yellowtail said:

I never said I thought the child should be studying math 4.5 hours a day Homer, you made that up. 

 

What I said was, that I understood the wife's position, and that I thought math was important.

 

You (apparently) think math is unimportant and as long as you give your kid a bunch of money when they turn 18, they'll do great.

 

 

 

Math is 6/10 important or 60% if you like. In other words it's not that important. Guy in America can barely add up and he's the leader.

[bignok]

3 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

as you give your kid a bunch of money when they turn 18, they'll do great.

 

Being given an asset worth $1m and having average math skills vs getting a beer for your 18th and being above average in math. The former will have a much better life. The later may end up in 7/11.

[Yellowtail]

Just now, bignok said:

Math is 6/10 important or 60% if you like. In other words it's not that important. Guy in America can barely add up and he's the leader.

So, if math is 6/10 important, and if we assume that 10 represents all that is important, can we not say that math is most important? 

 

 

[Purdey]

Compromise. The wife seems to want her kid to be successful. You want your kid to take a rest. Agree with the wife that education is important but allow the kid to have a lie in now and then. Consider a family break away from home and leave behind the text books.

[bignok]

12 minutes ago, LaosLover said:

I agree with the consensus that when you marry the woman, you also marry the culture. 

 

My friend in Japan has two kids who grew up there and prefer to speak Japanese at home. As they get older, this has become more of an issue.

 

So too his in-laws, who give him 5 minutes of stilted English at family events and then treat him like a 5th wheel.

 

If it's suck it up or go, you're prob going to end up in some version of suck it up (like my friend did). Much empathy.

Which is perhaps why you should pack up and leave if the naive mother doesn't wake up.

[bignok]

8 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

So, if math is 6/10 important, and if we assume that 10 represents all that is important, can we not say that math is most important? 

 

 

No it's not out of 10 total. 6 represents about average marks. 6/10 importance vs 9/10 importance for English.

Edited July 5, 2023 by bignok

[advancebooking]

3 hours ago, Plern said:

If you want your kid to be a success than it will be up at 5 and bed at 930. Build discipline and ability to focus.

 

Maybe you can review the work and have him do just the first few questions. If he understands the concept and has proved his work then perhaps cut that time down.

 

All the students I've ever taught, the best ones run themselves ragged.

 

Being admitted to the best public schools will require long hours of study.

It sounds like you're a teacher but maybe not a parent? Im both actually. 

 

I have to either 1. stay married and accept the situation and let her do whatever she wants with my child or 2. divorce and move out and let her do whatever she wants. 

[bignok]

3 minutes ago, advancebooking said:

It sounds like you're a teacher but maybe not a parent? Im both actually. 

 

I have to either 1. stay married and accept the situation and let her do whatever she wants with my child or 2. divorce and move out and let her do whatever she wants. 

Go then. Lots of better women out there.

[Yellowtail]

7 minutes ago, bignok said:

No it's not out of 10 total. 6 represents about average marks. 6/10 importance vs 9/10 importance for English.

So, what are all the high paying jobs you get speaking English? 

[LaosLover]

15 minutes ago, bignok said:

Which is perhaps why you should pack up and leave if the naive mother doesn't wake up.

Yeah, but like my friend being frozen out in Tokyo, life is a game of pick your pain.

 

From the tenor of his post, he'll be more miserable if he goes. Like Mr Tokyo, any threats of leaving or cutting off money will likely not be believable.

 

You can't put those cards out if you're not ready to play them. If you ARE ready to play them and you win, you will have a groundswell of passive aggressive resentment that will never go away.

 

I had similar problems in 2 marriages where the kids already in place were not always being raised as I would like. I never prevailed much. I called it taxation without representation.

 

Like I said, when you marry the woman, you marry the culture.

 

Even tho he's the bio-father, there's still a level of cultural distance that puts him somewhat in the step-parent role; in that the decision making will never be 50/50.

 

Hence my very reluctant suck it up suggestion.

Edited July 5, 2023 by LaosLover

[bignok]

4 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

So, what are all the high paying jobs you get speaking English? 

Ceos, doctors, dentists, lawyers.

[bignok]

2 minutes ago, LaosLover said:

Yeah, but like my friend being frozen out in Tokyo, life is a game of pick your pain.

 

From the tenor of his post, he'll be more miserable if he goes. Like Mr Tokyo, any threats of leaving or cutting off money will likely not be believable.

 

You can't put those cards out if you're not ready to play them. If you ARE ready to play them and you win, you will have groundswell of passive aggressive resentment that will never go away.

 

I had similar problems in 2 marriages where the kids already in place were not always being raised as I would like. I never prevailed much. I called it taxation without representation.

 

Like I said, when you marry the woman, you marry the culture.

 

Even tho he's the bio-father, there's still a level of cultural distance that puts him somewhat in the step-parent role; in that the decision making will never be 50/50.

 

Hence my very reluctant suck it up suggestion.

Culture varies. You marry the family is more accurate. He married the wrong one.

[LaosLover]

7 minutes ago, bignok said:

Culture varies. You marry the family is more accurate. He married the wrong one.

Unknowable to the likes of us. 

 

He has a hard choice, he asked for input, he got a good range of opinions, including from many who have walked his walk.

 

No one here has the wisdom to offer much more than to share their own story and toss him some empathy.

 

I def agree with his painfully honest assessment of his options.

 

 

Edited July 5, 2023 by LaosLover

[Taboo2]

Promise yourself that you will never get married again.

[advancebooking]

1 hour ago, BritManToo said:

Doctor and Dentist are the high paying jobs in your list, and you don't need much math for those.

But what you dont understand is that all students who want to study these disciplines have to be at the top of the class in Maths and Science in order to be accepted into the medical field. This is 100% factual and the reason why parents push the maths...

[advancebooking]

16 minutes ago, LaosLover said:

Yeah, but like my friend being frozen out in Tokyo, life is a game of pick your pain.

 

From the tenor of his post, he'll be more miserable if he goes. Like Mr Tokyo, any threats of leaving or cutting off money will likely not be believable.

 

You can't put those cards out if you're not ready to play them. If you ARE ready to play them and you win, you will have a groundswell of passive aggressive resentment that will never go away.

 

I had similar problems in 2 marriages where the kids already in place were not always being raised as I would like. I never prevailed much. I called it taxation without representation.

 

Like I said, when you marry the woman, you marry the culture.

 

Even tho he's the bio-father, there's still a level of cultural distance that puts him somewhat in the step-parent role; in that the decision making will never be 50/50.

 

Hence my very reluctant suck it up suggestion.

I like you way with words 'pick your pain' and  'taxation without representation'. 

[LaosLover]

1 minute ago, advancebooking said:

I like you way with words 'pick your pain' and  'taxation without representation'. 

Uh, been there, done that.

 

My #3 wife: permanently estranged from her family. I thank god every day for her pain from this (which she  painfully picked). I still live in fear of a reconciliation.

 

But you're never out of the woods. I'm dining with someone tonight who's 40 year old daughter is in a Lao prison for a heroin smuggling mess for 5 years.

 

I thought, damn, if you can't even relax when they're 40, I'm glad I got a vasectomy and am shooting blanks.

[bignok]

11 minutes ago, advancebooking said:

But what you dont understand is that all students who want to study these disciplines have to be at the top of the class in Maths and Science in order to be accepted into the medical field. This is 100% factual and the reason why parents push the maths...

Not at age 10. Age 15+ matters.

[Yellowtail]

22 minutes ago, bignok said:

Ceos, doctors, dentists, lawyers.

Which are you?

 

In any event, all of those require competence in math. 

[fredwiggy]

6 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Every time I read a thread like this I thank the deity I never had a kid(s) with any women. My 2 relationships may have failed, but at least there weren't any small lives created by me to be ruined along with the disasters.

Which is why you shouldn't bother replying, or giving advice, because you don't understand what goes on  in a family with your own kids. Thailand has a multitude of women who are narcissistic, who live their lives pushing the golden child to do good so they can look like they did it all themselves, when it was the child's desires who put them ahead. If the child fails, they blame others, and the child will be diminished in their eyes, saying he never listened to me. A child needs 8 hours sleep, for his or her health and mental stability. This child is still under 10, and their most important part of life is being healthy, and that means playtime ,a healthy diet,(which isn't easy here with permissive parents giving them junk all the time), enough sleep, and doing well in school. Just because a child is gifted in a subject doesn't mean they are going to succeed in life. It gives them a little better chance than others, but this country's schools are lacking in so many things it doesn't mean much until they go to college. They pass children who are failing a subject to get them to the next grade, which isn't helping them in any way. Ending a marriage isn't the best choice, unless it means your child has a better future, and with your wife being that stubborn, it doesn't look good, as communication between partners is the most important thing, and lack of it is the reason relationships fail. Been there . Moving back to your country would probably be the best bet, although losing a mom isn't good, unless she only looks at that child as her success story and not the child's. Schools are much better most anywhere besides here, and the child has a much better chance of doing well in another country as far as work. Your child's future is more important than anything else you can do, but your stability comes first to ensure that happens, and a marriage where this happens isn't going to help that kid anyway. You both have to agree on things regarding your child, and if that isn't going to happen, as the leader of the family, you have to make the decision that's best for your child.

Edited July 5, 2023 by fredwiggy

[Jackbenimble]

Married to a Thai for almost 15 years and she listens to nobody - even her friends grow weary of the fact she asks for but never takes their advice..........yet continues to make bad decisions. Learning from her mistakes is an alien concept.

Yours will not change either.........you either find a way to "deal" with it or you accept the reality of potentially losing your marriage and your kid. 

Sounds very black & white but that's exactly what is is when adult conversations and compromise are not an option. 

Fortunately me & mine dont have kids with each other but we do have a business together and so we also live & work together day in/day out................it is "testing" to say the least.

I have slowly constructed a seperate social life which helps with the irritation factor but it isn't a solution & it isn't healthy for a relationship.

Your situation has a child involved which complicates things tenfold.

I presume you can count to 10? Good luck!!

 

Edited July 5, 2023 by Jackbenimble

[BritManToo]

49 minutes ago, advancebooking said:

But what you dont understand is that all students who want to study these disciplines have to be at the top of the class in Maths and Science in order to be accepted into the medical field. This is 100% factual and the reason why parents push the maths...

I thought their parents just paid a bribe ........... either to the school to give the top marks, or the university to overlook the bad marks.

 

I gave my womans high-school teacher 500bht to take the high-school finals for her.

Way easier than her studying.

 

Bribes work for university places in the UK as well.

I had a chat with my kids headmaster, the university course director and the university admissions officer to ensure her place. They were all very co-operative.

Edited July 5, 2023 by BritManToo

[BritManToo]

49 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

So, what are all the high paying jobs you get speaking English? 

Financial services seem to make most money in the west, no particular qualification required

MP/Senator in Thailand, degree of any kind, right family or being a general required.

[Yellowtail]

53 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Financial services seem to make most money in the west, no particular qualification required

MP/Senator in Thailand, degree of any kind, right family or being a general required.

You seem to know very little of the job market in the US. 

 

"Finacial Services" with a master's degree in history from Harvard will get you a job making $50K a year at the bank selling investment vehicles to chumps. 

 

"Finacial Services" with a master's degree from Harvard in math will get you a job making $200K a year as an actuary at an insurance company. 

 

 

stem vs non stem salary - Google Search

 

 

Edited July 5, 2023 by Yellowtail
clarity

[LaosLover]

4 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

"Finacial Services" with a master's degree from Harvard in math will get you a job making $200K a year as an actuary at an insurance company. 

 

 

True. I was a headhunter on Wall Street. Quants (hard math analysts) were where I made real money.

 

Good looking, good talkers? Hard to squeeze a commission out of them.

[Smokey and the Bandit]

16 hours ago, JeffersLos said:

The one paying her monthly salary? 

Ha, you beat me to it!????

[BritManToo]

27 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

You seem to know very little of the job market in the US. 

I agree with everything you post.

 

Edited July 5, 2023 by BritManToo

[FritsSikkink]

17 hours ago, Felton Jarvis said:

I have never known a Thai person who would listen to ANY farang. They respond only to brute force from their superiors. I’ve met many Thai people who had college degrees and are still not able to make ends meet because the wages are so low. Still they run around grovelling to anyone who has a social position deemed “superior” to their own. A sad state of affairs.

What a load of nonsense. I work and have worked with a lot of Thai people who have a great education (not a micky mouse college degree). They have far more money than the average poster here. One can have great conversations about many topics and they don't grovel.