Want to improve mutual understanding in my relationship

[BangkokBernie]

Hello everyone - I'm new to this site, but I’ve been living in Thailand about 50% of the time since 2018 and have been in a relationship with a wonderful Thai woman (that I met in a yoga class) since around 1.5 years ago. 

We are both in our late forties and I feel we've developed a pretty solid bond within a short period of time, but there are a number of cultural nuances that I’m still struggling to absorb and understand.

Recently, she expressed a desire for me to participate in certain traditional practices that, from a Western perspective, seem quite unusual. For instance, she wants me to take part in a family ritual where we make elaborate merit making offerings to her deceased ancestors 2-3 times per year. While I respect her northern Thai traditions and Chinese origins, I feel somewhat out of place and unsure about how to approach this without seeming disrespectful or insincere.

Additionally, there's an expectation for me to handle any disputes in Thailand with a non-confrontational level of indirectness and subtlety that’s quite different from my usual straightforward approach. I’ve always valued open communication and directness in resolving conflicts, but this seems to cause discomfort and misjudgments in her view.

Moreover, my partner has often hinted at preferring that I take a more traditional masculine role at times. This clashes with my belief in equal partnership and shared opinions and input within a relationship. For example, she often wants me to make all the decisions when we travel on where we go, where we stay, where we eat, how we get there, etc and without her providing me with any useful or helpful input. I'm trying to adapt, but I’m uncertain how to balance these expectations with my own values and without causing more unwanted friction.

Then there are times when my partner’s family expects us to attend various social gatherings and ceremonies, which can be long, tiring, and often overwhelming for me. I enjoy spending time with her family at times, especially when it's a casual event, but the frequency and duration of some of the larger, more formal events are quite different to what I'm used to.

Another area of occasional tension has been around the concept of "saving face", which I'm sure many others here are also familiar with. In many situations, my partner prefers to avoid direct confrontation or admitting to any mistakes to maintain harmony and avoid embarrassment. I find this challenging as I’m used to addressing issues head-on to resolve them quickly, and I’m unsure how to navigate this cultural difference without seeming insensitive, disrespectful or creating even more misunderstandings. 

All these face saving performances also get in the way of progress at times and prevent one from expressing what one really wants. It seems like a big time waster. In a way it feels a bit like slow dancing to a romantic song, but without ever fully embracing one's partner as they should. 

Lastly, our differing attitudes towards personal privacy and sharing information have caused some additional challenges at times. My partner tends to share details about our relationship, even in fine detail about our sexual relations together, and other similar personal matters, with her close friends, which is quite different from my preference for keeping such things more private. This difference in boundaries and expectations around personal privacy sometimes leads to feelings of discomfort and vulnerability on my part.

Thus, I have begun to wonder how others from Western societies have managed to navigate these intricate cultural differences within their own relationships. I guess I hope to gain some insights from others here who might have more experience than I have in navigating relationships with Thai partners. 

[novacova]

2 minutes ago, BangkokBernie said:

For instance, she wants me to take part in a family ritual where we make elaborate merit making offerings to her deceased ancestors 2-3 times per year.

Just go through the motions.

3 minutes ago, BangkokBernie said:

Additionally, there's an expectation for me to handle any disputes in Thailand with a non-confrontational level of indirectness

Don’t get involved.

 

4 minutes ago, BangkokBernie said:

there are a number of cultural nuances that I’m still struggling to absorb and understand.

Don’t worry about it.

 

5 minutes ago, BangkokBernie said:

she often wants me to make all the decisions when we travel on where we go, where we stay, where we eat, how we get there, etc and without her providing me with any useful or helpful input.

Be creative and decisive, be a man already 

 

6 minutes ago, BangkokBernie said:

Then there are times when my partner’s family expects us to attend various social gatherings and ceremonies, which can be long, tiring, and often overwhelming for me.

Take time out and go nap

 

8 minutes ago, BangkokBernie said:

I guess I hope to gain some insights from others here who might have more experience than I have in navigating relationships with Thai partners.

Lighten up, if you can’t adapt then move on.

[RSD1]

6 minutes ago, novacova said:

Lighten up, if you can’t adapt then move on

Ouch, so heartless. 

[novacova]

1 minute ago, RSD1 said:

Ouch, so heartless. 

My wife says the same, it’s how I maintain sanity and respect. 

[RSD1]

Just now, novacova said:

My wife says the same, it’s how I maintain sanity and respect. 

Heartlessness earns respect? Really? In Thailand?

[marin]

Wow our newer members are having a get together...  Troll party time. 

 

 

[motdaeng]

20 minutes ago, BangkokBernie said:

We are both in our late forties and I feel we've developed a pretty solid bond within a short period of time ...

 

in every relationship there are challenges. but it sounds to me in your relationship are just too many! to find solutions which works for both of you in the long run seems unlikely. give it a try, and if it doesn't work out, there are plenty of decent thai ladies with less challenging demands ... all the best and good luck!

[Stanton681]

33 minutes ago, marin said:

Wow our newer members are having a get together...  Troll party time. 

 

 

Yes, the OP appears to be yet another one of the new trolls, yet people who should know better reply to him/it.

[Prubangboy]

I gave my various wives 15 days of family involvement a year. They'd usually run over the limit, but at least it kept a lid on it. Limit expectations, set boundaries. Her family, dead and alive, is her problem.

 

Millions of guys want submissive girlfriends. If it makes her wet for you to pick the restaurant, I'm not seeing a downside.

 

As the dominant partner, you can spank her if she's indiscrete about your sex life. For a modest uptick in effort, your life can be sexy heaven.

 

But yeah, AI always has a kind or overwritten style like this does.

[BigStar]

As problems w/ Thai women go, these are trivial. Sounds like a good lady, but very Thai, unaccustomed to farang, but not necessarily unreasonable. I'd try careful diplomacy first. First start with respectful, sympathetic, discussions, holding her hand, explaining the cultural differences and asking for flexibility and help on her part. Give that some time. If no success, then you'll have to be firmer in your requests but still respectful and sympathetic. Hopefully, your outright refusal won't be necessary, but avoid anger, usually makes things worse.

[OneMoreFarang]

2 hours ago, BangkokBernie said:

Moreover, my partner has often hinted at preferring that I take a more traditional masculine role at times. This clashes with my belief in equal partnership and shared opinions and input within a relationship. For example, she often wants me to make all the decisions when we travel on where we go, where we stay, where we eat, how we get there, etc and without her providing me with any useful or helpful input. I'm trying to adapt, but I’m uncertain how to balance these expectations with my own values and without causing more unwanted friction.

IMHO there is a boss in every relationship in Thailand.

If you are not the boss, then she is the boss. Simple as that.

So, even if you think you want an equal partner just accept that won't happen.

So, who do you want should be the boss in your relationship? You or Her?

And if you wait or waited too long to establish that you are the boss, then don't be surprised if she is the boss and tells you what to do.

And if that is already the case then good luck with changing that situation.

Maybe remember that for your next relationship with a Thai woman.

[BritManToo]

3 hours ago, BangkokBernie said:

Hello everyone - I'm new to this site, but I’ve been living in Thailand about 50% of the time since 2018 and have been in a relationship with a wonderful Thai woman (that I met in a yoga class) since around 1.5 years ago. 

Are you currently in Thailand?

[simon43]

3 hours ago, BangkokBernie said:

Hello everyone - I'm new to this site, but I’ve been living in Thailand about 50% of the time since 2018 and have been in a relationship with a wonderful Thai woman (that I met in a yoga class) since around 1.5 years ago. 

We are both in our late forties and I feel we've developed a pretty solid bond within a short period of time, but there are a number of cultural nuances that I’m still struggling to absorb and understand.

Recently, she expressed a desire for me to participate in certain traditional practices that, from a Western perspective, seem quite unusual. For instance, she wants me to take part in a family ritual where we make elaborate merit making offerings to her deceased ancestors 2-3 times per year. While I respect her northern Thai traditions and Chinese origins, I feel somewhat out of place and unsure about how to approach this without seeming disrespectful or insincere.

Additionally, there's an expectation for me to handle any disputes in Thailand with a non-confrontational level of indirectness and subtlety that’s quite different from my usual straightforward approach. I’ve always valued open communication and directness in resolving conflicts, but this seems to cause discomfort and misjudgments in her view.

Moreover, my partner has often hinted at preferring that I take a more traditional masculine role at times. This clashes with my belief in equal partnership and shared opinions and input within a relationship. For example, she often wants me to make all the decisions when we travel on where we go, where we stay, where we eat, how we get there, etc and without her providing me with any useful or helpful input. I'm trying to adapt, but I’m uncertain how to balance these expectations with my own values and without causing more unwanted friction.

Then there are times when my partner’s family expects us to attend various social gatherings and ceremonies, which can be long, tiring, and often overwhelming for me. I enjoy spending time with her family at times, especially when it's a casual event, but the frequency and duration of some of the larger, more formal events are quite different to what I'm used to.

Another area of occasional tension has been around the concept of "saving face", which I'm sure many others here are also familiar with. In many situations, my partner prefers to avoid direct confrontation or admitting to any mistakes to maintain harmony and avoid embarrassment. I find this challenging as I’m used to addressing issues head-on to resolve them quickly, and I’m unsure how to navigate this cultural difference without seeming insensitive, disrespectful or creating even more misunderstandings. 

All these face saving performances also get in the way of progress at times and prevent one from expressing what one really wants. It seems like a big time waster. In a way it feels a bit like slow dancing to a romantic song, but without ever fully embracing one's partner as they should. 

Lastly, our differing attitudes towards personal privacy and sharing information have caused some additional challenges at times. My partner tends to share details about our relationship, even in fine detail about our sexual relations together, and other similar personal matters, with her close friends, which is quite different from my preference for keeping such things more private. This difference in boundaries and expectations around personal privacy sometimes leads to feelings of discomfort and vulnerability on my part.

Thus, I have begun to wonder how others from Western societies have managed to navigate these intricate cultural differences within their own relationships. I guess I hope to gain some insights from others here who might have more experience than I have in navigating relationships with Thai partners. 

Hi ChatGPT, you're having a busy time recently on this forum 🙂

[Lacessit]

My approach is pretty simple. I set boundaries. I don't try to change my GF, she has zero chance of changing me.

 

I do tend to avoid confrontations, I simply walk away and never go back.

[Hummin]

3 hours ago, marin said:

Wow our newer members are having a get together...  Troll party time. 

 

 

At least this have some dignity and some cultural challenges most meet in a Normal relationship with a Thai.

 

I do not participate in their long lasting ceremonies or temple visits, and she never expected me to do so. I show face when we have anything at our home, eat with them, and pull back to my place. 

 

I have learned to make all the decisions, after we discuss when and what to do. 

 

We both air our frustrations loud and clear, and get it put.

 

Before when I was frustrated enough, I packed up my motorbike and left for a few days, no need anymore now, since we both adjusted well, and have a better understanding of our needs and space.