Right, let’s talk about something a bit personal and embarrassing that I never thought would be an issue, especially here in Thailand—public bathroom performance anxiety. With the tropical heat and spicy street food always in full force, staying hydrated is key, which, of course, means more trips to the bathroom. But needing to take a frequent slash isn’t the issue—that can be settled anywhere—it’s the unexpected sit-down part, once the chilis kick in, that can catch you with your pants down, literally. Here’s the problem: more often than not, I find myself frozen on the pot, stuck in a mental game of “let’s just get this over with.” Ironically, this mindset makes getting anything over with impossible when you’ve got your bung hanging over a mystery bowl—and a line of locals waiting outside, all needing to do the same thing, putting your nerves to the ultimate test.

 

Picture this: I’m out at a bustling night market in Bangkok or a packed food court in Chiang Mai. It’s hot, crowded, and by the time I finally reach the restroom, there’s a line and zero privacy. People just a few feet away, noise from all corners—every part of it adds to the mental block. Once the thought’s there, it’s game over. My brain flips a switch, and suddenly it feels like everyone’s silently waiting for me to “perform” on cue. The pressure builds up, and before I know it, I’m walking out as if I didn’t even need to go.

 

I’ve tried all the tricks in the book to stay calm, even taken up a little meditation to try “quieting the mind.” But seriously, when you’re stuck in a sweltering hot stall with a stranger in the next one over, meditation’s the last thing on your mind. Breathing exercises feel a bit ridiculous when you’re just trying not to act conspicuous, and frankly, I’ve had it with the strange looks from the locals who probably think I’m some foreign weirdo having an existential crisis in a public bathroom.

 

Then there’s the food situation. Thai food is incredible, no doubt, but it’s also got a way of hitting back at the least convenient times. It only takes one round of som-tam or some fiery larb during a night out at a food market to find yourself in a bit of a bind. When that heat kicks in, there’s no time to casually scope out a comfortable crapper. It instantly becomes a game of bog roulette, and you just have to hope for the best.

 

And that’s when the adventure really begins. Sometimes it’s just a squat toilet and a bucket, or maybe a Western toilet that’s doubling as a squat toilet—dirty footprints on the seat and all. The whole place is usually soaking wet. Not sure if it’s from the rinsing culture or a “cleanup gone wrong,” but everything from the floor to the seat is also covered in a bit of mystery water with some unknown bits sprinkled in. Meanwhile, you’re trying to find a dry place for your feet, your bag—anything you don’t want picking up a little extra “authenticity”, but it's not happening. 

 

Privacy? Forget it. A lot of times, there’s barely much of a secure door. Food courts, small local restaurants, and even some gas stations just have a stall with a flimsy plastic partition and a lock that doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. Meanwhile, there’s always a line of patient locals outside, and though you can’t see them, you can feel them waiting with that passive aggressive unbothered, “whenever you’re ready” vibe. Nothing says “take your time” like a silent crowd, just waiting. Not to mention, with each second passing, it feels like they’re telepathically sensing every delay, turning it into a kind of performance—and one you feel you’re definitely failing. And then there’s always the guy in the stall next door, farting incessantly while breathing out heavy sighs—which definitely doesn’t add to the relaxation needed to drop a solid anchor.

 

To cope, I’ve thought about planning bathroom stops before even thinking about a food market or a curry-heavy dinner. At this point, I’ve memorized a few of the malls and larger spots close to me that have a decent thunderbox setup, and I may try to start mapping my day around those places. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but if you’ve ever been in a food hall bathroom that’s seen better days, then you know what I mean.

 

So yeah, anyone else dealing with this kind of keister stage fright? Or even better, has anyone cracked the code on handling the “spice meets squat” combo that keeps popping up? Would love some ideas that don’t involve cutting down on spicy Thai food or avoiding the amazing market eats altogether.

I've been living in Thailand for the past 24 years. On the first trip I got that sick I was passing water for nearly 2 weeks. Since then I only eat Thai food cooked by my wife or eateries that I know that agree with me. As for soi and market foods give them a big miss as you have no idea how old they are or how long it's been out in the sun. Thais think we're all tourists and many don't care if their food isn't up to scratch as think that they'll never see us again.

would never eat anything on wheels as it's been all over Sukhumvit site seeing for the last 8 hours.

 

only eat at a couple of franchise clean restaurants,  you know they have to meet certain QC attainments. 

 

 

There is nothing wrong eating food from a Thai stall that is frequented by Thais and is popular - the food is freshly-cooked and the locals wouldn't eat there if they were getting sick.  In 22+ years of eating food in south-east Asia, I have NEVER got sick....  I just use common-sense and avoid stalls with zero customers.

 

As for the OP's toilet problem, stop eating chili peppers if they have that effect on you!  jeez - it's not rocket science....

3 hours ago, 123Stodg said:

Right, let’s talk about something a bit personal and embarrassing that I never thought would be an issue, especially here in Thailand—public bathroom performance anxiety. With the tropical heat and spicy street food always in full force, staying hydrated is key, which, of course, means more trips to the bathroom. But needing to take a frequent slash isn’t the issue—that can be settled anywhere—it’s the unexpected sit-down part, once the chilis kick in, that can catch you with your pants down, literally. Here’s the problem: more often than not, I find myself frozen on the pot, stuck in a mental game of “let’s just get this over with.” Ironically, this mindset makes getting anything over with impossible when you’ve got your bung hanging over a mystery bowl—and a line of locals waiting outside, all needing to do the same thing, putting your nerves to the ultimate test.

 

Picture this: I’m out at a bustling night market in Bangkok or a packed food court in Chiang Mai. It’s hot, crowded, and by the time I finally reach the restroom, there’s a line and zero privacy. People just a few feet away, noise from all corners—every part of it adds to the mental block. Once the thought’s there, it’s game over. My brain flips a switch, and suddenly it feels like everyone’s silently waiting for me to “perform” on cue. The pressure builds up, and before I know it, I’m walking out as if I didn’t even need to go.

 

I’ve tried all the tricks in the book to stay calm, even taken up a little meditation to try “quieting the mind.” But seriously, when you’re stuck in a sweltering hot stall with a stranger in the next one over, meditation’s the last thing on your mind. Breathing exercises feel a bit ridiculous when you’re just trying not to act conspicuous, and frankly, I’ve had it with the strange looks from the locals who probably think I’m some foreign weirdo having an existential crisis in a public bathroom.

 

Then there’s the food situation. Thai food is incredible, no doubt, but it’s also got a way of hitting back at the least convenient times. It only takes one round of som-tam or some fiery larb during a night out at a food market to find yourself in a bit of a bind. When that heat kicks in, there’s no time to casually scope out a comfortable crapper. It instantly becomes a game of bog roulette, and you just have to hope for the best.

 

And that’s when the adventure really begins. Sometimes it’s just a squat toilet and a bucket, or maybe a Western toilet that’s doubling as a squat toilet—dirty footprints on the seat and all. The whole place is usually soaking wet. Not sure if it’s from the rinsing culture or a “cleanup gone wrong,” but everything from the floor to the seat is also covered in a bit of mystery water with some unknown bits sprinkled in. Meanwhile, you’re trying to find a dry place for your feet, your bag—anything you don’t want picking up a little extra “authenticity”, but it's not happening. 

 

Privacy? Forget it. A lot of times, there’s barely much of a secure door. Food courts, small local restaurants, and even some gas stations just have a stall with a flimsy plastic partition and a lock that doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. Meanwhile, there’s always a line of patient locals outside, and though you can’t see them, you can feel them waiting with that passive aggressive unbothered, “whenever you’re ready” vibe. Nothing says “take your time” like a silent crowd, just waiting. Not to mention, with each second passing, it feels like they’re telepathically sensing every delay, turning it into a kind of performance—and one you feel you’re definitely failing. And then there’s always the guy in the stall next door, farting incessantly while breathing out heavy sighs—which definitely doesn’t add to the relaxation needed to drop a solid anchor.

 

To cope, I’ve thought about planning bathroom stops before even thinking about a food market or a curry-heavy dinner. At this point, I’ve memorized a few of the malls and larger spots close to me that have a decent thunderbox setup, and I may try to start mapping my day around those places. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but if you’ve ever been in a food hall bathroom that’s seen better days, then you know what I mean.

 

So yeah, anyone else dealing with this kind of keister stage fright? Or even better, has anyone cracked the code on handling the “spice meets squat” combo that keeps popping up? Would love some ideas that don’t involve cutting down on spicy Thai food or avoiding the amazing market eats altogether.

Usually when I find a post like this I say to myself, "Low Post Count" and then check the number of posts of the Op.
Hey, surprise surprise - No surprises at all.  Where do you people come from?  Oh, I know: "The West."  So nevermind.

38 minutes ago, simon43 said:

There is nothing wrong eating food from a Thai stall 

 

and I guess those 2000 large black flies that stop by to use your chicken as a landing pad and a nice poop place will just add flavour,  then with the sun on it for 6 hours means it's already half cooked for you. 

 

 

41 minutes ago, simon43 said:

There is nothing wrong eating food from a Thai stall that is frequented by Thais and is popular - the food is freshly-cooked and the locals wouldn't eat there if they were getting sick.  In 22+ years of eating food in south-east Asia, I have NEVER got sick....  I just use common-sense and avoid stalls with zero customers.

 

As for the OP's toilet problem, stop eating chili peppers if they have that effect on you!  jeez - it's not rocket science....

I've been sick twice in Thailand after eating food - both times at an Internationally known fast-food restaurant which I won't name due to Thai Machiavellian defamation laws.

In other news, who just had an E.coli scare in the United States?  🤔

I've been here 17+ years and have often eaten at Thai food stalls and street vendors and I have NEVER been sick afterwards.
The food is inexpensive and tastes great. 

Squat toilets are one of my least favorite things on the entire planet, as we get older our knees aren't what they once were. These toilets are just horrendous, when you factor in the lack of a proper hose and the lack of toilet paper it's not a very pleasant situation. Plus there's usually no place to hang your shorts so they end up getting wet and the whole thing is just one big mess. Yikes. 

Put in some headphones, close your eyes, and just let go.  Thai people are used to diarrhea explosions, they hear them all the time.

Nobody seems to really understand the OP. He doesn't have a problem with Thai street/market food. He is mainly just looking for a clean, quiet toilet to take a nice dump when he's outside and/or after he eats some spicy Thai food.
 

I just stick with hotels and big shopping malls. Usually can't go wrong that way. 

Key Asian Emergency Kit in your man purse:

 

Kleenex size pack of toilet paper

Earplugs to drown out the sound of splashing faeces and staccato farts

A pair of Sian Pure ya doms for nostril insertion for stench control

 

One of the reasons I NEVER leave my home without shoes and socks is for unexpected bowel distress in an area where the squat is partially flooded. Far easier just to toss your socks away in case of splash.

3 hours ago, 123Stodg said:

To cope, I’ve thought about planning bathroom stops before even thinking about a food market or a curry-heavy dinner. At this point, I’ve memorized a few of the malls and larger spots close to me that have a decent thunderbox setup, and I may try to start mapping my day around those places. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but if you’ve ever been in a food hall bathroom that’s seen better days, then you know what I mean.

When I first came to Thailand in 1999 toilets were a lot scarcer and more disgusting than they are now. I spent some time looking around hotels asking prices and using the toilet, whether necessary or not.

When out and about if nature called could just walk straight into a hotel knowing where to go.

14 minutes ago, Yagoda said:

Key Asian Emergency Kit in your man purse:

 

Kleenex size pack of toilet paper

Earplugs to drown out the sound of splashing faeces and staccato farts

A pair of Sian Pure ya doms for nostril insertion for stench control

 

One of the reasons I NEVER leave my home without shoes and socks is for unexpected bowel distress in an area where the squat is partially flooded. Far easier just to toss your socks away in case of splash.

Wet wipes! 

13 minutes ago, sandyf said:

When I first came to Thailand in 1999 toilets were a lot scarcer and more disgusting than they are now. I spent some time looking around hotels asking prices and using the toilet, whether necessary or not.

When out and about if nature called could just walk straight into a hotel knowing where to go.

Yes, I also suggested hotels because, as a foreigner, you can pretty much walk into any hotel to use the lobby restroom and they will usually just assume you are a hotel guest. 
 

Having said that, some of the big malls now even have those automated Japanese toilet seats which do all backside the cleanup for you. So they have already come a long way. 

I remember the days when they still had squat toilets on the trains. Trying to relax as you held onto the walls while being tossed side to side.

20 minutes ago, Yagoda said:

A pair of Sian Pure ya doms for nostril insertion for stench control

Back in the day, I used to see Thai guys hanging out the side windows of those little green death buses in Bangkok, looking as if they were practically suffocating, and with a double barreled inhaler stuffed up both nostrils at the same time. Always gave me a good giggle. Not sure if they still sell those or not???

4 hours ago, 123Stodg said:

Right, let’s talk about something a bit personal and embarrassing that I never thought would be an issue, especially here in Thailand—public bathroom performance anxiety. With the tropical heat and spicy street food always in full force, staying hydrated is key, which, of course, means more trips to the bathroom. But needing to take a frequent slash isn’t the issue—that can be settled anywhere—it’s the unexpected sit-down part, once the chilis kick in, that can catch you with your pants down, literally. Here’s the problem: more often than not, I find myself frozen on the pot, stuck in a mental game of “let’s just get this over with.” Ironically, this mindset makes getting anything over with impossible when you’ve got your bung hanging over a mystery bowl—and a line of locals waiting outside, all needing to do the same thing, putting your nerves to the ultimate test.

 

Picture this: I’m out at a bustling night market in Bangkok or a packed food court in Chiang Mai. It’s hot, crowded, and by the time I finally reach the restroom, there’s a line and zero privacy. People just a few feet away, noise from all corners—every part of it adds to the mental block. Once the thought’s there, it’s game over. My brain flips a switch, and suddenly it feels like everyone’s silently waiting for me to “perform” on cue. The pressure builds up, and before I know it, I’m walking out as if I didn’t even need to go.

 

I’ve tried all the tricks in the book to stay calm, even taken up a little meditation to try “quieting the mind.” But seriously, when you’re stuck in a sweltering hot stall with a stranger in the next one over, meditation’s the last thing on your mind. Breathing exercises feel a bit ridiculous when you’re just trying not to act conspicuous, and frankly, I’ve had it with the strange looks from the locals who probably think I’m some foreign weirdo having an existential crisis in a public bathroom.

 

Then there’s the food situation. Thai food is incredible, no doubt, but it’s also got a way of hitting back at the least convenient times. It only takes one round of som-tam or some fiery larb during a night out at a food market to find yourself in a bit of a bind. When that heat kicks in, there’s no time to casually scope out a comfortable crapper. It instantly becomes a game of bog roulette, and you just have to hope for the best.

 

And that’s when the adventure really begins. Sometimes it’s just a squat toilet and a bucket, or maybe a Western toilet that’s doubling as a squat toilet—dirty footprints on the seat and all. The whole place is usually soaking wet. Not sure if it’s from the rinsing culture or a “cleanup gone wrong,” but everything from the floor to the seat is also covered in a bit of mystery water with some unknown bits sprinkled in. Meanwhile, you’re trying to find a dry place for your feet, your bag—anything you don’t want picking up a little extra “authenticity”, but it's not happening. 

 

Privacy? Forget it. A lot of times, there’s barely much of a secure door. Food courts, small local restaurants, and even some gas stations just have a stall with a flimsy plastic partition and a lock that doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. Meanwhile, there’s always a line of patient locals outside, and though you can’t see them, you can feel them waiting with that passive aggressive unbothered, “whenever you’re ready” vibe. Nothing says “take your time” like a silent crowd, just waiting. Not to mention, with each second passing, it feels like they’re telepathically sensing every delay, turning it into a kind of performance—and one you feel you’re definitely failing. And then there’s always the guy in the stall next door, farting incessantly while breathing out heavy sighs—which definitely doesn’t add to the relaxation needed to drop a solid anchor.

 

To cope, I’ve thought about planning bathroom stops before even thinking about a food market or a curry-heavy dinner. At this point, I’ve memorized a few of the malls and larger spots close to me that have a decent thunderbox setup, and I may try to start mapping my day around those places. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but if you’ve ever been in a food hall bathroom that’s seen better days, then you know what I mean.

 

So yeah, anyone else dealing with this kind of keister stage fright? Or even better, has anyone cracked the code on handling the “spice meets squat” combo that keeps popping up? Would love some ideas that don’t involve cutting down on spicy Thai food or avoiding the amazing market eats altogether.

Perhaps if you were comfortable in your own skin this wouldn’t be such an issue for you. Try this…don’t think about it.

1 hour ago, steven100 said:

 

and I guess those 2000 large black flies that stop by to use your chicken as a landing pad and a nice poop place will just add flavour,  then with the sun on it for 6 hours means it's already half cooked for you. 

 

 

If Thais can eat it and don't get sick, then so can I!  The problem with 'city folk' is that they have weak immune systems.  A bit of fly poop never harmed country folk.

 

Thanks to my dear old mum's atrocious cooking and total lack of culinary hygiene, my digestive system is like cast iron.....

2 minutes ago, RSD1 said:

Yes, I also suggested hotels because, as a foreigner, you can pretty much walk into any hotel to use the lobby restroom and they will usually just assume you are a hotel guest. 
 

Having said that, some of the big malls now even have those automated Japanese toilet seats which do all backside the cleanup for you. So they have already come a long way. 

Yes there has been a lot of new developments go up since I first came. Mikes was about the only one in the old days and they had no toilets on the ground floor.

2 minutes ago, bunnydrops said:

I remember the days when they still had squat toilets on the trains. Trying to relax as you held onto the walls while being tossed side to side.

Even standing up to take a squirt was a challenge, as the train swirled back and forth, making it difficult to avoid peeing on yourself.

11 minutes ago, RSD1 said:

Wet wipes! 

If you can get the small travel packs they are great. So are the Prep H wipes, so soothing and cooling as the fragments of prik spewing capsaicin cling to your sensitive bottom parts.

4 minutes ago, simon43 said:

If Thais can eat it and don't get sick, then so can I!  The problem with 'city folk' is that they have weak immune systems.  A bit of fly poop never harmed country folk.

 

Thanks to my dear old mum's atrocious cooking and total lack of culinary hygiene, my digestive system is like cast iron.....

It's even worse than you think. Flies cannot chew solid food, so they vomit digestive enzymes onto the food to liquefy it before eating. This process, along with their tendency to defecate frequently, can also introduce pathogens onto your food from previous meals. Also, the fly might have been just feasting on some dog poo right before he landed on your som tom. Enjoy!

You think too much.

Reminds me of our British friend a couple of months back.

No qualms at all. 
 

 

2 minutes ago, Yagoda said:

If you can get the small travel packs they are great. So are the Prep H wipes, so soothing and cooling as the fragments of prik spewing capsaicin cling to your sensitive bottom parts.

TBH, you do need to be a bit careful with which brand of those wipes you use. A lot of them have too many chemicals in them, which can irritate sensitive bungholio skin. But they are great for cleaning off the toilet seat and the toilet hose before you get down to business pushing out loafs. There are a few brands of the wipes though that contain pretty much nothing but water. Those are probably best. 

6 minutes ago, RSD1 said:

Back in the day, I used to see Thai guys hanging out the side windows of those little green death buses in Bangkok, looking as if they were practically suffocating, and with a double barreled inhaler stuffed up both nostrils at the same time. Always gave me a good giggle. Not sure if they still sell those or not???

Yeah, they sure do. I brought some Vicks inhalers back from the USA and gave them out as gifts. America Ya dom! If you see any girls in Rainbow 5 or Billboard with a Vicks to their nostril, thats me!

 

Pro Tip: Snort one in Thermae if you want to attract attention from the girls. They wont immediately think you are a tourist and kick up your rate. Also, its a great ice breaker if you are stuck behind a bunch of loud chinese, just whip out your Sian Pure, stuff it up your nose, give an eyeroll at the Chinese and wink at the girls. Even better when you have a crowd of Indians, do it in an Indian club too, (thats the ticket being the Westerner in an Indian club).

2 minutes ago, MalcolmB said:

You think too much.

Reminds me of our British friend a couple of months back.

No qualms at all. 
 

 

My hero. 

Just now, MalcolmB said:

You think too much.

Reminds me of our British friend a couple of months back.

No qualms at all. 
 

 

Whatever happened to that bloke? It was kind of a sad story. I hope they realized he had mental health issues and got him some help. Or maybe he was just French.  

4 hours ago, 123Stodg said:

I find myself frozen on the pot

You do that? No public toilets for me... what if someone throws a cat on you? 

3 minutes ago, Yagoda said:

Yeah, they sure do. I brought some Vicks inhalers back from the USA and gave them out as gifts. America Ya dom! If you see any girls in Rainbow 5 or Billboard with a Vicks to their nostril, thats me!

 

Pro Tip: Snort one in Thermae if you want to attract attention from the girls. They wont immediately think you are a tourist and kick up your rate. Also, its a great ice breaker if you are stuck behind a bunch of loud chinese, just whip out your Sian Pure, stuff it up your nose, give an eyeroll at the Chinese and wink at the girls. Even better when you have a crowd of Indians, do it in an Indian club too, (thats the ticket being the Westerner in an Indian club).

What you need is a double barreled inhaler though to make sure there isn't any chance that you are breathing any real air. 
 

9 minutes ago, RSD1 said:

It's even worse than you think. Flies cannot chew solid food, so they vomit digestive enzymes onto the food to liquefy it before eating. This process, along with their tendency to defecate frequently, can also introduce pathogens onto your food from previous meals. Also, the fly might have been just feasting on some dog poo right before he landed on your som tom. Enjoy!

I'm a scientist - I'm well-aware of how flies digest their food 🙂  I seem to have survived so far!