Relationship advice / your experiences - No card or gift

[SMIAI]

@fredwiggy

 

Quote

I'm sorry but that attitude shows a blatant disregard for the feelings of the gift giver. Maybe in the long run you didn't deserve many if not most of them?

 

You might consider that if I didn't deserve them, I wouldn't have been given them in the first place. 

I'm sorry, but don't remember asking for your advice. I certainly wouldn't ask a male self styled 'Agony Aunt' with failed marriages and some bought and paid for relationships behind him, stuck in Thailand with a young kid at 78 years old, for advice. But thanks anyway.

The OP asked for our experiences, so perhaps you should limit your posts to your experiences.

What happened to "You be you, she'll be her"

Perhaps some of us aren't that interested in material things. But I guess you didn't read that in your books. 

 

[fredwiggy]

16 minutes ago, SMIAI said:

@fredwiggy

 

 

You might consider that if I didn't deserve them, I wouldn't have been given them in the first place. 

I'm sorry, but don't remember asking for your advice. I certainly wouldn't ask a male self styled 'Agony Aunt' with failed marriages and some bought and paid for relationships behind him, stuck in Thailand with a young kid at 78 years old, for advice. But thanks anyway.

The OP asked for our experiences, so perhaps you should limit your posts to your experiences.

What happened to "You be you, she'll be her"

Perhaps some of us aren't that interested in material things. But I guess you didn't read that in your books. 

 

If you look around, most marriages fail, and many more are still together out of fear from something. I don't pay for relationships besides losing some because of bad choices of partners with children involved, but have gotten them because I treat women well. Most relationships end because of different future plans, and aren't anyone's fault, so I see you haven't much life experience besides thinking you deserve gifts from people, although they obviously didn't mean much to you, and they were wrong about their feelings for you. By the way, I'm not 78, and not stuck in Thailand but waiting to re establish back home, which takes time. Might try thinking why you never opened up those gifts. And it wasn't advice but pointing out the obvious.

[Ben Zioner]

3 hours ago, CaptainAdcap said:

I have been in a loving relationship with a great Thai woman who is 40 years old and who had a long term bad Farang marriage prior to our relationship. She works hard every day in her business, no money demands, I pay the bills. She truly loves me, I can feel it. She is that kind of person who does not want to remember anything, it's easier that way, every day is a birthday, Christmas, Valentines Day or anniversary. That is my issue, zero gifts, not even a card, she gets both and curiously keeps them at the head of our bed. So it means something, yet it doesn't ??? It sort of hurts, my issue I guess. THOUGHTS ???  THANK YOU for your responses in advance. Be well...

You are the DG (Designated Giver).

[ElwoodP]

Off topic bickering between two members removed.

Discuss the op topic, not each other please.

[Gecko123]

5 hours ago, SMIAI said:

My Thai friends gave me gifts. Many. It's absolutely incorrect to suggest that Thai people do not give gifts. It's not, as suggested a 'cultural thing' for Thai people to not give gifts. That is ridiculous.

 

1. No one said "Thai people do not give gifts." I said "recognizing the events the OP listed" [birthday, Christmas, Valentines Day or anniversary] [...through gift giving...] isn't part of Thai culture. That's not to say that gift giving at birthday parties for young children or between couples in the courtship phase of a relationship doesn't occur, especially in upper class or urban areas who have had more exposure to Western tradition through exposure to foreigners at home or travel abroad. But in Thailand's rural heartland (which is the wellspring of Thai culture) it occurs on a very limited basis, and is a relatively recent phenomena, largely borrowed from abroad.

 

2. When you say "my Thai friends give me many gifts," what exactly are you talking about? Are you talking about the exchange of presents at birthdays or at Christmas with a romantic interest? OK, I'll accept that. But I would ask who initiated the gift-giving and to what extent the reciprocation of your gift giving was "pump priming" or attempts to model their behavior to meet your expectations in order to keep the largesse flowing.

 

The reason I am skeptical of your assertion is because in 20+ years of living in a village I have rarely observed gift giving at birthday parties, wedding anniversaries, Song Kran, New Year, etc.) between Thai-Thai couples. If you're talking about gift exchanges with more casual friends, particularly between men, I would describe that as very, very infrequent, virtually unheard of. The concept of "nurturing the marriage" in order to "keep the romance alive" does not seem to be embraced here. Thais are very pragmatic in their approach to marital relations.

 

You made a rather unpleasant comment to another poster ridiculing them essentially as an old fogey who was trapped in Thailand, leaving me with the impression that you are  of a younger generation, who runs with a more Westernized crowd which has made Western style gift-giving part of their lifestyle. Or maybe that's just the impression you wanted to leave. We'll never know, but I stand by my earlier statement that Western style gift giving at life events such as birthdays and wedding anniversaries is not that common in Thailand. Husbands might buy their wife a piece of gold jewelry if the harvest was particularly good, and donations are made at weddings, ordination ceremonies, and funerals to defray costs. Nothing I said was meant to infer that Thais are less generous in spirit than Westerners.

[SMIAI]

At @Gecko123

 

My Quote button is not working. You have obviously assumed, incorrectly, that I was referring to your post.

I wasn't referring to those events in particular, but gift giving in general. I can only refer to my experiences.

 

So lets move to 2.

Gift giving was initiated by the female. There was no ''largesse' on my part. Nor gifts in return. 

 

Related or unrelated to that is the exchange of gifts and kindnesses between friends and acquaintances alike. Perhaps it depends on the kinds of relationships that you nurture. 

 

Pay no attention to the comments made in the discussion with the aforementioned poster. Don't take them to heart. They weren't for your ears. Perhaps characterised as a rude person getting a taste of his own medicine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[DarthChuckler]

19 hours ago, CaptainAdcap said:

I have been in a loving relationship with a great Thai woman who is 40 years old and who had a long term bad Farang marriage prior to our relationship. She works hard every day in her business, no money demands, I pay the bills. She truly loves me, I can feel it. She is that kind of person who does not want to remember anything, it's easier that way, every day is a birthday, Christmas, Valentines Day or anniversary. That is my issue, zero gifts, not even a card, she gets both and curiously keeps them at the head of our bed. So it means something, yet it doesn't ??? It sort of hurts, my issue I guess. THOUGHTS ???  THANK YOU for your responses in advance. Be well...

Dude! Are things so important to you? Do you want actions or stuff?

[newbee2022]

You will get many posts here referring to money only what she is expecting.

And you will get many posts to save your money because one day...you might be alone.

My experience is quite different. I told it here on AN.

It's about mutual understanding, taking and giving. Money shouldn't be involved because you will share it, as in any marriage everywhere.

Show her you respect her as your wife/partner with  some affections, kindness and try to find out where she wants to be with you in 5 or 10 years. Ask for her dreams to show her that you're interested in her.

Treat her as your partner on the same level.

Good luck, and all the best for you both🙂

[BritManToo]

17 minutes ago, newbee2022 said:

Money shouldn't be involved because you will share it, as in any marriage everywhere.

Women never share their money!

[Jack Hammer]

I only ever received one card from my ex Thai gf.  It was a get well card on our departure.  It read , “ Get well f&&&&d”

I still treasure that card

[fredwiggy]

2 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Women never share their money!

The women I've been with have, besides the wife here, who didn't work while were were together, and only looks at men as givers of cash, before and after me. When married before, all the money we made went towards bills and whatever was needed.

[BritManToo]

8 minutes ago, fredwiggy said:

The women I've been with have, besides the wife here, who didn't work while were were together, and only looks at men as givers of cash, before and after me. When married before, all the money we made went towards bills and whatever was needed.

You also claim to have an invisible friend who advises you on everything.

Sorry, but I just can't share your delusions.

[newbee2022]

9 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Women never share their money!

Maybe not with you😂

[BritManToo]

7 minutes ago, newbee2022 said:

Maybe not with you😂

Not a problem, I have enough for all of us.

Must be hard, scraping out a living in Thailand.

[fredwiggy]

7 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

You also claim to have an invisible friend who advises you on everything.

Sorry, but I just can't share your delusions.

When have I claimed to have an invisible friend? I make decisions based on personal experience and doing what I feel is in the best interest of those I take care of, along with my own life. Yes, if it's God you're referring to as my "invisible" friend, I try and do what he wants us to do, although as a human, I make mistakes. It's okay though, when you meet him, you can find out he really was invisible for a reason.He's not a friend but our leader.

[newbee2022]

2 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Not a problem, I have enough for all of us.

Must be hard, scraping out a living in Thailand.

Yes, indeed

[PJ71]

20 hours ago, BritManToo said:

You don't give her money, so she doesn't value you.

I give mine money, she gives me birthday and valentine's presents.

Obviously not Xmas as she isn't a Christian.

Do you bang her at xmas tho?

[Gecko123]

9 hours ago, SMIAI said:

At @Gecko123

 

My Quote button is not working. You have obviously assumed, incorrectly, that I was referring to your post.

I wasn't referring to those events in particular, but gift giving in general. I can only refer to my experiences.

 

So lets move to 2.

Gift giving was initiated by the female. There was no ''largesse' on my part. Nor gifts in return. 

 

Related or unrelated to that is the exchange of gifts and kindnesses between friends and acquaintances alike. Perhaps it depends on the kinds of relationships that you nurture. 

 

Pay no attention to the comments made in the discussion with the aforementioned poster. Don't take them to heart. They weren't for your ears. Perhaps characterised as a rude person getting a taste of his own medicine.

 Just to keep things real...

 

...my post was the only one on the thread prior to your post which made any mention of gift giving not being part of Thai culture...

 

...on a thread from a forum member frustrated that his spouse never reciprocates gift giving at birthdays, anniversaries and holidays, you chimed in to tell the world that not only does your significant other shower you with gifts, but she continues to do so despite the fact that you can't be bothered to open them (and presumably express gratitude for them) and you never reciprocate with any gift giving on your part. Please don't come back and tell me how you can only report on your personal experiences and express faux sympathy that my experiences don't rise to this level, but your claims are, at best, highly excentric, and not only fly in the face of Thai culture, but human nature.  Sorry, but I frankly suspect something else is going on here, i.e., either ego-tripping or trolling. 

[Grumpy one]

21 hours ago, Ralf001 said:

Put on your big boy pants and set her straight.

Maybe she won't give them to him  

[1FinickyOne]

21 hours ago, BritManToo said:

You don't give her money, so she doesn't value you.

I give mine money, she gives me birthday and valentine's presents.

 

 

 

 

22 hours ago, CaptainAdcap said:

It sort of hurts, my issue I guess.

My wife and family are well taken care of... yes, by me. 

 

We used to have a very very minor New Year party for the kids - my wife doesn't remember my birthday, nor her own - - I remember and say happy birthday and that is the extent of it... 

We are not children and we could care less about days on a calender. No hurt feelings.

 

What is really important is that when she was very ill, I took care of her, and rarely left her side. And she recently returned the favor when I was not well. 

 

We are here for each other with the goal of helping the other one to have a good life. 

 

It sounds like you have a nice relationship. Why worry or be hurt about superficial insignificant things? I am sure she is not intentionally trying to hurt you - it was likely not a family tradition for her and she does not know what you might consider proper actions. My wife and I are quite independent and neither one of us needs recognition of some greeting card occasion to make us feel cared for... get over it. 

[AustinRacing]

The best gift she can give you is between her legs. If you’re getting it satisfactorily then stop moaning. 😂😂😂

[PingRoundTheWorld]

Sounds like a you problem. You expect her to reciprocate something she doesn't view as important. She probably grew up in an environment where gift giving was not common, so as an adult she doesn't even think about it.

 

Consider yourself lucky: my ex-gf not only never gave me any gifts, she went as far as organizing a birthday party for me and invited 10 of her friends and 1 of mine - and all of this *I* had to pay for. Needless to say next year there was no party. Of course on her birthday she wanted to party, again with like 6 friends. Yours is at least not a gold digger and sounds like she's with you for you, not your money - that is a lot more than most farang-Thai relationships.

[Blueman1]

22 hours ago, BritManToo said:

No problem, I have plenty to spare.

Aren't YOU Lucky then ??

[Cameroni]

10 minutes ago, PingRoundTheWorld said:

Sounds like a you problem. You expect her to reciprocate something she doesn't view as important. She probably grew up in an environment where gift giving was not common, so as an adult she doesn't even think about it.

 

Consider yourself lucky: my ex-gf not only never gave me any gifts, she went as far as organizing a birthday party for me and invited 10 of her friends and 1 of mine - and all of this *I* had to pay for. Needless to say next year there was no party. Of course on her birthday she wanted to party, again with like 6 friends. Yours is at least not a gold digger and sounds like she's with you for you, not your money - that is a lot more than most farang-Thai relationships.

 

I agree with this, it is a "you" problem. If you expect a thank you card or a gift, then maybe she loves you but you should ask do you love her in the same way, because if your love expects something in return, it's not really true love. A mother who take a child out to play watches over the child but does not expect the child to thank her for it.

 

Having said that you do have to keep an eye in relationship that what you give is not out of proportion to what you receive, otherwise you are just taken advantage of.

 

When Britmantoo said a Thai woman appreciates if you give her money, and this has an effect on how she views and treats you, he was right. You not giving her money has an effect on her view and treatment of you. 

[Ralf001]

1 hour ago, Grumpy one said:

Maybe she won't give them to him  

555 plot twist !

[steven100]

20 hours ago, CaptainAdcap said:

THANKS GUYS, I guess I am maybe a little too sensitive, I will stop being such a bitch! I am a "tough" guy, gun slinging/shooting monkey, done things that people dream of and for some, nightmares. As she says, "you think too much." She does love me dearly, one knows, so I will nicely mention it. We will celebrate our 2nd anniversary tomorrow and drink our red wine and champagne (rare) as planned. Her parents come a day after that, her father thinks I am the greatest thing since Chang Beer. Maybe I just miss all the turmoil, anger, hate and stress of my "prior" life, something that haunts me on occasion. No biggie... GREAT ADVICE and a big THANKS !!! Cheers and be well...

Enjoy the 2nd anniversary with the wine,  just mention to her,  if she doesn't start getting on the booze with you every day there might not be a 3rd.  

[MalcolmB]

23 hours ago, CaptainAdcap said:

who had a long term bad Farang marriage prior to our relationship.

How did you two meet?

[KannikaP]

23 hours ago, BritManToo said:

You don't give her money, so she doesn't value you.

I give mine money, she gives me birthday and valentine's presents.

Obviously not Xmas as she isn't a Christian.

Wasn't St Valentine a Christian?

[fredwiggy]

21 hours ago, CaptainAdcap said:

I will say my girl is polite. Before she goes to work early morning I always make her green tea and salt/lime water. Always a khàawp khun kap The birthday card to self is BRILLIANT....hmmmm....LOL

The more you do for a decent, giving, thoughtful woman, the more you'll get in return. But it may not be what you expect because everyone has their own values and ways to say thank you. Some of the best thank you's can be wordless.

[xtrnuno41]

It is called life and everything IS possible in it.

Nothing can be said about your relation and only at the end, you will know.

The end is explainable in whatever end.

Enjoy as much as you can, try to make it work.

Today you live, tomorrow you are dead