Just another relaxin' afternoon on Beach Road, yeah, me usual local, tall circular bar stools that spin, more tarts on offer along the coast than in a patisserie, sea breeze just about cuttin’ through the heat. I’m on me third Chang, not rushin’ anywhere, just watchin’ the scooters buzz past and wonderin’ how none of them ever collide. Reckon they got Nvidia chips helpin' keep it all on the ups.

Then me phone buzzes.

It’s Boris the Biscuit.

Now when Boris rings with intel, you listen up. The man has never once sent me to a bad bar, a dodgy curry joint, or a bad spot of any kind. He’s got a gift. And today he’s absolutely fizzin’.

“Lewie,” he goes, “mate, you need to try this new strain. Unreal. Smells like cat piss, no porkies.”

Cat piss? Bloody hell.

I sit there starin’ at me beer, rollin’ that sentence around in me head. Cat piss does not usually feature in the top ten aromas I’m chasin’. When I think of top gear I’m thinkin’ notes of Myrcene, Limonene, Caryophyllene, but Boris is adamant. Says it hits like a freight train. Opens your mind. Says it's like a "different and special" local lass.

I finish me beer, weigh it up, and think sod it. Curiosity has killed many a cat and possibly created this weed. So I saunter over to Buakhao to the wee little bud shop Boris was gushing about.

I walk in and straight up ask for it. No shame.

“I want the flower that smells like cat piss.”

The girl behind the counter smiles like she’s heard that sentence more times than she ever expected. She grabs a big jar filled with shaggy, purple-shaded nuggets and drops it on the counter.

“Litter Box is the name of the strain,” she says.

Of course it is.

She cracks the lid and I’ll be honest, lads, it smells exactly like a cat has just committed a crime. Proper feline bog vibes. I laugh. She laughs. Boris was not lyin’.

I buy a bit and since I’ve got nowhere to be and the shop’s got comfy chairs and chill music, I decide to have a smoke right there on campus. Why not. Dim lights. Soft cushions. That fake calm that weed shops always have.

The girl brings me a bevy. We chat a bit. Nothing flirty. Just casual. I’m half baked now, thinkin’ about how strange life is that I’m voluntarily inhalin’ something that smells like tiger urine.

She comes closer to explain the strain. Leans in. Real friendly. I clock she’s very attractive. Better lookin’ than many birds if I’m honest. Nice face. Good skin. Everything works.

Then she leans in a bit more and gives me a right hard, but playful squeeze where no squeeze should be if you’re planning on havin' children.

And that’s when it clicks.

Ah.

Right.

Ladyboy.

Fair play, I say nothin’ dramatic. I don’t jump. I don’t panic. This ain’t me first rodeo. I just gently move her hand away and laugh.

“Sorry love,” I say, “not my thing.”

She laughs too. No offence taken. Cool as anything. Says half the blokes in here say the same thing then forget after two joints and a Chang.

I tell her she’s gorgeous, better lookin’ than two thirds of the women in this town, but the plumbing’s wrong for me. Simple as that. No judgement. No confusion. Just facts.

She nods like we’re discussin’ the weather.

I finish the spliff in peace. I thank her. She thanks me. No awkwardness. No drama. Just two adults acknowledgin’ reality.

I step back out onto Soi White Lotus, sun still blazin’, head buzzin’ nicely, thinkin’ to meself how only in Pattaya can you start the day with a beer on Beach Road, end up smokin’ moggy spray smelling herb, in a lounge chair, and have a polite conversation about sexual preferences while getting groped by the bud tender.

And for the record, mates, the weed was unreal. Hit like a sack of kitty litter.

Happy new year, lads...

It’s funny but i have a cat litter tray in the small toilet and the smell is anything but appealing ….. each to their own !!

Thanks Lewie for testing out the latest trends but i will decline the offer especially if it comes with a touch up from a LB !!

Perfect timing, Lewie!

Another fun read over a good breakfast of Jimmy Dean-style breakfast sausage, a 3-egg omelet with vintage cheddar, and a liter of Madura's 'English Breakfast' tea. Add in a 'good morning' kiss from my wife, and it's been a perfect way to begin the countdown to the new year!

Thanks again, Lewie. Please keep them coming.

Have a safe and happy New Year!

Like baht buses, you wait ages then two come along. Two articles in two days. Is weed to be recommended for creativity? Keep 'em coming Lewie.

You're a better man than I if you can smoke an entire joint. A professional.