Etiquette

[yok yawng]

Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed or beaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse

c. After wrecking your boss' car

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"

e. When his date is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes.

For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddies birthday is optional.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly threw it into a ceiling fan.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal

footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have had carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do it again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.