Classic Tommy Cooper

[Gohonzon]

1.Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The

ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

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2. Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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3. "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

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4. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for

shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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5. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

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6. Guy goes into the doctor's.

"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."

"How's that?"

"Don't you start"

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7. "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

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8. What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

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9. So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died."

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10. A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.

"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

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11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'

The other says 'Are you sure?'

The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '

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12. "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local

swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

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13. "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip

outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

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15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you

give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

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16. Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this

taste funny to you?"

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17. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery

acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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18. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving

today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice."

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19. A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen

you in a long time "

The man replied "I know I've been ill"

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20. A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in

several places"

The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

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21. I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.

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22. You know those Mange-tout?

They're really nice but I couldn't eat a whole one

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23. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't find any.

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24. I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month

for the next 2 years.

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25. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that

he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'