Almost A Dozen Jokes

[2long]

A history teacher asks a class full of kids "What was Churchill famous for?"

A kid at the back shouts out "He was the last f#cking white man to be called Winston!"

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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

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What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?

The McCartneys

But really we shouldn't make fun of macca. After all will he ever find another woman to fill her shoe?

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Women eh!

Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, lipo suction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they STILL wont take it up the ar#e cause it 'hurts'.

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Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .

Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

"Oi, what's your disability?"

I said "Tourettes! Now f#ck off you c#nt!"

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A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks. "Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says "F#cking hel_l are you the bird I sh#gged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my ar#e?"

"No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"

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I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "

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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".

He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !".

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Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's sh#gging her the Rev Mother comes in.

"SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"

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A man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".

His wife replies "You've got a bigger dick than your brother"

[Daffy D]

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .

Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......