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People Offering You Help

Nampeung

By Nampeung
in General Topics

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Nampeung Silver Member

Nampeung

Posted
Posted

Have you experienced this, where someone around you or your circle of friends offers you help and you may not even know about it... and that person offering help says they are doing it out of the goodness of their heart... and someone (maybe a mate of yours) accepts the offered help. Boom, then the person who offered help wants to hold you to ransom for the rest of your life even if you did not ask for help in the first place!!!

Happened to me in Thailand, how about you? :o

Dakhar Platinum Member

Dakhar

Posted
Posted
Have you experienced this, where someone around you or your circle of friends offers you help and you may not even know about it... and that person offering help says they are doing it out of the goodness of their heart... and someone (maybe a mate of yours) accepts the offered help. Boom, then the person who offered help wants to hold you to ransom for the rest of your life even if you did not ask for help in the first place!!!

Happened to me in Thailand, how about you? :o

So you married her?

Heng Star Member

Heng

Posted
Posted

Yeah, see it all the time. Part of it is on the receiver though... you CAN decline if you want. And for me, I always do.

I don't let anyone (besides family elders) pay for anything, and most certainly don't let folks take part (even if their participation would help) in business ventures.

:o

noise Gold Member

noise

Posted
Posted
Have you experienced this, where someone around you or your circle of friends offers you help and you may not even know about it... and that person offering help says they are doing it out of the goodness of their heart... and someone (maybe a mate of yours) accepts the offered help. Boom, then the person who offered help wants to hold you to ransom for the rest of your life even if you did not ask for help in the first place!!!

Happened to me in Thailand, how about you? :o

I do not understand. You said..."someone ....offers [a 3rd party] help [for you] and you .. [do] not ... know ...... and [said 3rd party] accepts the offered help. Boom, then the person who offered help wants to hold you to ransom for the rest of your life".

So, unknown to you, this "help" was applied? And now the person wants something concrete in return? Or is the ransom wanting you to feel a sense of obigation (guilt) that will force you to do inconvient favors for them?

GuestHouse Diamond Member

GuestHouse

Posted
Posted

The OP's description fits well with one aspect of what the Thais call 'Graeng Jai' and in this context what westerners might call 'Indebtedness'. Thais will often go to great lengths not to be 'indebted to someone outside of their normal social group' for the exact reason that debts in Thailand come with strings.

But it's not just Thailand/Thais I've seen a number of instances in and out of Thailand.

The answer I suspect is to draw the line yourself and tell the person who is behaving in this matter where to get off. The more bluntly the better I guess.

GuestHouse Diamond Member

GuestHouse

Posted
Posted

If you like I'll tell this person where to get off for you.... but you'll owe me ... OK!

Seriously though, this behaviour is twisting social rules in favour of the person abusing the rules. Telling them to get off your case requires breaking the social rules of politeness etc.

Do not hesitate to do so - It's not written down anywhere that you have to be liked by everyone or behave in a manner that others will like you.

chiangmaibruce Gold Member

chiangmaibruce

Posted
Posted

Yes, similar thing happened to me recently. I travelled back to Oz to do some jobs including maintenance on a rental property I own there. New tenants wanted to move in early so there was an overlap and I ended up spending a fair bit of time with them as I went about my tasks.

Anyway they were very keen to make various improvements and fix/change some things (with nil suggestion or encouragement from me). Guy had friends who were tradesmen etc etc. can we do this? is it ok if we do that? we want to stay here for X years, and so on until I eventually said, look that's not really fair if you do all that stuff, i.e. had to hose them down a bit. But I gave them the ok to do a couple of things and I did (or organised for others to do) a whole lot of other stuff.

No sooner do I get back to Thailand though then I get an email saying ... "wife and i have been talking and seeing how are doing all these things to improve your place we think you should do x,y,z" <involved changing the terms of the lease>.

I wouldn't put this in the category of "being held to ransom", and I think these folks are basically good people, but it is certainly off-putting when this happens. Had to say ... please only do those things you are required to do under the terms of the lease and refer any other matters to me/the managing agent to be dealt with on a priority basis".

samuibeachcomber Platinum Member

samuibeachcomber

Posted
Posted
Yes, similar thing happened to me recently. I travelled back to Oz to do some jobs including maintenance on a rental property I own there. New tenants wanted to move in early so there was an overlap and I ended up spending a fair bit of time with them as I went about my tasks.

Anyway they were very keen to make various improvements and fix/change some things (with nil suggestion or encouragement from me). Guy had friends who were tradesmen etc etc. can we do this? is it ok if we do that? we want to stay here for X years, and so on until I eventually said, look that's not really fair if you do all that stuff, i.e. had to hose them down a bit. But I gave them the ok to do a couple of things and I did (or organised for others to do) a whole lot of other stuff.

No sooner do I get back to Thailand though then I get an email saying ... "wife and i have been talking and seeing how are doing all these things to improve your place we think you should do x,y,z" <involved changing the terms of the lease>.

I wouldn't put this in the category of "being held to ransom", and I think these folks are basically good people, but it is certainly off-putting when this happens. Had to say ... please only do those things you are required to do under the terms of the lease and refer any other matters to me/the managing agent to be dealt with on a priority basis".

anything to get a rent reduction,i hope they prove to be ok tenants for you.

t.s Platinum Member

t.s

Posted
Posted
Have you experienced this, where someone around you or your circle of friends offers you help and you may not even know about it... and that person offering help says they are doing it out of the goodness of their heart... and someone (maybe a mate of yours) accepts the offered help. Boom, then the person who offered help wants to hold you to ransom for the rest of your life even if you did not ask for help in the first place!!!

Happened to me in Thailand, how about you? :o

you have just defined kreng jai

sassienie Gold Member

sassienie

Posted
Posted (edited)
Have you experienced this, where someone around you or your circle of friends offers you help and you may not even know about it... and that person offering help says they are doing it out of the goodness of their heart... and someone (maybe a mate of yours) accepts the offered help. Boom, then the person who offered help wants to hold you to ransom for the rest of your life even if you did not ask for help in the first place!!!

Happened to me in Thailand, how about you? :o

Let me try and figure this right:

Someone I know helps me but I`m not aware of it because he/she is kind.

But maybe another friend of mine accepts the help. Than the friend that helped me, although I didn`t know about it, reminds me of this so called good deed for the rest of my life, even if I did not ask for help in the first place because I didn`t know about it, but another friend does.

My brain urts.

Edited by sassienie
Boo Star Member

Boo

Posted
Posted

I think (no, know) that there is a large part missing from this senario. Maybe you should be clear on why you were unable to accept that help yourself & why your friend was forced to take that help on your behalf.

IMO without that persons help you would'nt be here today writing this post.

Showing basic gratitude & manners to someone for helping you out is not "indebtedness" but imo to not at least acknoledge & be thankful for their help is rude. :o

Nampeung Silver Member

Nampeung

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Don't appreciate personal references and you are wrong Boo. I am referring to several incidences actually and it is a general question about people who love to help others but want something back from them. Happens all the time. In true Buddhist nature giving should be without conditions. Anyone who has ever helped me has been thanked until I am blue in the face... and they know it. So no more, time to be set free

:o

Boo Star Member

Boo

Posted
Posted
Anyone who has ever helped me has been thanked until I am blue in the face... and they know it.

Have you & do they?

Yes you shouldn't help just to get thanks but it is good manners to thank the people who help you. :o But I wonder then, if this isn't about what I thought it was, what is it that these people have said or done that made you think they are looking for your gratitude all the time?

elkangorito Platinum Member

elkangorito

Posted
Posted
Have you experienced this, where someone around you or your circle of friends offers you help and you may not even know about it... and that person offering help says they are doing it out of the goodness of their heart... and someone (maybe a mate of yours) accepts the offered help. Boom, then the person who offered help wants to hold you to ransom for the rest of your life even if you did not ask for help in the first place!!!

Happened to me in Thailand, how about you? :o

you have just defined kreng jai

I've just had a Thai friend from next door, visit me whilst I was reading this thread. He is half Thai half farang & speaks fluent Thai. I showed him this post & he told me that this has absolutely nothing to do with Kreng Jai.

When I asked him what it was all about, he said that he had no idea except that he thought that someone was being dishonest.

He also told me the basic meaning of Kreng Jai. He said, "It is the concept of saying 'thanks but no thanks'."

Nampeung Silver Member

Nampeung

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Boo, you are barking up the wrong tree actually. This is quite a long drawn out tale about my Thai husband's family, our business and money for a pick up truck and a motorbike so please remove the references to my personal life above as they are unecessary and a violation of my privacy. Thanks :o Oh and I don't need anyone to tell me how to say thanks I know how to do that very well :D

Boo Star Member

Boo

Posted
Posted

there is nothing that points out your identity so there is nothing to remove. I posted about what I thought it was as the senario you painted is virtually identical to complains you have made to me in the past. so I thought you were referencing that.

But if it is about something else then my last question still stands. What are these people doing/saying/asking of you that make you think they "want to hold you to ransom for the rest of your life even if you did not ask for help in the first place!!!"?

elkangorito Platinum Member

elkangorito

Posted
Posted
What are these people doing/saying/asking of you that make you think they "want to hold you to ransom for the rest of your life even if you did not ask for help in the first place!!!"?

Yeah! Please tell us. We're dying to know.

Nampeung Silver Member

Nampeung

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Way back when we were setting up a business with a friend the family insisted on buying us an expensive pick up truck while I said it would be just fine to buy a cheaper second hand one because the roads where we lived are so bad etc etc. But oh no it had to be a brand spankin shiny new one. Then it was a motorbike... now they want cuts from the business and are using that as 'bait' if you see what I mean. The nutty ex husband of sil is threatening us... just the usual family feuds.

I started the thread to read other people's experiences aout this kind of thing

elkangorito Platinum Member

elkangorito

Posted
Posted (edited)

My comments in blue.

Way back when we were setting up a business with a friend the family insisted on buying us an expensive pick up truck while I said it would be just fine to buy a cheaper second hand one because the roads where we lived are so bad etc etc. But oh no it had to be a brand spankin shiny new one. Then it was a motorbike... now they want cuts from the business and are using that as 'bait' if you see what I mean. The nutty ex husband of sil is threatening us... just the usual family feuds.

I started the thread to read other people's experiences aout this kind of thing

Who is "we"? Are these extortionists part of the "we"? Who is the "friend"? Is the "friend" assisting the extortionists?

If the family has no connection to the business, why did they insist upon an expensive pick up truck & then a motorbike. Who paid for these things & why

Edited by elkangorito

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