Giving Up Baby For International Adoption

[simon43]

I hesitate to post on this forum about this difficult subject because it is apt to draw criticism from some TV members. But, bearing in mind the circumstances, I do need answers to these questions.

Some TV members will be aware of the history. Extremely briefly:

I live in Thailand and married a Thai lady about 4 years ago. 3 years ago, we had a son together. Very soon afterwards, she became mentally ill and resided in a psychiatric hospital on several occasions. The psychiatrists diagnosed her as severely Bipolar (manic-depression and mostly manic). Due to the severeness of her illness, our son went to stay with loving relationships in BKK. Although I cared for my wife, she refused to take any medication and was a danger to herself and others at times. Her continual manic episodes and the financial and emotional damage that she caused during these episodes has been a great strain on me and our hotel business.

Earlier this year, during a manic episode, she ran away for a few days (not uncommon for her) and she became pregnant by a Thai guy who 'fled the scene'. I subsequently obtained a divorce from her, but continue to live with her because I understand her illness better than others and because I manage the hotel business (which is a successful business).

Now she is 8 months pregnant with a healthy girl and we both need to make a difficult decision about the future of this baby. It is totally impossible for my ex-wife to care for this baby. (This is demonstrated by her inability to care for our son and for a previous girl from a Thai relationship). She refuses assistance, medication and will not respond to logical arguement. But she is also aware of her own failings and asked if it would be possible to give up this baby for adoption overseas. There really are no family members in Thailand who could care for the baby and I have to be selfish and say that since I am not the father and I am neither her husband nor her boyfriend - that I feel no responsibility to care for the baby.

Usually, overseas adoptions involve mountains of paperwork and a lengthy process. But would it be possible (legal?) to do a private adoption with an overseas couple who had already been checked and approved for adoption? I should stress that the mother is not seeking any financial reward.

So - a difficult subject, and the clock is ticking. I am particularly worried because it is highly likely that my ex will become manic soon after the birth, possibly/likely endangering her newborn.

FYI, the diagnosis and treatment of my ex has been provided by 2 qualified Thai psychiatrists and I have had ongoing and extremely supportive advice from a competent doctor here on TV.

Thanks for any advice!

Simon

[Mario2008]

Respect for taking care of your ex circumstances. You are doing the right thing for the child.

As for your question, I think you are staring at the wrong end. You should start at the Thai end, as first you will have to comply with Thai law. The Thai agency responsible for adoption would know which countries can provide for a quick adoption after the birth.

You might want to contact forum sponsor Isaan Lawyers for advise.

Edit:

http://www.neiu.edu/~rghiggin/Thaiadopt/program.html#GENERAL

Edited December 7, 2008 by Mario2008

[Comehome]

Hi!

Agree with Mario, have a look at the website he suggested.

How wonderful that you stay and take care of your wife!

Regarding thai adoption, I suggest you contact "Department of local welfare" in Bangkok.

They have a section called "Child adoption center", and they handle all adoptions of Thai children nowadays.

I contacted them in 2001 and then they were located in Baan Rajavitee, at Rajavitee Road in Bangkok.

I am not sure they are still there.

I am adopted myself. I was born Thai but grew up in Europe.

I have had many thaifriends around me during my childhood both in Europe and in Thailand.

I understand how you feel and why you choose to give up the baby. You are doing the right thing.

I must say again that I do admire your courage to stay and look after your wife, although it not an easy task. Must be emotionally draining for you to see you loved one being so ill.

I don´t doubt for a second that she loves you very much and appreciates what you do for her, even if she doesn´t say it or show it in any way. Perhaps she feels guilt over what she has become and how she behaves to you sometimes during her manic outbreaks.

If she could stop I believe she would, but it is something that is beyond her control at the moment.

I do wish her the best and hope she will agree on taking her medication soon.

Wish you the best!

/Comehome (Leela)

[0Mix1up]

from what i know

australians have BIG hoops to jump through to adopt from os

apparently it can take years!!!

waiting lists even

just contact as many countries agencies as possible

[simon43]

Hi Comehome, thanks for your good advice.

I do need to clarify 1 point - for what it is worth. I no longer love this woman (after all the damage that she has caused to my life and our business). We are divorced since early this year. I live with her for the sake of our joint hotel business which will go rapidly southwards if it is left for her to manage alone. This unwanted baby is yet another problem created by her (albeit as a result of her illness). For the sake of this innocent unborn, I am trying to find a solution which gives that baby a good start in life etc.

My ex will have a C-section to deliver the baby and her and her doctor have readily agreed to 'tie her tubes' (a simple operation) so that this type of incident cannot be repeated.

When we were married, I did all I could to help her and to sustain our marriage. But, (and the divorce statistics of about 90% for marriages where a partner is Bipolar demonstrate this), I was fighting a battle that I could not win. Now I try to ensure that she does not destroy her sole source of income (the hotel)

Simon

[sylvafern]

Hi - I can't provide any useful bits of information but I know that there are a lot of expats living in Thailand also wanting to adopt Thai babies. Perhaps if you could find out about this it may be a quicker process than international adoption. You definitely need to speak to lawyers. Do they have such a things as open adoption in Thailand? A colleague I've mine adopted a Thai baby and even living here it was a lengthy process. Apparently it is difficult for babies younger than 1 year old to be adopted out as Thai law allows the natural parents one year to change their minds. You need to check this out.

[Livinginexile]

Hi Simon

I have no advice on this sensitive subject but I would like to wish you all the best mate.

[Comehome]

Hi Simon!

Thank you for sharing, now I understand more.

Must be very hard on you emotionally to be around all that. I don´t doubt for a second that you did everything in your power to help your ex-wife while you were married.

A person with such an illness is not easy to live with, not even to be a close friend of.

Constantly worrying about them and what they are up to next.

I believe she has you to thank for a lot when it comes to take care of the business you built up together, since it is her only income and needs to be properly managed.

It sounds like a good idea to cut the tubes. She needs to take care of her self before she can take care of a child.

Has she always had this illness or has it come during her grown up life?

It is sad to hear that she does not want to take her medication. It would probably still make her a abit mood but at least it would cut of the edges.

Does she get any therapy treatment or do they only want to give her medication?

I know it is a problem to know if you really reach a person with a mental illness.

My mother (not thai) has suffered from deep depresions and manic periods all my life. One day she is all up and enthusiastic and the next day she can lie and stare in the wall all day without saying a woord.

Hard to see while being a child and not understanding what is going on. She aslo does not believe she needs any treatment or help and refuses to go see a therapist.

Well, now you know why she is in europe and I am here...

Can´t be so easy for you either, in a foreign country and with a mentally ill ex-wife.

You seem to manage well although you have your own struggles as a part of your everyday life.

Take care now, and you are absolutley doing the right thing for the innocent child.

Hope the adoption goes well, there are plenty of couples who would love to take care of a thai baby in europe. From what I know it is at least 2,5 years waiting time for a child from Thailand.

Don´t hesitate to PM me if you just want to let your thoughts out. Sometimes you just need to get it out of your system and writing is a good thing.

/comehome (Leela)

Edited December 8, 2008 by Comehome

[londonthai]

there is a recent thread in the family forum 'adoption in thailand', some farang-thai family would like to adopt.

from the materials which I have read it looks like if you name the child which you want to adopt the whole process is simpler and faster. Adoption from abroad can take 2-6 years, so not so ideal in your situation - in thailand it takes a year and the child can be fostered before is adopted (so the baby girl can move to them shortly after being born)

Edited December 9, 2008 by londonthai

[londonthai]

the link http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/Adoption-Tha...amp;hl=adoption

and it looks like it is not thai-farang but farang family interested in adoption.

Edited December 9, 2008 by londonthai

[simon43]

Thanks for all those suggestions and supporting comments. Indded, an in-country adoption seems a much better idea. I am in touch with a couple who are seeking to adopt, so I will let you know how everything goes.

Simon

[LaoPo]

Thanks for all those suggestions and supporting comments. Indded, an in-country adoption seems a much better idea. I am in touch with a couple who are seeking to adopt, so I will let you know how everything goes.

Simon

Good luck Simon; for everyone involved !

LaoPo

[torrenova]

Nothing to say except the best of luck and best wishes in whatever you decide.

[londonthai]

an american couple, who just moved recently to my house, are looking to adopt girl/boy till age of 8. They were cleared already by the usa adoption agency and will be in bangkok till 20.05.2009. Naming the child would spead up adoption process - if you know anybody interested ready to give their child let me know by private message or by email (in my profile)

[pete_r]

Yep, best of luck Simon.

[simon43]

Just to update that my ex gave birth this morning (via C-section) to a healthy baby girl, weight 2.9Kg. The baby is definitely 100% Thai mother and father

Now I have to try to persuade the mother to get back on her Bipolar medication asap (she couldn't take it during pregnancy).

The baby's grandmother will care for this newborn if we are unable to find a couple to foster/adopt her in Thailand.

Initially, I'm sure that the grandmother is quite capable of caring for the baby (she has cared for many previous unwanted kids). But the grandmother is old now and shouldn't be called upon to care for a newborn. It would be good if this little one can be given a better start in life.

Simon

[Goinghomesoon]

Can you get a doctor to encourage her back onto her meds while she's still in hospital? Obviously that's a good time to get her some additional medical - and perhaps psychological - support for her mental health.

[londonthai]

simon, my friends are still interested in adoption - from newborne to 8 year old.

they work in bangkok now but can travel to phuket, or wherever kid's mother is, over the weekends

[MJK]

Hi Simon!

I have sent You a private post!

MJK

[JerDon]

Just to update that my ex gave birth this morning (via C-section) to a healthy baby girl, weight 2.9Kg. The baby is definitely 100% Thai mother and father

The baby's grandmother will care for this newborn if we are unable to find a couple to foster/adopt her in Thailand.

Simon

Simon Sara & I sent you a private message ...

We are looking for a situation like yours ...

Wanting a new born baby to add to our already happy life ...

You can contact Sara & I via pm

[timang]

i don't have an advice on this but don't yah worry my friend i'll pray for you!

[simon43]

Just an update re this subject. After giving birth, my ex changed her mind about giving up the baby for adoption. However, this was not because she wanted to care for it. As predicted, she got her elderly mother in Issan to look after the baby.

In March, the baby was admitted to hospital with pneumonia and has been in and out of hospital ever since with bad coughs and general 'malady'.

I do not blame my 'ex's mother, who is doing her best to look after the baby girl.

It's a sad situation

Simon

[Mario2008]

Sorry to hear about the baby's misfortune. Hope he will get well soon. Good luck.

[FrangipaniGal]

oh.. i saw this topic too late:( i am looking into adopting and i have no idea where to start... i am malaysian and my husband is thai... it difficult for us to have baby so we are looking into adopting....