Worst Joke Ever

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A traveling salesman was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down.
There was a cottage nearby so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
"My car has conked out" said the traveler "Where can I spend the night?" "Why, right here of course!" said the Scot
"Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality".
The traveler duly entered the humble but cosy residence.
"Jeannie" shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared.
"Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality".
The traveler was soon tucking into an appetising meal.
Jeannie girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.
"And now" said the Highlander "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows,
but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality".
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveler set about seducing the lovely daughter.
In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job.
Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander.
He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage.
He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality" he roared
"Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor".

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Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner FATMAAAAAAN!

[laislica]

Not paying attention in History class never hurt me......

Unlike poor Henry VIII, shot in the eye by Hitler at the Battle of Hastings.

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And not forgetting the battle for the Falklands in 1066.

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Man goes to the doctor, with a pain to his rear.

Doctor asks the man to drop his trousers and bend over the couch.

After a brief examination, the doctor tells the man that he has a lettuce leaf sticking out of his a*rse.

The doctor says ...."on its own, that was not an issue, but he thought that it was only the tip of the iceberg"!!

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I once went to the doctor's with a strawberry stuck in my ear ...

he gave me cream !

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Where your TV programs come from!

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[daveAustin]

Have we had the 'horse walks into a bar, barman says why the long face' yet?

Or

What's red and sits in the corner? Naughty strawberry.

Or

What's white and hard? A fridge with a flick-knife. 

 

I'll get my coat.

[JB300]

Have we had the 'horse walks into a bar, barman says why the long face' yet?
Or
What's red and sits in the corner? Naughty strawberry.
Or
What's white and hard? A fridge with a flick-knife. 
 
I'll get my coat.

What's green, got 4 legs, 16 balls & if it fell out of a tree it would kill you...

A Pool Table...

[daveAustin]

^^ The oldies are the best.

 

What does wife stand for?

 

Washing, ironing, <deleted>, etc 

[SaintLouisBlues]

8 minutes ago, daveAustin said:

^^ The oldies are the best.

 

What does wife stand for?

 

Washing, ironing, <deleted>, etc 

A wife is a something you screw on the bed to make sure the housework gets done

[laislica]

WANTED: Double entendre maker.

If you'd like a job, I'd like to give you one.

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My doctor took one look at 
my gut and refused to believe that 
I work out.

So I listed the exercises 
I do every day: jump to conclusions,

climb the walls, drag my heels, 
push my luck,

make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward,

run around in circles, put my foot 
in my mouth,

go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

[laislica]

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”

“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.

The scientist slaps his forehead.

“That’s it!” he says. “I can never 
remember the name.”

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A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me.

I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”

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How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.

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Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America.

Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says,
"Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog shit, 20 feet back."

[laislica]

What are the three words men hate to hear during sex?
"Have you finished?"

 

 

What are the three words women hate to hear during sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"

 

 

What do you call a woman who is paralysed from the waist down?
Married.

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[JB300]

What are the three words men hate to hear during sex?
"Have you finished?"
 
 
What are the three words women hate to hear during sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"
 
 
What do you call a woman who is paralysed from the waist down?
Married.

What are the 4 words that men hate to hear during sex?

"Is It In Yet"

[laislica]

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her:

"Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine.
Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady started taking off her panties.....
Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes.
Just show me your tongue."

[White Christmas13]

Three men all die on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who should go to hell, but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties. "How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter. "These are Carol's."

[White Christmas13]

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? They go into town and blow a few bucks.