Worst Joke Ever

[nausea]

5 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

So which comics do you read then?

Watchmen for one. 

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[Sheryl]

We need a special "groan" emoji for this thread!

[lemonjelly]

My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her panties 

[scottiejohn]

18 hours ago, Sheryl said:

We need a special "groan" emoji for this thread!

Totally agree. 

Here are a couple that could be used;

 

[scottiejohn]

 

A Scottish mother visits her son in his new Miami flat.

 

Mother: So Charlie, How do you find the American people?

Charlie: They are the noisiest people I have met in my entire life. The neighbour in the flat on the left won’t stop banging his head against the wall and the neighbour in the flat on the right, just screams and screams all night long.

Mother: Oh, Charlie! How do you manage to put up with them?

 

 

Charlie:

What can I do? I just lie in the bed, playing my bagpipes waiting for them to be quiet.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

My village shop is a bit weird. They only accept farm animals as payment.

So if I want a Daily Mail it costs a chicken.

If I want 2 pints of a milk and a loaf of bread it costs me a pig.

And if I want to buy a bag of frozen chips it’s a ram and a ewe.

I couldn’t afford that though.

 

 

The price is too sheep. As Sean Connery would say!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Wife: Baby, when we got engaged, you asked me to make a sacrifice if I were to be your wife. So I gave up smoking for you just to show you how much I love you. What about you, what did you give up for me?

 

 

Husband: Uh… my freedom?

 

 

He is in ICU at present but is expected to recover

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Two dads, Rob and John, were talking about their teenage daughters and the challenges of communicating with them.

Rob: She hardly talks to me. I hardly see her at home. She just stays in her room all day and all night. She comes out just to eat then goes back in. She locks her door, and I don’t really want to disturb her. I don’t know what to do. How often do you talk to your daughter?

John: We talk about ten times a day.

Rob: Wow! How do you get her to come out of her room?

 

 

John: Easy, I turn off the WiFi.

[scottiejohn]

[laislica]

[scottiejohn]

17 minutes ago, laislica said:

Or do you mean you are looking for somewhere to lay your (new big) head down (or do I mean up)?

 

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

How to GoFundMe 

[fasteddie]

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

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[CantSpell]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumour, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they will have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?"

The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of workable brains?"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, "Only a little while." The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?" The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs." The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; Eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You could leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you could run your ever-expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years." "But what then?" asked the Mexican. The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would sell your company and become very rich, you would make millions." "Millions?...Then what?" The American said,

 

"Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."