Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

It was the boy’s birthday and his mother, working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his new electric train set. She heard the train stop and her son said 'all you sons of bitches who are getting off, get the hell off now, and all of you other sons of bitches who are getting on-get your bums on the train cause we're leaving right now.'

The mother went into the living room and told her son, 'we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train but you must use nicer language.'

Two hours later, Her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, ' For those of you who have  boarded at this station, we ask that you stow all hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking except in the smoking section. We hope that you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. 

For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.  It looks like I will be off to bed again!' 

[scottiejohn]

[CantSpell]

[fasteddie]

An explorer is in deepest Africa when he's confronted by an angry tribe of cannibals.
He falls to his knees & prays "Please help me God or I'm dead''
Just then the clouds part & a light shines on him & God says "You are not dead my son.
See that big rock in front of you, well pick it up & hit the biggest cannibal you can see with it".
So the man grabs the rock & hits the big chief on the head with it, killing him instantly.
"Now you are dead" says God.

[superal]

My mate has two tickets for the final of the World Cup footy but he is getting married on that day and cannot attend.
If anyone wants to go instead of him, it's at St Andrews Church in Brighton and the bride’s name is Sarah.

[superal]

Subject: Fwd: The Italian Golfer and Wine are the answer

Russ Buttacovoli, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do
You stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Russ, 'and that's why I'm in such
good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Father when he died?

"Who said he was dead?"
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's
still alive.
How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Russ. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning,
and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino
and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that.
How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?
Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?

[CantSpell]

A: You know what I have always wandered? How do tall people like you manage to actually sleep at night when the blanket cannot cover you from your shoulders to your toes?

 

B: Man, it is 4 O'clock in the darn morning....!!

 

A: Ohh.. so you can't sleep uhh?

Is it because of the blanket??

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Random Thoughts

 

I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the Doctor slapped my Mother.

 

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

 

The other day as I came home  a guy was jogging, naked.

I asked "Why?"  He said "Because your coming home early."

 

 My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

 

 At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

 

 My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

 

 My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she even called me from Chicago last night. 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

 

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.   Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Thai food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

 

 After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

 

 

"Wedding Cake." 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

 Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,

 "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?"

 She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...?"

 At this point the wife sits up and says,

 

"Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning ... You don't. 

[scottiejohn]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[superal]

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

 

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

 

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy, "what is it?"

 

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.

 

Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these

 

feel just like your sister's.'

 

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

[superal]

Subject: Bees & Golf !
 

Golf Pros....So dedicated !

Bees & Golf    A young woman had been taking golf lessons.  She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.   Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro Graham saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early ? What's wrong ?' 'I was stung by a bee', she said. 'Where ?', he asked. 'Between the first and second hole', she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'

[superal]

WHEN  I  SAY  I'M  BROKE  l'M  BROKE!           A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carryinga vacuum cleaner.   'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. ”   ''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.   Quick as a flash, the young  man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.   ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''     And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.   “ Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove  All traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."    The old lady stepped back and said,   "Well , let me get you a fork because they cut off  my electricity this morning ! "

 

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[superal]

IRISH GHOST STORY

 

 

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

John Bradford, a  Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big

Thank storm.

 

The night was rolling on and no car went by.  The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

 

 

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.  John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only torealise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

 

 

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.  Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysedwith terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. 

 

 

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

 

 

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying ... and wasn't drunk. 

 

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..

‘Look Paddy ... there's that<deleted> idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

[fasteddie]

Got a Chinese take out last night and as I got in the car I heard the bag rustle so I looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out at the top of the bag at me, then disappear back inside. I was so scared I nearly sh*t myself. I looked again and saw the eyes looking back at me and then disappear again. I ran back into the shop with the bag and asked the Chinese man what the heck was going on, he said “ you no worry; it Peking duck”

[kannot]

Dwarf Shortage!!

[bluesofa]

15 minutes ago, kannot said:

Dwarf Shortage!!

Most of them are.

 

[scottiejohn]

1 hour ago, kannot said:

Dwarf Shortage!!

Come on!  Man up I thought we had "groan out" of these jokes said grumpy.

[scottiejohn]

[superal]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?“

“No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." 
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said,

"Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, “Why?"
She said,

 

 

 

"If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
 

[scottiejohn]