“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.

“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.

“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”

“No, son, I have a wife.”

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? – The letter F.

10 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

I tried to explain to my 4 year old grandson that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.

 

 

Been there, done that and did the laundry afterwards.?

49 minutes ago, billd766 said:

 

Been there, done that and did the laundry afterwards.?

"Old age multitasking"!  Sneeze, cough, and pee and sh*t your pants all at the same time!

On ‎7‎/‎16‎/‎2018 at 12:27 PM, wayned said:

"Old age multitasking"!  Sneeze, cough, and pee and sh*t your pants all at the same time!

And that's before waking up!

A blonde woman is driving down the road. 
She notices that she’s low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she
goes inside to pay, she explains the problem and asks the attendant for help.  He hands her an old wire coat hanger and explains how to push it through the window etc. She returns outside and begins to try and catch the lock with hanger. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring. Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while another blonde inside the car is saying,

 

 

“A little more to the Ieft...a little more to the right!..."
 

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
 "Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
 "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.
 The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."
 The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?"

His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
 After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

 

 

 "They mostly become cab drivers ," she replied. 

 

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.

150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are Injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, , under President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending 1,500,000 replacement Mexicans. 

 

Teacher: use dandelion in a sentence.

Back row student: de cheetah is faster dandelion.. 

I hope the "sh*t meal" was ratatouille!

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. 
It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen".
What's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf.”

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.

They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?”

 

 

The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

A woman went to her doctor clinic.

She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has been widowed for 5 years, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

 

 

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
 

1 hour ago, fasteddie said:

I think that is a bit of a queer question for one man to ask his mate.  Just don't put any bells or whistles on it.

 

 I drink Jaegermeister because my mom is full of it. 

On 7/18/2018 at 3:48 PM, scottiejohn said:

Please, no jokes about pussies. My two dogs are lesbians.