Thai Gf Parents Want Money Cos We Are "engaged" - We Are Not

[Bobsyouruncle]

For goodness sake, try to understand the culture here.

And what is that (the culture here) To sell your daughter to the highest bidder or to live off her earnings as a prostitute

That could be an interpretation of some Westerners who understand very little about Thailand and its culture, I have a slightly different interpretation however.

Let me see if I can't put the term culture into perspective and call it tradition instead.

If you've ever been close to Thai's who are truly poor and live in small clusters in grass shacks with corrugated tin roofs, a single room that provides no privacy or protection from the elements and is full of mosquito's, 24/7; if you had listened to their stories about how their crops failed one year, a family member needed hospital treatment and there was no work to be had anywhere, other than perhaps 200 baht a day laboring on occasion; if you have seen the anguish as a parent tries to dress their daughters child in the best clothes they can find as they prepare her for school and worry about government loans that must be repaid and they have no idea how they will manage that, or even where they will find food for their evening meal unless they go into the hills and cut bamboo shoots. If you had seen those things then you would understand what it's like to be really really poor yet despite all of it, the family remains a family unit, it has love, support and that's really all they have.

So the role of the eldest daughter (and younger ones also these days) is to provide whatever support she can to that unit and most of the ones I've ever come across take that job very seriously. Some Westerners might call it prostitution but the Thai's will refer to it as working and don't get all hung up about western religious values of no sex before marriage - many Thai's will also see it as a trade off, you want me and sex, I need support for my family. At the end of the day nobody forces the Westerner to take the Thai girl and have sex with her, he could always go a totally different route in life. But if he chooses to take the girl, culture or tradition suggests he should pay, that's the tradition and from a moral perspective, it's not a bad one in my book. Of course, if your Thailand experience has consisted only of life on upper Sukhumvit or an apartment in Langsuan with the odd trip to Koh Samui, you may have no idea whatsoever what's being talked about here and couldn't possible begin to understand the concepts involved.

Nice post but LOVE was not mentioned even once!

I believe;

If she is in love she will protect you from all the nonsense that goes with marrying into a poor Thai family.

If she doesn't love you and she is only after your money then you have to pay bigtime.

It really is that simple

[samuibeachcomber]

Logically if someone does n't have a"pot to piss in" and neither do their family then they are going to demand money from their boyfriend be it farang,thai,young or old.

So if you dont want to outlay lots of dough you have to find a lady that has a good income and the family are n't poor.

You hit the nail right on its head, that is what im trying to say here.

Not always the case though, I've had chicks (the ones which last for more than a few weeks) where at least one of the parents work's in a normal job (8k-12k) or both parents work. The parents never asked for cash though, not once, and they lived in BKK also in some cases.

The flip side of that is that I've met girls with normal jobs who've come out with something like "If your my boyfriend I cannot have time to work 2 job's for money for family and have time for you also", this within weeks of meeting them. They got told to get fvcked off shortly after, and then started crying the I don't want your money BS... And other case's like, normal office girls whom after eventually nailing them (and I mean very shortly after) with a 1+ month chase seemed to think they deserved a new 5'000 baht watch ..

IMO opinion, if you need to post online for advice about this subject, especially a situation which is such blatant money grabbing and gold digging as the OP's your going to get burnt sooner or later..

U might aswell learn your lesson now and then get on with life, allbeit, with your eye's a little more open..

what you have also just said is so true too.At the end of the day there are definitely ladies out there who will not be grabbing your money,but i think they are rare jewels hard to find but not impossible.

[Dakhar]

@CHANG MAI

Nice story but most ppl are not that poor.

Can you explain to me why thai culture always has to win over farang culture ? If a girl loves a farang its normal for them BOTH to do concessions. I would not get involved with a girl who has a family like the one you describe. In case of someone that poor i can understand that they need support. But there is a difference between support and winning the lottery of course.

EXACTLY !

I think your avatar requires A LOT of support

[samuibeachcomber]

For goodness sake, try to understand the culture here.

And what is that (the culture here) To sell your daughter to the highest bidder or to live off her earnings as a prostitute

That could be an interpretation of some Westerners who understand very little about Thailand and its culture, I have a slightly different interpretation however.

Let me see if I can't put the term culture into perspective and call it tradition instead.

If you've ever been close to Thai's who are truly poor and live in small clusters in grass shacks with corrugated tin roofs, a single room that provides no privacy or protection from the elements and is full of mosquito's, 24/7; if you had listened to their stories about how their crops failed one year, a family member needed hospital treatment and there was no work to be had anywhere, other than perhaps 200 baht a day laboring on occasion; if you have seen the anguish as a parent tries to dress their daughters child in the best clothes they can find as they prepare her for school and worry about government loans that must be repaid and they have no idea how they will manage that, or even where they will find food for their evening meal unless they go into the hills and cut bamboo shoots. If you had seen those things then you would understand what it's like to be really really poor yet despite all of it, the family remains a family unit, it has love, support and that's really all they have.

So the role of the eldest daughter (and younger ones also these days) is to provide whatever support she can to that unit and most of the ones I've ever come across take that job very seriously. Some Westerners might call it prostitution but the Thai's will refer to it as working and don't get all hung up about western religious values of no sex before marriage - many Thai's will also see it as a trade off, you want me and sex, I need support for my family. At the end of the day nobody forces the Westerner to take the Thai girl and have sex with her, he could always go a totally different route in life. But if he chooses to take the girl, culture or tradition suggests he should pay, that's the tradition and from a moral perspective, it's not a bad one in my book. Of course, if your Thailand experience has consisted only of life on upper Sukhumvit or an apartment in Langsuan with the odd trip to Koh Samui, you may have no idea whatsoever what's being talked about here and couldn't possible begin to understand the concepts involved.

Nice post but LOVE was not mentioned even once!

I believe;

If she is in love she will protect you from all the nonsense that goes with marrying into a poor Thai family.

If she doesn't love you and she is only after your money then you have to pay bigtime.

It really is that simple

does love ever really enter into it,the family comes first.The first phrase i think they learn first and are instilled with is "take care" love as we define it in the west is not the same here in thailand,love comes coupled with "take care" meaning extended family most times.thais are practical when it comes to love,not dewy eyed like in the early stages of a western relationship.

[TopDogger]

The fact is, that with some money grabbing gold digging future in-laws their pretty little daughter in a lot of cases is the biggest asset they have, and they will try to take maximum advatage/profit of that, whether she love's the guy or not...

[Bobsyouruncle]

"does love ever really enter into it,the family comes first.The first phrase i think they learn first and are instilled with is "take care" love as we define it in the west is not the same here in thailand,love comes coupled with "take care" meaning extended family most times.thais are practical when it comes to love,not dewy eyed like in the early stages of a western relationship."

Yes it does!

I have 2 farang friends that have Thai wifes and live in Australia.

Non of us send money back to Thailand and for that matter have never been asked to.

Our partners work, as well as contributing to the family budget. From time to time they send money home out of their own pockets!

There is the difference. How can you say Thais are not capable of love? Perhaps you need to look outside the bars my friend.

[wolfmanjack]

In hind sight i really don't know what advice to give. I did not pay sin sod and was not asked by the MIL or wife. My MIL said to use the money to make our new life. I wish TV would have been around or someone would have thought of putting the money up for show because other people in the village made comments about it and they looked down on my wife because of it. Until i built our factory and hired a few people from her village then they all started calling her Khun Nai. According to her she did not like either situation.

As far as living together is concerned we do not know and details about the gf to give an honest answer about that.

An informative interesting reply showing a little of the experiences of the other side...village gossips can be very hurtful and you will not always be aware of the criticism your girlfriend or wife might be facing on a regular basis....this will undoubtedly put pressure on to 'show' how well she is doing....hence the requests for money......I have witnessed both the zero to hero....and hero to zero...reclassifications by the villagers.......perhaps you are only as good as your last party...

The main comment made to my wife was why did she marry a poor falang when she could have married a poor thai. She told them she did not marry for money but for love and they thought she was crazy. After we built the factory it was as you say. Zero to Hero.

[imaneggspurt]

@CHANG MAI

Nice story but most ppl are not that poor.

Can you explain to me why thai culture always has to win over farang culture ? If a girl loves a farang its normal for them BOTH to do concessions. I would not get involved with a girl who has a family like the one you describe. In case of someone that poor i can understand that they need support. But there is a difference between support and winning the lottery of course.

EXACTLY !

I think your avatar requires A LOT of support

yes, but not financial luckily !

[chuenyongman]

Hello,

been living with my Thai gf here in bangkok for a few months although we have dated for over a year. Today went to her parents house because her mother wanted to speak to us. Should point out that she is from a poor family.

They told us today they want 100,000 or 200,000 bhat plus gold because we are now "something".....this was all in Thai..but gf explained it as "kind of engaged".

I quietly thought ...<deleted>?.... we are not engaged and are still at early stages of living together in a full on relationship.

I have read that dowrys still exist here for marriage but has anyone heard of a custom of giving alot of money to the parents just to date the daughter. my gf could not explain it well. Also a little bit flustered because her family has not been especially friendly so far but today were all smiles. hmmm.

Thanks.

Similar thing happend to me. My (Now) wifes parents had passed on and the eldest sister was looking for an "Handout". I just said "No" and never heard anymore about it.

[imaneggspurt]

in reply to Bobsyouruncle,......... Snap, me too happily married for 7 years, no problems,no money requests, and her family seem happy as they are, western generosity/stupidity in my opinion can be the downfall of some these families ,my father in law sleeps in a hammock outside, he has no stress or worries, ignorance is a bliss and best left this way i feel,.

[SoftWater]

I put a 100,000 baht on the platter and watched 'Father' sprinkle talcum powder on it to 'cleanse it'. After the wedding ceremony when everyone had gone but the family, he gave it all back to me. It was all for show - "look neighbours,, how well our family are doing" - in the West we call this "keeping up with the Jones's" right? I've never had problems with my thai family and money.

Someone else I know set his gf's parents up with their own BKK restuarant and apartment, providing them with a viable way to make a decent living instead of scraping dust out on the plateau, only to see her steal his money and cheat on him with other foreigners, all with the complicit knowledge of the family.

Moral: just because they ask you for money doesn't mean they are trying to rip you off, nor does it mean they are not.

Don't assume they're bad just because they ask for money, but don't be naive either. I suspect the reason why they were less than friendly with you in the past is because they would have expected you to come forward and make some kind of offer as soon as you started living together. They would see you as less than trustworthy to just start living with their daughter without even coming to see them or asking their permission. For most traditional thais, living together = marriage.

Be sure about this though: if you pay up the money they will see this as an intention to marry (or possibly even a validation that you are 'married' ) - and a village ceremony may well be next. Many couples don't actually register these village marriages in law, and you need not do either (she can't register it without your presence at the district office). I f you want to keep the gf but don't want to legally married this might be one option. However, check out the law, because she may acquiree 'common-law' wife rights once you do. About this, I know nothing - but i'm sure there are others on here that do.

Good luck.

[wolfmanjack]

I think to give 100,000 or 200,000 plus gold is a customarily practice for thai marriage, even thai man do that. But it is not the end of the story especially you are a foreigner, as there is a saying, when you marry a thai, you marry her whole family, so do your homework and check out how many brothers and sisters she has. If she has 5 or 6 brothers and sisters whom are not working, it is time to reconsider the marriage, as they will very soon be on monthly welfare, drawing from your bank account.

100/200k + gold is not customary, anyone below the age of 60 who even considers paying that for some farmers daughter is a complete idiot.

My brother in law paid 100,000 baht which he got from his mother. Now they both work for my sister in law. So 100k is not unheard of for poor people.

[SoftWater]

I think to give 100,000 or 200,000 plus gold is a customarily practice for thai marriage, even thai man do that. But it is not the end of the story especially you are a foreigner, as there is a saying, when you marry a thai, you marry her whole family, so do your homework and check out how many brothers and sisters she has. If she has 5 or 6 brothers and sisters whom are not working, it is time to reconsider the marriage, as they will very soon be on monthly welfare, drawing from your bank account.

100/200k + gold is not customary, anyone below the age of 60 who even considers paying that for some farmers daughter is a complete idiot.

Cobrabiker doesn't know what he's talking about, I'm afraid. 100k is pretty standard. Middle-class Thais pay each other round about a million baht, as did a farang I know. The parents gave him the money back too in order to buy some property for the newly-weds to live in. Where genuine, the dowry system is part about 'show' (as in my case, posted above) and part about security for the daughter. Who knows if this farang husband isn't going to disappear back to farang land or dump their little girl for half a dozen mia noi two years down the road, leaving her pregnant or 'spoiled' for a real thai husband? Well, at least if he does, she's got the house/land/condo/gold. For all the rum mob, i'd just like to say try to start seeing things from another perspective than the "I live in Pattaya and know all about Isaan bar girls" - yeah, there are lots of scammers out there, but so are there lots of decent people too.

A good book to read whcih you can find in most bookshops in BKK is 'Thailand Fever' - it will tell you a lot you don't know about your own culture as well as Thai culture and the points of conflict. It's written in both thai and english which makes it ideal to give to your gf for those things you can't explain to her in English.

Edited July 21, 2009 by SoftWater

[TopDogger]

I think to give 100,000 or 200,000 plus gold is a customarily practice for thai marriage, even thai man do that. But it is not the end of the story especially you are a foreigner, as there is a saying, when you marry a thai, you marry her whole family, so do your homework and check out how many brothers and sisters she has. If she has 5 or 6 brothers and sisters whom are not working, it is time to reconsider the marriage, as they will very soon be on monthly welfare, drawing from your bank account.

100/200k + gold is not customary, anyone below the age of 60 who even considers paying that for some farmers daughter is a complete idiot.

My brother in law paid 100,000 baht which he got from his mother. Now they both work for my sister in law. So 100k is not unheard of for poor people.

But it was for keeps or he got it back?

[TopDogger]

Cobrabiker doesn't know what he's talking about, I'm afraid. 100k is pretty standard. Middle-class Thais pay each other round about a million baht, as did a farang I know. The parents gave him the money back too in order to buy some property for the newly-weds to live in.

So in effect, they PAID nothing..

[chiang mai]

@CHANG MAI

Nice story but most ppl are not that poor.

Can you explain to me why thai culture always has to win over farang culture ? If a girl loves a farang its normal for them BOTH to do concessions. I would not get involved with a girl who has a family like the one you describe. In case of someone that poor i can understand that they need support. But there is a difference between support and winning the lottery of course.

There are huge huge huge numbers of people who are that poor in Thailand, the image I had in mind when I wrote that post was of my girlfriends village but it might easily have been any one of ten thousand other villages.

I've been with my better half for five years now and she has rarely asked me for much financially. One of the more satisfying events of my life was offering to build the family a proper home that moved them out of the grass and tin shack. It cost me all of 400k baht and was worth every satang - their self esteem has improved enormously, their life expectancy has lengthened and they are now really happy people. If my better half left me tomorrow I would still maintain it was money well spent and would not regret any of it. You could say that I won that one, easily and by miles.

But as for Thai culture always winning over farang culture: I think the opening position of many Thai's when it comes to dealing with farangs can be seen that way sometimes but much of it is just an opening position in the debate - if I don't ask I won't know kind of mentality. But push the debate forward a little ways, let some time pass and counter offer with a more reasonable counter offer and they will see sense.

[chiang mai]

For goodness sake, try to understand the culture here.

And what is that (the culture here) To sell your daughter to the highest bidder or to live off her earnings as a prostitute

That could be an interpretation of some Westerners who understand very little about Thailand and its culture, I have a slightly different interpretation however.

Let me see if I can't put the term culture into perspective and call it tradition instead.

If you've ever been close to Thai's who are truly poor and live in small clusters in grass shacks with corrugated tin roofs, a single room that provides no privacy or protection from the elements and is full of mosquito's, 24/7; if you had listened to their stories about how their crops failed one year, a family member needed hospital treatment and there was no work to be had anywhere, other than perhaps 200 baht a day laboring on occasion; if you have seen the anguish as a parent tries to dress their daughters child in the best clothes they can find as they prepare her for school and worry about government loans that must be repaid and they have no idea how they will manage that, or even where they will find food for their evening meal unless they go into the hills and cut bamboo shoots. If you had seen those things then you would understand what it's like to be really really poor yet despite all of it, the family remains a family unit, it has love, support and that's really all they have.

So the role of the eldest daughter (and younger ones also these days) is to provide whatever support she can to that unit and most of the ones I've ever come across take that job very seriously. Some Westerners might call it prostitution but the Thai's will refer to it as working and don't get all hung up about western religious values of no sex before marriage - many Thai's will also see it as a trade off, you want me and sex, I need support for my family. At the end of the day nobody forces the Westerner to take the Thai girl and have sex with her, he could always go a totally different route in life. But if he chooses to take the girl, culture or tradition suggests he should pay, that's the tradition and from a moral perspective, it's not a bad one in my book. Of course, if your Thailand experience has consisted only of life on upper Sukhumvit or an apartment in Langsuan with the odd trip to Koh Samui, you may have no idea whatsoever what's being talked about here and couldn't possible begin to understand the concepts involved.

Nice post but LOVE was not mentioned even once!

I believe;

If she is in love she will protect you from all the nonsense that goes with marrying into a poor Thai family.

If she doesn't love you and she is only after your money then you have to pay bigtime.

It really is that simple

It really is NOT that simple, not by a long shot, read my post about poverty again. Better still, go out and take a tour of the villages and see it for yourself and put what you see into the context of the girls behavior. And ff you think for one nano-second that your girlfriend who is madly in love with you is going to take your side over that of her extremely poor but loving family and say, it's ok honey, I'll protect your money, you don't have to pay anything because I love you, you need to rethink it all and go back to basics.

[robblok]

@CHANG MAI

Nice story but most ppl are not that poor.

Can you explain to me why thai culture always has to win over farang culture ? If a girl loves a farang its normal for them BOTH to do concessions. I would not get involved with a girl who has a family like the one you describe. In case of someone that poor i can understand that they need support. But there is a difference between support and winning the lottery of course.

There are huge huge huge numbers of people who are that poor in Thailand, the image I had in mind when I wrote that post was of my girlfriends village but it might easily have been any one of ten thousand other villages.

I've been with my better half for five years now and she has rarely asked me for much financially. One of the more satisfying events of my life was offering to build the family a proper home that moved them out of the grass and tin shack. It cost me all of 400k baht and was worth every satang - their self esteem has improved enormously, their life expectancy has lengthened and they are now really happy people. If my better half left me tomorrow I would still maintain it was money well spent and would not regret any of it. You could say that I won that one, easily and by miles.

But as for Thai culture always winning over farang culture: I think the opening position of many Thai's when it comes to dealing with farangs can be seen that way sometimes but much of it is just an opening position in the debate - if I don't ask I won't know kind of mentality. But push the debate forward a little ways, let some time pass and counter offer with a more reasonable counter offer and they will see sense.

Ok i can live with what you said but for ppl that poor and if you can miss the money its ok. My MIL and FIL are not rich but they support themselves. I don't pay them and if my gf wants to pay them its her business. She works for her money and pays 40% of the bills so whatever is left she can do with what she wants.

When we were first together we got a lot of requests for money, i turned them all down the moment they start to rely on you to bail them out your in trouble. I dont mind occasionally helping but even my gf gets bored with it. They always want to loan money never pay it back in time. She always has to beg for her own money. She is one of 6 children not the youngest not the oldest but the one in the middle and she payed for her own schooling so she does not feel its right she should pay while others dont.

I think it all depends on the girl that you meet, there are a lot of money grabbing girls out there. But there are gems too but most farang get in contact with the wrong kind.

[Dakhar]

@CHANG MAI

Nice story but most ppl are not that poor.

Can you explain to me why thai culture always has to win over farang culture ? If a girl loves a farang its normal for them BOTH to do concessions. I would not get involved with a girl who has a family like the one you describe. In case of someone that poor i can understand that they need support. But there is a difference between support and winning the lottery of course.

There are huge huge huge numbers of people who are that poor in Thailand, the image I had in mind when I wrote that post was of my girlfriends village but it might easily have been any one of ten thousand other villages.

I've been with my better half for five years now and she has rarely asked me for much financially. One of the more satisfying events of my life was offering to build the family a proper home that moved them out of the grass and tin shack. It cost me all of 400k baht and was worth every satang - their self esteem has improved enormously, their life expectancy has lengthened and they are now really happy people. If my better half left me tomorrow I would still maintain it was money well spent and would not regret any of it. You could say that I won that one, easily and by miles.

But as for Thai culture always winning over farang culture: I think the opening position of many Thai's when it comes to dealing with farangs can be seen that way sometimes but much of it is just an opening position in the debate - if I don't ask I won't know kind of mentality. But push the debate forward a little ways, let some time pass and counter offer with a more reasonable counter offer and they will see sense.

Increasing my In-laws life expectancy would not be considered a sucess

"..... counter offer....." freaking obsurd, what is this a pig auction at a rodeo?

[chiang mai]

@CHANG MAI

Nice story but most ppl are not that poor.

Can you explain to me why thai culture always has to win over farang culture ? If a girl loves a farang its normal for them BOTH to do concessions. I would not get involved with a girl who has a family like the one you describe. In case of someone that poor i can understand that they need support. But there is a difference between support and winning the lottery of course.

There are huge huge huge numbers of people who are that poor in Thailand, the image I had in mind when I wrote that post was of my girlfriends village but it might easily have been any one of ten thousand other villages.

I've been with my better half for five years now and she has rarely asked me for much financially. One of the more satisfying events of my life was offering to build the family a proper home that moved them out of the grass and tin shack. It cost me all of 400k baht and was worth every satang - their self esteem has improved enormously, their life expectancy has lengthened and they are now really happy people. If my better half left me tomorrow I would still maintain it was money well spent and would not regret any of it. You could say that I won that one, easily and by miles.

But as for Thai culture always winning over farang culture: I think the opening position of many Thai's when it comes to dealing with farangs can be seen that way sometimes but much of it is just an opening position in the debate - if I don't ask I won't know kind of mentality. But push the debate forward a little ways, let some time pass and counter offer with a more reasonable counter offer and they will see sense.

Increasing my In-laws life expectancy would not be considered a sucess

"..... counter offer....." freaking obsurd, what is this a pig auction at a rodeo?

All I can say is that people only know the things that they know and it sometimes seems absurd to some Westerners that many poor Thai people don't know more than they do. But people from some of the villages exist in a small and different world from those of us who fly around the planet in 747's and often their only source of news is the gossip they hear from neighbors - it sometimes appears to me that inbred communities exist here, similar in many respects to the Blue Ridge Mountains/Deliverance societies in the US in the last century - how ever could those places/communities have existed in an advanced country such as the US and why did nobody change the attitudes of those people - yet if those places can exist in the US they can certainly exist here. So when one neighbor suggests, falsely of course, that so and so's daughter married a farang and he paid the family half a million baht for the privileged, they believe in turn that's what they must do - they simply don't know any different. Just like many posters here in this thread fail to understand the degree that poverty exists in Thailand and think it's macho and cool to claim that just because they didn't have to pay for the support of a girlfriends family back in Kansas, Ohio or Maine they shouldn't have to do so here.

Edited July 21, 2009 by chiang mai

[GarryP]

A Thai friend of mine (minimum wage factory worker) was asked to pay a dowry of 100k to the prospective mother in law. She promised it was for show and that the money would be returned after the ceremony, minus expenses for food and drink. He had to borrow some money to make up the full amount. The promise to return the dowry was quickly broken and he eneded up married and in debt. What a way to start married life.

[robblok]

A Thai friend of mine (minimum wage factory worker) was asked to pay a dowry of 100k to the prospective mother in law. She promised it was for show and that the money would be returned after the ceremony, minus expenses for food and drink. He had to borrow some money to make up the full amount. The promise to return the dowry was quickly broken and he eneded up married and in debt. What a way to start married life.

I have heard simular stories from a co worker of my wife. In dept and with a wife from hel_l. The moment MIL got the money she changed.

Its not only farangs that get scammed (nice bases for a happy marriage).

[h90]

Hello,

been living with my Thai gf here in bangkok for a few months although we have dated for over a year. Today went to her parents house because her mother wanted to speak to us. Should point out that she is from a poor family.

They told us today they want 100,000 or 200,000 bhat plus gold because we are now "something".....this was all in Thai..but gf explained it as "kind of engaged".

I quietly thought ...<deleted>?.... we are not engaged and are still at early stages of living together in a full on relationship.

I have read that dowrys still exist here for marriage but has anyone heard of a custom of giving alot of money to the parents just to date the daughter. my gf could not explain it well. Also a little bit flustered because her family has not been especially friendly so far but today were all smiles. hmmm.

Thanks.

Even the dowrys like the Farangs pay them don't exist in the real world.....Your experience is just complete nonsense. Don't pay anything!

[chiang mai]

A Thai friend of mine (minimum wage factory worker) was asked to pay a dowry of 100k to the prospective mother in law. She promised it was for show and that the money would be returned after the ceremony, minus expenses for food and drink. He had to borrow some money to make up the full amount. The promise to return the dowry was quickly broken and he eneded up married and in debt. What a way to start married life.

I have heard simular stories from a co worker of my wife. In dept and with a wife from hel_l. The moment MIL got the money she changed.

Its not only farangs that get scammed (nice bases for a happy marriage).

My very first Thai girlfriend and I got along very well - she had just graduated from a Bangkok University with a degree in Finance and was trying to sort out what she might do for a career. After a few months of being together she took me home to meet the family and within five minutes of arriving her mother had the poor girl in tears in front of me whilst she tried to persuade her to persuade me to provide mum and dad with a monthly income - the only words of English the mother seemed to know were, "10,000 baht a month, not much for you". Needless to say mum got nothing and we never returned as a couple and split up some months later. We remain friends after many years and still talk about that incident in a joking way. Her comments on it today are that it will take several generations of evolutionto get rid of that kind of thinking in many Issan villages.

[SoftWater]

Increasing my In-laws life expectancy would not be considered a sucess

U sure? Probably cheaper than footing the funeral bills - them temple parties ain't cheap...

[SoftWater]

My very first Thai girlfriend and I got along very well - she had just graduated from a Bangkok University with a degree in Finance and was trying to sort out what she might do for a career. After a few months of being together she took me home to meet the family and within five minutes of arriving her mother had the poor girl in tears in front of me whilst she tried to persuade her to persuade me to provide mum and dad with a monthly income - the only words of English the mother seemed to know were, "10,000 baht a month, not much for you". Needless to say mum got nothing and we never returned as a couple and split up some months later. We remain friends after many years and still talk about that incident in a joking way. Her comments on it today are that it will take several generations of evolutionto get rid of that kind of thinking in many Issan villages.

Seems like her parents' had a different idea of what 'a finance degree' meant...there probably still wondering what was the point of all that education....

Edited July 21, 2009 by SoftWater

[hammered]

Just a few thoughts:

As others have pointed out living together equals married in village eyes

People get married/live together because they love each other with a few exceptions. That doesnt vary between Thai or western.

When you marry you marry into a family as your wife or husband marries into yours as well and with that come some commitments (could be financial or not or emotional or things like learning the language) as well as some advantages (land inheritances for kids maybe, an opportuntiy to learn about real Thai culture, support from a family).

People seem to obsess about money. There are far more important things in life.

[trogers]

At the end of the day there are definitely ladies out there who will not be grabbing your money,but i think they are rare jewels hard to find but not impossible.

I found mine 20 years ago.

Much depends on how you present yourself in the first few dates.

My first date with my wife (20 years ago) was a dinner at Siam Square, and then I sent her home by public bus (non-aircon), at Bangkapi.

If my wife did not accept the fact I cannot even afford taxi fare, we would not have subsequent dates, nor got married 15 years ago.

[venturalaw]

Just a few thoughts:

As others have pointed out living together equals married in village eyes

People get married/live together because they love each other with a few exceptions. That doesnt vary between Thai or western.

When you marry you marry into a family as your wife or husband marries into yours as well and with that come some commitments (could be financial or not or emotional or things like learning the language) as well as some advantages (land inheritances for kids maybe, an opportuntiy to learn about real Thai culture, support from a family).

People seem to obsess about money. There are far more important things in life.

That is what has been discussed - prospective in-laws obsession with money, for they are the ones who raise the issue when it is raised. So, you are correct.

[easyride]

troll? so this forum has its resident seen it all, tiresome thought police?

lots of arrogant jerks here...you do not know me or anything about me or my gf...get lost if you have nothing useful to say - nobody is forcing you to comment, otherwise this is a forum for free discussion...thanks to anyone who answers maturely.

And you my friend being the biggest jerk. You asked this forum for advice? Did you search the forum for perhaps a similar or indeed same question? Just because some people think you are trolling there is no need or you as a newbie to brand the whole membership as arrogant jerks. If I had my way you'd be banned from membership.

I think you are accusing him of something he did not write. "Lots of" arrogant jerks is not the same as "the whole membership". Having read some of the fatuous replies that are still here after raro wisely deleted 5 of the worse, I can quite see why kaosoi feels a bit ruffled., and for you to say that he should be banned is, perhaps, a trifle arrogant, wouldn't you say?

Personally, I can't help kaosoi on his particular problem, it's a bit out of my life experience. But he has every right to post the question here, and every right to expect some helpful replies, not a load of abusive claptrap.

I took offence at his use of arrogant jerk.

Yes I was a tad arrogant, and exaggerating "Lots" of" merely reflects that Thai culture must be rubbing off.

He could well have done a search to find his answer and if you think my answer was abusive claptrap then I'll join your monastary.