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Risque Jokes

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A man walks into a restaurant and sees on the menu:

Ham Sandwich................... $2.00

Turkey Sandwich................ $2.00

Hand Jobs........................ $10.00

He says to the waitress, "Are you the waitress that gives the hand jobs?"

"Why, yes I am sir!" she replied.

"Then go wash your hands, I want a ham sandwich. :o

  • 2 weeks later...
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  • Author

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow Disease.

The Lady: Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?

The Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

The reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

The Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

From irc:

[02:51] <TiCyB> a woman is in hospital giving birth to her baby.

[02:51] <TiCyB> shes screaming like mad and then the baby is born.

[02:52] <TiCyB> The doctor picks up the baby, then throws it to another doctor.

[02:52] <TiCyB> that doctor then kicks it up and it hits the ceiling, bouncing on the floor and the nurse dives down and tackles the doctor for it, they carry on for a few minutes, and after a while, the baby falls to the floor, motionless.

[02:52] <TiCyB> and then doctor looks up at the woman and says

[02:52] <TiCyB> "only joking!! it was dead already"

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and cant help but ask, "Is your date running late "

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it ?"

"It uses alphawaves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"Whats it telling you now?"

"Well, it says youre not wearing any panties "

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "dam_n thing must be an hour fast."

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

(Seriously, is anyone offended by the usage of the word dam_n?)

From irc:

[02:51] <TiCyB> a woman is in hospital giving birth to her baby.

[02:51] <TiCyB> shes screaming like mad and then the baby is born.

[02:52] <TiCyB> The doctor picks up the baby, then throws it to another doctor.

[02:52] <TiCyB> that doctor then kicks it up and it hits the ceiling, bouncing on the floor and the nurse dives down and tackles the doctor for it, they carry on for a few minutes, and after a while, the baby falls to the floor, motionless.

[02:52] <TiCyB> and then doctor looks up at the woman and says

[02:52] <TiCyB> "only joking!! it was dead already"

Man...that one really cracked me up... :o

From irc:

[02:51] <TiCyB> a woman is in hospital giving birth to her baby.

[02:51] <TiCyB> shes screaming like mad and then the baby is born.

[02:52] <TiCyB> The doctor picks up the baby, then throws it to another doctor.

[02:52] <TiCyB> that doctor then kicks it up and it hits the ceiling, bouncing on the floor and the nurse dives down and tackles the doctor for it, they carry on for a few minutes, and after a while, the baby falls to the floor, motionless.

[02:52] <TiCyB> and then doctor looks up at the woman and says

[02:52] <TiCyB> "only joking!! it was dead already"

Man...that one really cracked me up... :o

Just pretend instead of a 'newborn' it's a 'newly elected Hillary' and instead of 'dead' it says 'braindead' or 'emotionally dead'.

  • Author

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years"

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The Hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that."

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years"

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The Hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that."

This joke is universal, It's told in the UK about local councils... It's also very funny!

  • Author

A man and a woman were in a car arguing about his infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off and tosses it out the window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his nine-year-old daughter. All of a sudden the penis smacks into the windscreen of their car.

Surprised the daughter asks, "Daddy, what was that?''

Not wanting to shock his little girl the father replies. "It was only a bug honey.''

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face. "Sure had a big cock didn't it.''

:o

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

Is there a way to post movies? I've got one on the "British Sex Course" which will guarantee to split your sides and tear your eyes.

Is there a way to post movies? I've got one on the "British Sex Course" which will guarantee to split your sides and tear your eyes.

I think the movie has to be downloadable. So if it's on a web site just post the link. More than that I'm not sure.

Male Stripper

OK ladies. This one is for you.

malestripper.gif

  • Author
The Sheep Are Happy

BrokebackSHEEP1.gif

Is that a Kiwi joke Boony? :o

:D

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, a box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged sholders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.

:o

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

Each with a buck and a quarter,

Jill came down with $2.50

The &lt;deleted&gt; whore

(Andrew Dice Clay)

My all time favorite:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Yuk, yuk. :o

No. But funny!!! Yuk, yuk. (Amazing how many blank lines you could post. I figured I'd stop before I crashed the system and get myself banned! :o)

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

Enhancement

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?" "Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the

muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much,let's go for it."

Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc

for his blessing.

Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action".

Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for

his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town,anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible!

Can you do it again?"

Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

Crying Boy

Once a boy came crying from school. When he arrived to his house, he told his dad, still crying, "Dad, a kid in school called me gay."

"Hit him next time." The dad said.

"No...he's too cute."

  • Author

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the &lt;deleted&gt; up."

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

:o:D great one!

LaoPo

29 AMAZING REASONS WHY AMERICA SUCKS!

1. If only our culture was as inferior as those of other countries, we could fly planes into their buildings.

2. We naively export globes with America on it, showing terrorists exactly where we live.

3. As long as we allow him to eat so many pies, Michael Moore will continue to hate crass consumption.

4. Not executing homosexuals or adulturers makes us a laughing stock in Islamic countries.

5. If we truly were a corrupt corporate pawn, we would have gotten oil for blood.

Read the rest here .

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