Helping The Family

[mrbojangles]

The money we send is being used to put my step daughter through school and for improvements to the house they live in, this isnt just for their benefit it is for mine as well. They have built me a proper shower room with a sit down toilet, they have built me a aircon room, for when it gets too hot.

The way my wife sees it we are improving the house the she will inherit when her parents are no longer with us.

For those who put up the negative posts of dont give em anything, well what can i say, what a bunch of selfish pr1cks, would you do this to your own family in whichever country you reside? if your mum or dad needed some financial help and you were able to give it, and your wife said no, how would YOU feel towards your wife? At the end of the day your wifes family is NOW your family as well.

Ditto that Daleyboy. They also built me a shower room etc and theyr'e great people, a couple of hundred pounds every now and again is sod all to me but to her parents it's a massive amount.

It was never designed to be a money making operation...I just get tired of seeing them sit around and drink and only work to put in the rice and then harvest the rice...It is such a waste...So, at least for these families, I have stopped that and they are now working year round...every day...and $250 a month is small enough price to see 2 families and my mother-in-law doing something constructive and being involved...

Stoneman

Good on you Stoneman. If you hadn't bought the land you would still have been shelling out $250 a month anyway. Now, you've also got some land which in itself should increase in value anyway.

Mr BoJ

[davethailand]

There's been some good avice and negative advice a2396 but as none of us know your situation it's difficult for anyone to give you accurate advice, just food for thought.

One thing to remember though, we weren't around when our wives where children and being brought up by their parents. We Westerners tend to forget about our parents wealth, as usually they have a pension to help them through their latter years. The Thais don't have this and so what is wrong with your Mrs helping mum and dad out? My Mrs helps her parents, not vast sums, but i'm glad she does. When i'm old and frail i sure hope my off-spring are there to assist me, either financially or otherwise. I'm not going to give her Brother's anything though 

Mr BoJ

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Good points made there matey. The wife and i send money to help her family every now and then, not on a regular basis. We send a few hundred pounds once every couple of months.

Her family still work in the fields, but not as much as they used too. They rent out a lot of their land now so get a resonable return on that.

The money we send is being used to put my step daughter through school and for improvements to the house they live in, this isnt just for their benefit it is for mine as well. They have built me a proper shower room with a sit down toilet, they have built me a aircon room, for when it gets too hot.

The way my wife sees it we are improving the house the she will inherit when her parents are no longer with us.

For those who put up the negative posts of dont give em anything, well what can i say, what a bunch of selfish pr1cks, would you do this to your own family in whichever country you reside? if your mum or dad needed some financial help and you were able to give it, and your wife said no, how would YOU feel towards your wife? At the end of the day your wifes family is NOW your family as well.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Good post

[brubo1]

When not giving handouts to your wife's or GF's families you have to always remember how that family and your wife/GF are being looked at in their community. I would hope that most of you guys that are involved with Thais know how important social status (the amount of money you show) is in Thailand. Being involved with a farang gives a thai girl and her family instant respect and recognition - however, if the farang turns out to be a "cheap Charlie" the fact that they are involved with one makes them the laughing stock of the village! Don't just count the Baht - show a bit of consideration towards a different culture - whether you like it or not!

[maikee]

Not sure what we gave... I'm sure my wife gave some though out of what I gave her per month...

Tell you where I majorly phucked up.

For our marriage we discussed a sinsot amount. Regardless of what you guys say is enough, too much... doesn't matter... I wanted and we agreed to 100k. Found out later Mom had a couple chinots out on a couple loans. One located at the bank, the other with someone who was taking 20% a year, she still owed 180k on that, so feeling all magnanimous I suggested that I give her 180000 for the sinsot with the promise and deal that she goes and pays of the chinot from the loan shark. She'll then owe me 20k every 6 months. Should have been easy since paying back just 20 percent interest of 180k is 36k. Mother liked that idea and was more than fair.

Everyone was all smiles.. chinot paid off... everyone was happy.

I had loaned her mother several times before up to 10k and had always been paid back without being asked.

As the last couple months approached, I reminded her of the deal and each time was met with no problem, everything is under control.

This month came it was time and all of a sudden it was a big deal. I decided to stick to my guns, because really, it wasn't a problem to pay 20 percent a year on this other debt. Well, they didn't plan. I just ended up cutting 20k out of what the wife used for expenses and the wife asked mother for money. So I pissed off 2 Thai women in one fell swoop. Mother pissed. won't talk to me or the wife. After taking grief for a couple days, I said enough... don't worry about it... forget the debt. I don't want any more problems. Even kicking back in the expenses... Nope, wife would have none of it (would not take the money), instead making me out to be the bad guy (and having her brother believe her "half" of the story, although I since explained the real deal).

As others have said... and I learned, the hard way, never consider a loan a loan... it is a gift.

[Nam Kao]

Give the parents 3-4,000 /month IF they need it.

Dont give the family members anything, once you start shelling out $$ it will

be expected forever, once you miss a payment.,,, well lets not go there...

Be strong, dont get ripped off like 90% of the falangs already

[chownah]

Posts like the previous (edit: now that I've posted it is actually the second previous post) remind me of Benjamin Franklin, that famous Brit who coined the phrase (among many others), "Neither a borrower nor a lender be."

Edited July 15, 2005 by chownah

[maikee]

Posts like the previous (edit: now that I've posted it is actually the second previous post) remind me of Benjamin Franklin, that famous Brit who coined the phrase (among many others), "Neither a borrower nor a lender be."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

amen

[ozzydom]

IMHO It pays to lay the ground rules very early on when you marry a Thai and stick to them implicitly. Many good points have been made in these postings and anybody contemplating marriage to a Thai should heed much of the advice given, for those of us already married we are in whatever our situation for better or worse.

Before my dear one and I married it was agreed I would upgrade the house in the village,complete with Western style bathroom etc (for my benefit) as my widowed Mother-in-law lives there to look after my teenage Daughter-in-law.

I bought her a new Honda to go to High School on ,send her 3000 bt a month for living expenses and pay all school fees,uniforms etc.

It was made clear from the outset that I would not support the Son-in Law as he is 22 yrs old and works and that I would not lend to relly,s.I learnt long ago that loans, when pay back time comes are suddenly interpretted as gifts because you have a good heart.(in Oz as well as here)

I must admit I have footed the bill now and then around the village in medical emergencies but dont expect pay back as these are gifts.

As everything was agreed early on there have been no hassles .

[ProThaiExpat]

Posts herein reflect the split in humanity between people who are giving in nature and those who are not.

Giving people must reach a place with their Thais that reflects their comfort level and your own. Those who enjoy giving and making others happy by doing so are not "suckers" by definition. except in the lexicon of the ungiving of us.

I consider myself lucky to have had the opportunity to buy my 78 year old mother-in-law her own house with a large lot and a store in front.

Her "face" in the village couldn't be higher, her joy in growing vegatables in the back is continuing and by buying this house and store, I bought out the only other competition in the villlage to sister-in-law's store. Mom rents parking spaces to students attending the school next door. A real "win win" situation.

Where before there was a constant "pull" for my Thai to go home and stay for long periods with Mom, now its "stay with your husband and take care of my great son-in-law", etc. All for 380k Baht including newly bought furniture and appliances. A wiser "investment" I couldn't have made. I earned a lot of "face" in my Thai's family as well.

On the personal side, coming from a disfunctional family, I am no judge of what is "normal" giving within a loving family. After many tries to get to a level of comfort with my Thai and spending habits. which are typical of most Thais spoken about in Thaivisa, I have reached a plan which is working well. I live on a good pension, so I pay out of that our essential expenses and then split the balance each month with my Thai. Thus, an essential sense of fairness prevails and prevents further requests for money and my Thai has control over the money given with no strings or questions about where it goes.

My view of marriage includes the concept of sharing equally and I include money in that equation. I no longer am an ATM as I do not "dispense" money. We both draw half of what is left over after essentials and my essentials like aircon are sure a great deal higher than my Thai's, yet never a word has been spoken about that or some of the expensive falange food I buy as an essential. My "fairness" toward my Thai is much appreciated and only operates to my benefit as I have never been happier.

I am likewise relieved not to have to arbitrate money requests, decide how my Thai spends money or monitor gifts to family and their amounts.

Edited July 15, 2005 by ProThaiExpat

[davethailand]

For those who put up the negative posts of dont give em anything, well what can i say, what a bunch of selfish pr1cks, would you do this to your own family in whichever country you reside? if your mum or dad needed some financial help and you were able to give it, and your wife said no, how would YOU feel towards your wife? At the end of the day your wifes family is NOW your family as well.

It seems this quote was bang on target daleyboy

All the people that this quote refers to have obviously been stung before, why did you bother to marry a thai?

[Bilko]

I pay for my gf's Sister to go to School, she is nearly 17 and if she wants to go to Uni when she is 18, I will pay for that also.

I opened a Bank account for her on her 16th Birthday, and put 5000 baht in, and I put 7500 in her Bank last time I was home, I done that cos she still had 2700 baht left after 6 months, and she had bought her school clothes herself, you should have seen her face when she found out she had just over 10,000 baht in the bank .

Am I stupid, I don't think so.

Would I have done the same had it been a brother?

Not a Chance!!!

[Kringle]

[Any possibility that I can adopt her pnus?

 

I'll bring her round in a couple of weeks - you can ask her urself!

Pnustedt is just the prime example of what is wrong in giving money to the family. If he's given (and I do meen HE (wife wouldn't have it without him)) millions of baht over the years and her family hasn't gotten things together in that amount of time and with those kinds of funds, then the family will always be a leech. Just crazy to me.

A very narrow minded comment concerning something you know nothing about. The family are pretty well together now and are certainly not leeches. I am very proud of my wife's commitment to them and their work ethic.

Your wifes' family should be well and truely "pretty well together" after an influx of MILLIONS of baht. Dammm, what Thai family wouldn't be? How many million are you talking about and how much just went to nothing. Do you even know the answer? All well and good that you are able to do this but the real point is WHY is anyone EXPECTED to take care of the whole family and just keep doling out money. I can see HELPING but NOT SUPPORTING the family.

If YOU are able to dole out these kind of funds then fine, but to say that this is the RIGHT thing and the proper thing is wrong. Helping NOT supporting.

I do apologise for not understanding that you have more than enough to throw out to your wife and or to her family and maybe I'm jaded in my thinking as the inlaws all came running to me and the misses once we were married looking for money. He11 if you have the money throw some their way.

[Nam Kao]

Also I am not a cheap charlie, I bought my widowed MIL (who was homeless)

a house in the country (5K USD). I checked her out first, if she wasnt a such

sweet person who helped alot of people herself in her lifetime I wouldnt have.

The brothers and sisters had their hands open and I said to them point blank:

Me Falang - not ATM !! This falang Mai Kwai

They were angry for a bit but now OK and dont ask. One brother gave my

wife a buffalo story (this guy used to beat her when she was small) about

his rice fields were flooded and yada yada yada. So my wifes all teary eyed

and i said "Lets go take a look". We show up and rice is growing perfect.

My wife said "Boy you smart falang huh" then went and yelled at the brother

for a half hour while i looked on Chang in hand smiling. Priceless....

Geez i could write a book...

[meom]

I know a couple of guys who give their girlfriends 10,000 baht a month, silly buggers, they don't realise how much that is to these girls, and that the girls are laughing at them behind their backs.

I give a lot more than 10K baht/month. In fact all my money goes straight into the combined bank account and we each take out what we need. No problem at all.

Regarding support to the family I leave that to up to her.

I believe she's giving some money for cooking and such and other than that everybody (brothers & sisters) take care themselves.

[ozzydom]

I would not try to influence my wife as to how much she should give her family - she can make such decisions on her own and has free and open access to our bank accounts.

She does not give them a monthly allowance but I know that she has contributed several million Baht over the past few years to help them to be able to fend for themselves.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

MMM 1 mill = 20yrs income of a rural Thai family, Yep I imagine they FEND for themselves very nicely on a few mill in a few years, When ya got it flaunt it.

[uncle paul]

I must admit i dont see what the problem is by giving your family a bit of dosh if you can afford it.

My wife's family are not poor by any means but i still contribute to the house by installing AC and making sure there is pumped water at all times. I paid my sister in laws excess hospital bill and set up my niece in her own surgery once she qualified as a vet.

We have been given land by other members of the family etc etc

I love the sense of family in Thailand and will play my part.

TUM DEE DI DEE

oh yes for all you people who are scared of being ripped off by buying property for Thai family here is the answer. have an ageement written up where the property is leased back to you for 30 years at a peppercorn rent or buy the property as a company and let to the family for 1 baht a year fro as long as you are married, however, i would say if you cant trust whoever you marry DONT MARRY THEM

Edited July 15, 2005 by uncle paul

[Nam Kao]

>>>>>>>I would not try to influence my wife as to how much she should give her family - she can make such decisions on her own and has free and open access to our bank accounts.>>>>>>>>>>>.

[a2396]

In my situation I am giving 30,000 bht (per month) split 50/50 between Mama and my wife. I consider this excessive and will not cotinue it indefinately. In addition, I have no precise knowledge as to where this money goes. Some is obviously for househlod expenses, but this does not require 30,000. Wife does not work, which is my preferance as well as hers. Logic would conclude that a large portion of the money is going to places unknown, gambling, debt or relatives. Wife and I will be having a "discussion" about all this at a future time.

[mpdkorat]

I would not try to influence my wife as to how much she should give her family - she can make such decisions on her own and has free and open access to our bank accounts.

She does not give them a monthly allowance but I know that she has contributed several million Baht over the past few years to help them to be able to fend for themselves.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That is a very dangerous path to follow IMHO.

[Heng]

I honestly dont know that many Thais that make a regular payment to their parents, unless their parents are looking after children for them.

As for supporting brothers and sisters why?? Unless they are owed money or had supported your partner in the past why should she give them anything.

On the contrary, I'd say family support is the norm. Families tend to be more cohesive here (whether it's sending funds to your folks whether they need them or not or helping family members through business partnerships, getting access to concessions, jobs, etc.). That's why it's not strange to want to help out your parents, siblings, cousins, etc. It's both good (family businesses actually staying in the family over generations, siblings supporting siblings to go to school, etc.) and bad (kids breaking their backs in the city trying to support slackers in the countryside), but I'd say it tends towards the good.

The issue is, not all farangs ever really become family members here. If you do, then yes, you may want to consider fitting into local norms somewhat. If you're fairly sure that you're not a member of the family, then tell them to fruit off.

[mpdkorat]

I must admit i dont see what the problem is by giving your family a bit of dosh if you can afford it.

My wife's family are not poor by any means but i still contribute to the house by installing AC and making sure there is pumped water at all times. I paid my sister in laws excess hospital bill and set up my niece in her own surgery once she qualified as a vet.

We have been given land by other members of the family etc etc

I love the sense of family in Thailand and will play my part.

TUM DEE DI DEE

oh yes for all you people who are scared of being ripped off by buying property for Thai family here is the answer. have an ageement written up where the property is leased back to you for 30 years at a peppercorn rent or buy the property as a company and let  to the family for 1 baht a year fro as long as you are married, however, i would say if you cant  trust whoever you marry DONT MARRY THEM

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yes I agree with you, particular the second paragragh. But I find it a little strange that we farangs are alsways the first to be asked for assistance and are looked apon as tight fisted when we turn them down.

I remember one time I was asked for 20,000 baht to re open a petrol station belonging to an aunt. The sisters were sitting around explaining to me that it would not take long to give me the money back. They were all wearing gold at the time. I said that if they were not worried about getting the money back why did they not porn the gold. Well you can imagine the response I got to that. Non. The petrol station was opened a few days later and they were all still wearing the gold.

[RamdomChances]

I honestly dont know that many Thais that make a regular payment to their parents, unless their parents are looking after children for them.

As for supporting brothers and sisters why?? Unless they are owed money or had supported your partner in the past why should she give them anything.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

On the contrary, I'd say family support is the norm. Families tend to be more cohesive here (whether it's sending funds to your folks whether they need them or not or helping family members through business partnerships, getting access to concessions, jobs, etc.). That's why it's not strange to want to help out your parents, siblings, cousins, etc. It's both good (family businesses actually staying in the family over generations, siblings supporting siblings to go to school, etc.) and bad (kids breaking their backs in the city trying to support slackers in the countryside), but I'd say it tends towards the good.

The issue is, not all farangs ever really become family members here. If you do, then yes, you may want to consider fitting into local norms somewhat. If you're fairly sure that you're not a member of the family, then tell them to fruit off.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Actually what I wrote was this

honestly dont know that many Thais that make a regular payment to their parents, unless their parents are looking after children for them. Yes often the parents will live with the children and the children house and feed them or a family will each put a bit a month towards putting someone through Uni. They may give them some money now and again or help out when needed but I can't think of anyone I know that makes regular payments.

As for supporting brothers and sisters why?? Unless they are owed money or had supported your partner in the past why should she give them anything.

Support comes in many ways and as I was saying I dont know anyone who makes regular monthly payments, there nothing at all wrong with helping the family out. Yes I also consider myself part of the family (we've lived together for about 5 years) and the "local norms" are not just giving people money every month. As I said i't not uncoman for a few family members to make a regular contribution towards schooling.

Do you give a set amount each month to your parentrs, wife, brothers, sisters? I dont . We have joint bank accounts, I help her mum and one brother out if needed the rest of the brothers and sisters we rarely see and they certianly dont send money home to mum every month.

[Heng]

Support comes in many ways and as I was saying I dont know anyone who makes regular monthly payments, there nothing at all wrong with helping the family out. Yes I also consider myself part of the family (we've lived together for about 5 years) and the "local norms" are not just giving people money every month. As I said i't not uncoman for a few family members to make a regular contribution towards schooling.

Do you give a set amount each month to your parentrs, wife, brothers, sisters?  I dont . We have joint bank accounts, I help her mum and one brother out if needed the rest of the brothers and sisters we rarely see and they certianly dont send money home to mum every month.

And as I was saying many people do make regular monthly payments (and if not monthy, then several times a year... perhaps not always on the same day to be called "regular" but the spirit is the same). It's not necessarily out of support (although there is plenty of that going on too, especially for the elderly), many times it's simply out of appreciation. In particular those whose parents or relatives went the extra distance putting their younger family members through school, working harder so their kids and relatives could study abroad, live in luxury dorms, etc., you'll often (not always) see these kids giving a lot back, certainly well in excess of what they received from family elders.

To my wife (or fiance actually), brothers, and sisters (well, at least not that often), no. To my parents, yes. In fact I give them a significant portion of my income (it's not like you don't get it all back anyway with interest; it's a rather natural cycle... parents take care of their kids and as many relatives as possible, their kids take care of their parents and as many relatives as possible). Is it a set amount? No, because my monthly/yearly revenues vary. Every few months (or more depending on the purchase) we go out and purchase some property or invest in this or that, etc. as kind of a family tradition. Some of it has gone low/zero return endeavors as well... to relatives that I barely even know (some who travel from China, Vietnam, Malaysia, etc. just to "borrow" funds from more prosperous relatives), and to some who aren't even old enough to walk.

[RamdomChances]

Heng

If you read my post and yours they actually are'nt really far apart. I was never trying to say that "family support" is not the norm rather in my locality giving a fix monthly ammount was. We obviously live in different enviroments you I belive are in BKK and I live in a small farming community that was originaly started by 3 brothers (on was my wifes father) so the whole community is pretty much related and most just get bye with little spare cash to give.

[Nam Kao]

In my situation I am giving 30,000 bht (per month) split 50/50 between Mama and my wife. I consider this excessive and will not cotinue it indefinately. In addition, I have no precise knowledge as to where this money goes. Some is obviously for househlod expenses, but this does not require 30,000. Wife does not work, which is my preferance as well as hers. Logic would conclude that a large portion of the money is going to places unknown, gambling, debt or relatives. Wife and I will be having a "discussion" about all this at a future time.

Good for you A2396 !! I'd say 4000 to Mom, and 10,000 to wife - tops.

Dont take any crap, A Thai husband would put her in a hospital for this BS.

Regards

Nam

[Nam Kao]

>>>>I remember one time I was asked for 20,000 baht to re open a petrol station belonging to an aunt.

Sounds like you were going to get scammed. Be careful.

nam

[LoveDaBlues]

Posts herein reflect the split in humanity between people who are giving in nature and those who are not.

Giving people must reach a place with their Thais that reflects their comfort level and your own.  Those who enjoy giving and making others happy by doing so are not "suckers" by definition. except in the lexicon of the ungiving of us.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

This is a re-occuring topic on this forum and this is a great post. Over and over the same negative people pipe in about the suckers being ripped off. I'm inclined to believe these people also don't give to charity or help family members in their home countries. I enjoy giving to the GF and her family because I know where 100% of the money goes......to the family. With charities in the U.S. a lot of the money is gobbled up by administrative costs.

I'm also betting that a large percentage of the 'no-givers' have been ripped off creating a negative attitude. Most likely by the GF/Wife. Under this scenerio the negative attitude is understandable. This is sad but no reason to paint all Thai women with the same brush. I know of many, many women here in the United States that constantly want more, more, more from the hubby. And more often than not they get it

I hope the 'cheap charlies' get buried with the few bucks they saved from not helping the Wife/GF's family. You can't take the &lt;deleted&gt; money with you.....allow your loved ones to share and have a better life.

As to the original poster, from your comments I think you're on the right track. You'll soon figure out what a reasonable amount is. If the wife can't handle you giving a reasonable amount then this makes her.......unreasonable. Then you'll most likely be faced with a much tougher problem. Whatever happens good luck.

ps - Currently I am still in the US and I send 10,000 baht each month to the GF. Before any purchase she tells me how much and gets my okay. This allows me to track where the money goes. Once I'm in Thailand and she is living with me I'll support her and send her parents 6,000 baht each month. I think this is fair.....should allow them to buy some 'extras' they could not afford before.

[350torana]

I guess I am lucky/unlucky. My wife has her own house in Bangers, left to her by her grandmother. That is the lucky part. Unlucky part is mother-in-law left her husband and set up camp here . I am quite happy to pay all the power, telephone and water bills each month . But I refuse to give mother in law any money . Her husband gets a 30,000 pension monthly and she gets half of this.

I have a two year old daughter to look after and she and my wife are number one. We have a budget..it might sound stingy. But spend 1000 baht everyday, 500 for me, 500 for my wife .(plus baby costs) If my wife chooses to spend money on her mother ..it comes out of her money .

Interesting she gives my wife's brother 4000 every month to pay of his car loan but never offers to let her stay with him.

Sorry, this has turned into a mother-in-law bcitch

[Neeranam]

ps - Currently I am still in the US and I send 10,000 baht each month to the GF. Before any purchase she tells me how much and gets my okay. This allows me to track where the money goes. Once I'm in Thailand and she is living with me I'll support her and send her parents 6,000 baht each month. I think this is fair.....should allow them to buy some 'extras' they could not afford before.

So have you any experience in Thailand?

How do you know Thai people so well?

Good for you A2396 !! I'd say 4000 to Mom, and 10,000 to wife - tops.

Dont take any crap, A Thai husband would put her in a hospital for this BS.

Regards

Nam

This is a very generous amount. Yes, the family have face to keep as their daughter has a farang. What has caused this attitude - suckers giving away heaps of cash, with absolutely no idea of the cost of living for Thai people.

While I was waiting for a songtaew the other day, the somtam lady asked me for some money. I told her to bugger off. She said all farang are rich, and asked if I could find one for her, as I was waiting in the midday heat for the bus, and the day before she was telling me about her husbands brand new car!

I have a two year old daughter to look after and she and my wife are number one. We have a budget..it might sound stingy. But spend 1000 baht everyday, 500 for me, 500 for my wife .(plus baby costs) If my wife chooses to spend money on her mother ..it comes out of her money .

Likewise mate. Shouldn't the mother in law be giving us money?

Edited July 16, 2005 by Neeranam

[Nam Kao]

350, that sounds like a no stress set up, you are smart.

nam