Smart-Aleck Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check

tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he

opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Smart-AleckAnswer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart-Aleck Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart-Aleck Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'Low bridge ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

and finally, Smart-Aleck #5,

THE TEACHER Smart-Aleck Answer OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-aleck guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

hee...hee that's brilliant!

My kids are too young for me to use such remarks - however I did call one van damme for trying to do kick boxing in the class (went over his head)

That's very similar to the young lady who was confronted by a flasher, when he opened his raincoat and showed her what he had she said " It looks like a dick but smaller".

A woman goes into a butcher shop, when she can't see what she wants she asks the butcher, Sir do you have a pigs head?

The butcher quickly replies, Sorry ma'am I don't have a pigs head, it's just the way I part my hair...

I know that guy, he's the one who went into the chemist and asked for some anagelesic creme.

The chemist said "certainly sir,walk this way".

The customer said"if I could walk that way I wouldn't need the creme.

A bloke fell into an upholstery machine....He's fully recovered!

Man walks into a pharmacy and asks for deoderant.

Pharmacist: Ball or aerosole?

Man: Neither, I want it for under my arms.