It Must Be Built In............. It Has To Be.

[nocturn]

Oh,,, OP.

I sympathise with you, I have inherited the laziest, good for nothing kid I have ever seen.

She is 11, won't listen to a word I say, (after living here for 3 years ).

Will not, cannot speak English, has no desire to learn, my wife doesn't push her in the slightest, so I end up being the "wrong un " for telling her to get off her fat arse and do something, other than waking up on a weekend and sitting and watching shitty thai TV all day long, with the occasional break for a piss and a bite to eat, there is nothing else.

She has no friends to speak of, the few that occasionally visit her are fed up watching TV and want to play on thier bikes etc, I bought her a bike a few years ago, a nice bike to 3000 baht.

She in 3 years, has been on it about 5 times , to lazy to play with her friends.

Dirty too, too lazy to do anything, just this morning I was doing a little weeding in the rock garden and she sat and looked, I asked her if I had missed any weeds, with that she promptly went indoors and swithched the tv on.

<deleted>!!

it is a matter of respect. If her mother makes it clear you have no authority then why should she pay any attention to you?

how is your Thai coming along?

[473geo]

My daughter has never given me any reason to beat her, she is kind and thoughtful, my son has had the occasional switch stick swipe from his mother, when he got himself into situations of potential danger. I have let her know that now he is old enough and intelligent enough to understand explanation rather than pain.

The only time from me was when he was 3 and bit my finger hard, I bit him back and slapped his bum a couple of times. I think he cried from shock. he was biting others too! it has cured him of this habit!!

I would not beat either of them now, it helps I am quite relaxed about most things, but will not have my children living in fear that if they cross the line they will get a 'good thrashing'.......does that make me a non loving/caring parent?......the loving way they speak my name and behave around me says not.....

Perhaps my memory is too good and I remember how I was as child, far from perfect, but not a bad child......maybe that is why I am prepared to spare the rod and give them a little credit for not being stupid....... but behaving as children

Let my children grow up I say, slowly, enjoying their childhood, and youth, without too many rules.....kids have that all day at school..

[roamer]

I "inherited" my daughter at the age of 8. Now at 16 on a Saturday afternoon she is sitting opposite me revising her Biology & Chemistry A levels. If she gets any free time tomorrow she'll be off kayaking. It wasn't the move to the UK that made the difference. I look at her mum grafting away at a pile of paperwork she has taken home for the weekend and think I know where the work ethic comes from.

[canuckamuck]

I like how people who don't spank always refer to it as a thrashing or a beating. I don't think I have ever seen a parent thrash or beat a child, but I have seen many spanks. Those who thrash obviously do it in private and are people with a limited bag of parenting skills.

Depending on age and communication level, I think a spank can be expertly applied to stop and reset a child who is attempting something dangerous, hurting another person, or has gone into a tantrum. I think however that if it used often it loses it's shock value and kids adapt. It also makes lazy parents.

It is better I believe to find other motivators and this comes from knowing your kids well.

[transam]

Get out of the village. You can't outweigh the environment.

I think you have hit it on the head.

+1 spot on.

jb1

Seriously, you think this is a village problem? I see the same crap in the cities here.

Get out of Thailand perhaps.

Personally I think the problem is unequal parenting styles, you really need your wife to back you up or its like making water go uphill.

For sure, and my mrs agrees, but her Thai baby, and her baby comes firs, and he's a soldier. Drat.

Edited October 8, 2011 by transam

[473geo]

I like how people who don't spank always refer to it as a thrashing or a beating. I don't think I have ever seen a parent thrash or beat a child, but I have seen many spanks. Those who thrash obviously do it in private and are people with a limited bag of parenting skills.

Depending on age and communication level, I think a spank can be expertly applied to stop and reset a child who is attempting something dangerous, hurting another person, or has gone into a tantrum. I think however that if it used often it loses it's shock value and kids adapt. It also makes lazy parents.

It is better I believe to find other motivators and this comes from knowing your kids well.

Perhaps if you had gone to school that practiced corporal punishment you would understand a good thrashing, or even six of the best....and yes in my experience the more severe punishment is not applied in the mall!

I agree that a reminder can assist in control, but as you say there are other options

Edited October 8, 2011 by 473geo

[nocturn]

I like how people who don't spank always refer to it as a thrashing or a beating. I don't think I have ever seen a parent thrash or beat a child, but I have seen many spanks. Those who thrash obviously do it in private and are people with a limited bag of parenting skills.

Depending on age and communication level, I think a spank can be expertly applied to stop and reset a child who is attempting something dangerous, hurting another person, or has gone into a tantrum. I think however that if it used often it loses it's shock value and kids adapt. It also makes lazy parents.

It is better I believe to find other motivators and this comes from knowing your kids well.

i dont refer to it in any way. I have also never need to spank my child, the bad girl step, or going up to her room works just fine thanks, But then her mother and i agree to act uniformly and we dont undermine each others authority.

[transam]

I like how people who don't spank always refer to it as a thrashing or a beating. I don't think I have ever seen a parent thrash or beat a child, but I have seen many spanks. Those who thrash obviously do it in private and are people with a limited bag of parenting skills.

Depending on age and communication level, I think a spank can be expertly applied to stop and reset a child who is attempting something dangerous, hurting another person, or has gone into a tantrum. I think however that if it used often it loses it's shock value and kids adapt. It also makes lazy parents.

It is better I believe to find other motivators and this comes from knowing your kids well.

i dont refer to it in any way. I have also never need to spank my child, the bad girl step, or going up to her room works just fine thanks, But then her mother and i agree to act uniformly and we dont undermine each others authority.

Perhaps your lady knows who pays the bills and doesn't want to upset things.

[Tim207]

Oh,,, OP.

I sympathise with you, I have inherited the laziest, good for nothing kid I have ever seen.

She is 11, won't listen to a word I say, (after living here for 3 years ).

Will not, cannot speak English, has no desire to learn, my wife doesn't push her in the slightest, so I end up being the "wrong un " for telling her to get off her fat arse and do something, other than waking up on a weekend and sitting and watching shitty thai TV all day long, with the occasional break for a piss and a bite to eat, there is nothing else.

She has no friends to speak of, the few that occasionally visit her are fed up watching TV and want to play on thier bikes etc, I bought her a bike a few years ago, a nice bike to 3000 baht.

She in 3 years, has been on it about 5 times , to lazy to play with her friends.

Dirty too, too lazy to do anything, just this morning I was doing a little weeding in the rock garden and she sat and looked, I asked her if I had missed any weeds, with that she promptly went indoors and swithched the tv on.

<deleted>!!

it is a matter of respect. If her mother makes it clear you have no authority then why should she pay any attention to you?

how is your Thai coming along?

My thoughts exactly. I also wonder why he doesn't just turn off the TV. I used that quite effectively on my x-wife's nine year old brother. He didn't listen to anybody, including his mom who occasionally beat him with a wire hanger, but he listened to me. Drove his mom crazy when she told him to do something and he ignored her until I said "listen to your mom" and then he would get up and do it. Never did have to hit him any time other than when we were play fighting. Well, I take that back. I did make a rule that if any of the kids hit each other I would be the one that hit them back. The physical fighting stopped fairly quickly after that.

[Chonburiram]

It's not built in, you are too soft, that's all, beat the s**t out of him and he will thank you for it later, believe me I know what I'm speaking about...

not my kid, remember. and if i have to beat the crap out of him to get a point across then there is no point. thanks anyway.

It's not about "get a point across", it's just about beating the <deleted> out of him, something completely unreasonable.

[Richard4849]

Get out of the village. You can't outweigh the environment.

I think you have hit it on the head.

+1 spot on.

jb1

Seriously, you think this is a village problem? I see the same crap in the cities here.

This is true.

It happens everywhere when you willingly surround yourself by uneducated, uninteresting bumpkins -- whether in the city or the country.

You have chosen to be in the environment you are in; your kids are going to be a product of that environment.

You need to find a healthier, more stimulating one.

[thequietman]

Oh,,, OP.

I sympathise with you, I have inherited the laziest, good for nothing kid I have ever seen.

She is 11, won't listen to a word I say, (after living here for 3 years ).

Will not, cannot speak English, has no desire to learn, my wife doesn't push her in the slightest, so I end up being the "wrong un " for telling her to get off her fat arse and do something, other than waking up on a weekend and sitting and watching shitty thai TV all day long, with the occasional break for a piss and a bite to eat, there is nothing else.

She has no friends to speak of, the few that occasionally visit her are fed up watching TV and want to play on thier bikes etc, I bought her a bike a few years ago, a nice bike to 3000 baht.

She in 3 years, has been on it about 5 times , to lazy to play with her friends.

Dirty too, too lazy to do anything, just this morning I was doing a little weeding in the rock garden and she sat and looked, I asked her if I had missed any weeds, with that she promptly went indoors and swithched the tv on.

<deleted>!!

hi, last week he took a call on his mobile at 5:15 am. my wife and i are in the bedroom next to him. from when he wakes up, until he comes home from school, he is on his dam_n mobile. what can he possibly be talking about. its now 11:26 and he's still talking to someone. i have explained the (possible) dangers of using a mobile too much and he just ignores me. he's on that dam_n 1 hour, 1 baht with 12call. so he just hangs up at 59 mins and the other person calls him back.

guys, dont get me wrong. compared to the other lads his age in the village, he is an angel.

it just frustrates me that he sees what the rewards are if he works hard like myself, but he chooses not to. hes not spoilt by myself (intentionaly) i just want him to be successful and not just settle for what this country and this and every government will (not) offer him.

Christ there i go again, worrying and knowing fine well i am pissin against the win.

repeat to myself 5 times.......Mai pen rai, mai pen rai.... you are not gonna change anything......mai pen rai, mai pen rai.

Another beer me thinks.

[Geekfreaklover]

Get out of the village. You can't outweigh the environment.

I think you have hit it on the head.

Ditto.

Been there. Done that. Got my kids out and into the city, decent school.

[janverbeem]

Will not, cannot speak English, has no desire to learn

This is Thailand; how's your Thai coming along?

So you're suggesting that learning a language which enables them to communicate with people from outside their country borders is a waste of time for their future?

[thequietman]

get a girl without kid next time!

I am sorry to say you will be taking care of him and his children forever.Get out the sooner the better.

Nope, i have told both of the boys that the ground we have bought about 10 mins from my house is theres. thats where they will live. we have ground across the road from my house and that is a no no. i will help if they earn their own money. we will be planting teak trees in the next 3 years for mine and my wifes retirement plan. in about 23 years i will be ready for retirement and selling the teak trees will be the cash windfall.

i have told the boys once my wife and i cut the first batch, the seond batch is their retirement plan.

i and my wife are both agreed on this. we need to prepare for our old age and the boys will benefit from this and their kids and so on and so on. if they wanna f##k it up, up to them.

mai pen rai

[Geekfreaklover]

Will not, cannot speak English, has no desire to learn

This is Thailand; how's your Thai coming along?

So you're suggesting that learning a language which enables them to communicate with people from outside their country borders is a waste of time for their future?

Even worse is to suggest living in a country, in a family unit, where you haven't a clue what anyone around you is saying. That I could not live with.

Edited October 8, 2011 by Geekfreaklover

[janverbeem]

get a girl without kid next time!

I am sorry to say you will be taking care of him and his children forever.Get out the sooner the better.

Nope, i have told both of the boys that the ground we have bought about 10 mins from my house is theres. thats where they will live. we have ground across the road from my house and that is a no no. i will help if they earn their own money. we will be planting teak trees in the next 3 years for mine and my wifes retirement plan. in about 23 years i will be ready for retirement and selling the teak trees will be the cash windfall.

i have told the boys once my wife and i cut the first batch, the seond batch is their retirement plan.

i and my wife are both agreed on this. we need to prepare for our old age and the boys will benefit from this and their kids and so on and so on. if they wanna f##k it up, up to them.

mai pen rai

That is if you will be allowed by them to cut the first batch.I hope you have a retirement plan B

[janverbeem]

Will not, cannot speak English, has no desire to learn

This is Thailand; how's your Thai coming along?

So you're suggesting that learning a language which enables them to communicate with people from outside their country borders is a waste of time for their future?

Even worse is to suggest living in a country where you haven't a clue what anyone around you is saying. That I could not live with.

I didn't suggest that,I replied to the OP who has the best intentions to give them a chance on a decent future.

[Richard4849]

Will not, cannot speak English, has no desire to learn

This is Thailand; how's your Thai coming along?

So you're suggesting that learning a language which enables them to communicate with people from outside their country borders is a waste of time for their future?

No, but it sounded like you were unable to communicate with them in their own tongue in their own country -- and blaming them for it.

[thequietman]

get a girl without kid next time!

I am sorry to say you will be taking care of him and his children forever.Get out the sooner the better.

Nope, i have told both of the boys that the ground we have bought about 10 mins from my house is theres. thats where they will live. we have ground across the road from my house and that is a no no. i will help if they earn their own money. we will be planting teak trees in the next 3 years for mine and my wifes retirement plan. in about 23 years i will be ready for retirement and selling the teak trees will be the cash windfall.

i have told the boys once my wife and i cut the first batch, the seond batch is their retirement plan.

i and my wife are both agreed on this. we need to prepare for our old age and the boys will benefit from this and their kids and so on and so on. if they wanna f##k it up, up to them.

mai pen rai

That is if you will be allowed by them to cut the first batch.I hope you have a retirement plan B

hi, i know where you're going with this. its a trust thing, we are married. i have to plan for the future no matter what the out come, same in a western marriage..same here. i love her, she loves me (really) we will be together into old age..............unless I f$$k it up.

[paulian]

Bill Gates once said, " I believe that if you show people the problems and you show them the solutions they will be moved to act.". Bringing up a kid anywhere, especially at that age, is a hard task for anyone. I am against physical abuse as it has been proven hundreds of times it is a worthless method of child rearing. Perhaps, if you constantly keep telling him the benefits and rewards to himself and society of doing something the right way eventually you will probably change some of his bad habits and make him a better person for the future.

Edited October 8, 2011 by paulian

[DP25]

It may be a shock to some by children often hate their step parents even if the step parent has done nothing to them. Being a foreigner who can't speak or read the language doesn't help. And if the people around you view you as just a milk cow, that attitude might rub off

[IanForbes]

My daughter receives pocket money for cleaning once a week, my son appears to think it is his job to make sure she has work to do!

Sorry if I laugh, but that is oh so true.

I feel sorry for the OP, but it's the same old story all over again ... You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. You can't fight something that was ingrained from the start by his mother and others in the village. The Ignorant lead others with their wasteful ways and the children just follow with the easiest solution..

[Beetlejuice]

Hi thequietman, I have been through this with my stepson also, but with a twist, he insists in stealing anything and everything from all the family, he seems to think it's his right to help himself, after too many years trying to deal with it I simply said enough is enough and packed him off to gran. He's now banned from our house, which caused some problems with my wife, but she soon got over it.

My wife and I are moving to the city before our two year old boy starts school (International School), in an attempt to remove him from what we perceive as "The Village Attitude".

Wishing you all the best with a difficult situation.

There is an expectation from this young man that i am going to pay for his university tuition. for whatever reason, he feels that it is his right. i have told him to go work for a year and save up his wages. if he covers his miscellaneous expenses like rent and food, then i have agreed to help him. you should have seen his face !

he says he wil start work next year at a local hotel, i will stick by my promise. its unlikely he will deliver.

its important that my wife sees that i tried. its up to him now.

last i seen him he was cutting mother in laws garden with weed whacker. said machine was getting too hot, it needs to cool down. that was 2 hours ago and no sign of him.

just popped open a beer, its the only thing that keeps me sane and relaxed.

Then this is the reason that he has attitude with you.

You are not treating the boy as your son but more like you are some sort of distant Uncle who is making quite clear the point that you have no obligations to him.

In fact what is happening is that the boy is rebelling against you. He probably views you as someone that has taken the affections of his mother away from him and as an outsider that has replaced his beloved father. Even if the boy never really had a relationship with his father, you are certainly not proving as being any sort of substitute for a real father figure in his life, because a true parent child love relationship is unconditional, however much the child may in your book be misbehaving.

The actual bad environment is in your home and the situation that this child now suddenly finds himself in.

Using heavy-handed technics will not work and it appears that you know nothing about child psychology and have no understanding of his feelings or care.

No, sorry, but this is one child who has my full sympathy.

Edited October 8, 2011 by Beetlejuice

[KeyserSoze01]

Get out of the village. You can't outweigh the environment.

I think you have hit it on the head.

+1 spot on.

jb1

Seriously, you think this is a village problem? I see the same crap in the cities here.

Get out of Thailand perhaps.

Personally I think the problem is unequal parenting styles, you really need your wife to back you up or its like making water go uphill.

Nope, leaving Thailand is not the answer as the PC climate worldwide has made it a crime to discipline your children.

The problem lies in the fact that the children do not respect you or themselves, which manifests itself in a rebellious behavior as the kids believe they do not have to answer to anyone. Puts some teeth into the parental mandate and you will see a change in behavior.

[MEGALITHIC]

This is true.

It happens everywhere when you willingly surround yourself by uneducated, uninteresting bumpkins -- whether in the city or the country.

You have chosen to be in the environment you are in; your kids are going to be a product of that environment.

You need to find a healthier, more stimulating one.

This:

You are the outsider, not of them. They won't say it to you directly of course but in those quiet little gatherings they have in front of the local shop you'll be discussed and mentioned as the farang. The boy has probably overheard the conversations and quietly understands that you are different, tolerated but ultimately, not really accepted. It's all about respect and I'm sorry but you, just like many farang living in village situations all over the LOS, don't garner much from the locals. You're a novelty, something to keep them entertained until you tire of it all and move on.

[Monkeypants]

how is your Thai coming along?

Actually very good, I can hold a conversation in Thai, make jokes, and have Thai friends too.

I cannot read or write Thai, but this isn't what the topic is about is it ?

[onionluke]

How many of the parents on this thread have been called "farang" by their offspring or in law cares ? My son aged 3 had a difficult time when our family moved to the village up country , we were coming from Hong Kong . Very quickly after being enrolled in the village school/holding pen he started refering to me as " farang" . It became clear that was what they called him in the school and he got into a few fights and recieved a beating from his cousins. He had to deal with that every day and was fighting to be identified as Thai and that meant distancing himself from the farang and I believe he was honestly embarresed by his own father , and this needless to say was upsetting faither . He picked up the village dialect very quickly . We had to sit down on occasion and talk about this and to try and give him a diffrent perspective to the one he was forming . In the end we took him out of that rut of a place and enrolled him in a small school in the local town attended by the children of teachers doctors , police and so on . The change in enviroment made a noticable change in his outlook , It was a real school with lessons and books and games and he made some friends outside of his family circle . He still spends his free time running around the village and farms and is a happy wee 6 year old and calls me daddy/farang .

[MEGALITHIC]

how is your Thai coming along?

Actually very good, I can hold a conversation in Thai, make jokes, and have Thai friends too.

I cannot read or write Thai, but this isn't what the topic is about is it ?

This:

Much is made of the ability to speak, or not speak, Thai by many resident farang who think that by doing so they've elevated themselves some special level of acceptance in this country we choose to live in. They often, rather naively, sneer at others who deem haven't made the grade. I suppose in the overall scheme of things, a good knowledge of the language, it does help in the integration process. But let's be honest about this; if you live in a village situation, and you speak Thai fluently, what are really going to talk about that's going to stimulate your mental faculties? The next meal, grandpa needs lao khao, the upcoming weekends football games, the previous weekends football results, the neighbours 18 year daughter going down to Pattaya on her own. Hardly high brow stuff is it. In country where the majority of citizens don't know which compass bearing their neighboring states are on the ability to speak Thai fluently aint that big of a deal folks.

And this:

Living in one of these villages is almost akin to stepping back in time. I know, I've been there. You're interacting with a fatalistic mindset, one that sees the world as in a state of destiny. So and so's 17 year old son was killed in a high speed motor bike accident. Mai bpen rai, that was his destiny. He died because he was supposed to. Yes, shall we have some som tam for lunch? You, the farang, will never win against this centuries ingrained accepted view of life. To keep resisting it only wears you down both physically and mentally. Let the mother of your stepson deal with him in all matters. For the sake of your mental well being take care of your own needs and be yourself; a farang, because they aint gonna see you as anything different. You're not Thai and never will be. I lived in a village situation for 2 years and this what i did, I built an outdoor gym and worked out nearly every day. Within a short space of time I had a few of the local kids working out with me. that is how I gained respect; I was the guy that could do, and knew, something no one else in the village knew or could do. Not only that the kids were improving their health and gaining knowledge about something other than the little world they lived in.

[welsh1]

get a girl without kid next time!

+1