by George Carlin, from the book of the topic title> A canadian comic

Eat a box of Cookies.

Did you ever eat a whole box of cookies right in a row? Did you ever do that? I don't mean take them into your bedroom or something. I mean open them right up in the kitchen as soon as you get home from the store and eat 'em while you're standing there? Just stare at the toaster while you're eating a hole goddam.n box of cookies? Did you ever do that? Isn't it great?

And did you ever notice that printed right on the cookie box it says, "Open here" ? Well, what did they think I was gonna do? Move to Hong Kong to open up their fuc.kin' cookies? of course I'm gonna open 'em here. I'm gonna eat 'em here, I'd almost have to open 'em here. Thank God it doesn't say, "Open somewhere else." I'd be up all night tryin' to figure out an appropriate location.

I don't lkike porno movies. They pis.s me off. First, they show a great looking naked woman who starts playing with herself. And while I'm watching, she sort of becomes my girlfriend. And then, suddenly, in walks a guy with a big dic.k, and he starts fuc.king my girlfriend. It pis.ses me off.

London Police fired warning shots over the heads of riotors today.

Unfortunately, they killed six members of the Royal family watching from a balcony

With any kind of car, just opening the drivers door and getting in involves a certain amount of risk. Have you noticed that? The terrific way they designed cars so the drivers door opens right out into the middle of the goddarn traffic? jesus! About the only intelligent thing the British ever did was putting that drivers seat right over there near the curb where it belongs. Of course, then they went and moved the curb to the wrong side of the door.

And so much more....

(Kayo, Carlin's from New York)

Mexican bandit

The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexican

with a 6 shooter jumped out from behind a cactus.

"Take my money, my car but don't kill me", said the tourist.

"I no kill you if you do what I say," said the Mexican.

"Just unzip your pants and start masturbating," he ordered.

Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. "Right, now

do it again" said the Mexican.

The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed

again.

"And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead."

With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effort

and fell exhausted.

"Good" said the Mexican, "now you give my sister a ride to the

next village."

Breaking Up...

The fellas might find this amusing... you gotta read the whole lot to appreciate his answer.

Apparently going around NY at the moment. 1st is a girl's apology email for cheating on some bloke. 2nd is his reply which was Bcc'd to his entire address book.

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something.

The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and you would be correct.

I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken wh#res I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't <deleted> him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New Jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finnger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,

Brad

ROTLFLMAO.... You think the guy will let me copy some parts next time the occasion arises...???

I was informed of G.Carlin by a canadian. I didn´t know he was american.

Makes sense though. I´ve been readin that book most of the morning, and it is absolutely hilarious.

Lenny Bruce.

chow, what about lenny bruce?

Here´s another from Carlin

Euphanmistic Bullsh.it

How words have changed over a generation:

When I was a little boy, if I got sick, I went to a doctor, who sent me to a hospital, to be treated by other doctors.

Now, I go to a "family practitioner" who send me to a "health maintenace organisation" to be treated by other "health-care delivery professionals"....

Whenever they say that somebody got hit by a "stray" bullet, I wonder about the choice of words. It seems to me the bullet isn´t so stray at all. It´s doing exactly what physics predicts: Travelling in a straight line. What´s to stray about that? 

Further more, let´s account for wind factor, and say, pardon the pun, that it does stray off the path... Well, it´s still not stray, is it? I mean, of all the air and open space it could hit, no! It goes straight for the poor farmer across yonder field.

What´s so stray about that?

Here´s some fun: Go into a photography shop and ask the man if you can buy the pictures of the other people in the display window they always have. Say, "how much for that fat grinning couple?" I guarantee the man will stare at you a long time. In fact, he might even back up several feet...

ROTLFLMAO.... You think the guy will let me copy some parts next time the occasion arises...???

I was informed of G.Carlin by a canadian. I didn´t know he was american.

Makes sense though. I´ve been readin that book most of the morning, and it is absolutely hilarious.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You have discovered the man who taught me all I need to know about the world. I have been listening to him since I was five, no joke. Him, Richard Pryor, and Lenny Bruce are the Holy Trinity of Comedy.

That's cool bebop. Good cast of characters.

Hey quesiton for you... Who is SPB, that you use in your sign. ?

That's cool bebop. Good cast of characters.

Hey quesiton for you... Who is SPB, that you use in your sign. ?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well....that's me. I was afraid people might think me arrogant if I made a point of saying that it was me. So, I used my initials so people would think I was quoting someone else. Don't wanna be seen as a pirck unless I am in the mood.

That's cool bebop. Good cast of characters.

Hey quesiton for you... Who is SPB, that you use in your sign. ?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well....that's me. I was afraid people might think me arrogant if I made a point of saying that it was me. So, I used my initials so people would think I was quoting someone else. Don't wanna be seen as a pirck unless I am in the mood.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Arrogant basta.rd

heheheh i read the last line wrong...

"don´t want to be seen as a prick unless I am a mod....

That's cool bebop. Good cast of characters.

Hey quesiton for you... Who is SPB, that you use in your sign. ?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well....that's me. I was afraid people might think me arrogant if I made a point of saying that it was me. So, I used my initials so people would think I was quoting someone else. Don't wanna be seen as a pirck unless I am in the mood.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Arrogant basta.rd

heheheh i read the last line wrong...

"don´t want to be seen as a prick unless I am a mod....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

May I be protected from such a fate.

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son.

The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going

blue in the face The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter

and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business

suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of

coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup

down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up

from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the

boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and

then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and

coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father

and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the

father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've

never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son.

The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going

blue in the face The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter

and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business

suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of

coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup

down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up

from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the

boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and

then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and

coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father

and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the

father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've

never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney". 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>