How To Make Up After A Row

[Axel]

Dear Audrey:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our

"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left Bangkok

I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little

boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to

me, guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a

lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about

looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of

us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey."

I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're

not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Soi Cowboy and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent swimming in the Klongs can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Small but firm jugs you wouldn't believe

and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives.

It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at.

Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than

my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought

of that before. I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after finished, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?"

It wasn't just her flawless technique or her sluttish, shameless hunger, but something else.

Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it

hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch.

Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus,

Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Lek, that waitress we met at our favorite Italian restaurant on Sukhumvit last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of

wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom.

And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you

know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or

her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots

that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the

floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot,

but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey

ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years,

and we never used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, her sister drops by. I mean, Nut's just a kid and all, but she's

got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me

during this painful time.

She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general.

She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is. So we're

drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage

girl without all the hang ups you have and all I can do is think of how much she

looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Nut's really into trying out everything and that gets me

to thinking about how many times I pressured you about doing something else than missionary and that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm in Nut all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please please please let me know, otherwise, can you

tell me where the UBC remote control is.

[A. BOOZER]

The Rules by Men

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules

from the male side. These are "OUR" rules! And they're all numbered "1"

ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it

down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining

about you leaving it down.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

commercials.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the

tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it

that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do

not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say

it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's

what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In

fact! all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us

to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways

makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it

done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it

yourself.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,

for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have

no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like

nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer

you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking - unless you are prepared to discuss

such topics as baseball, sports, the shotgun formation, or monster

trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch

tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping

[dr_Pat_Pong]

They all sound somewhat familiar.