Inlaw Advice

[farangme]

Good intentions gone awry.

Took in the sister in law and kids when they needed help. Happy to do so. SIL just married to a young farang. Cool. Problem is the SIL and hubby seem to think the good will is an unlimited free ride of free rent, auto usage, etc.

What's the Thai thought process here? Endless free ride for family? Family can stay as long as 'needed'?

After some blowouts, my generosity has run dry. I'm to the point of 'they're outta here or we're selling it all.'

Any suggestions of jai yen and why? Or tell them to GTFO? Just looking to see if I'm missing a cultural perspective vs. lazy freeloaders. Not interested in their pittance rent offerings. Want a peaceful abode back. What's the pecking order of telling the younger sister to hit the road? If a diplomatic solution is available great, if not...

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[likewise]

who does your wife feel about it ? She could tell the SIL to leave, you could tell the farang free loader that he needs to GTFO

Edited November 8, 2012 by likewise

[mauGR1]

If communication is not an issue, why don't you tell the SIL and hubby that you need your space ?

Don't need to be inpolite, just tell them ASAP.

Or you think this is going to affect your marriage ?

[macksview]

why is not the SIL new beau providing for his instant family, i can understand taking in the SIL and kids when they are desperate, but now she has a farang it surely is his responsibility, find out their plans and give yourself a time frame to work with.

ask their plans, that should give them a hint to get themselves organised.

[farangme]

Wife is taking a passive, what can I do approach. She let's me play the heavy. I've made my feelings clear. At first I was cool, but their plans seem to include our house and car as a gimme as long as it suits them. Hence my growing displeasure. SIL also uses the MIL as a free live-in nanny, hence 'does mom have to go to'? My response, up to her, not my problem.

As for the hubby, nice guy, but young with no resources. SIL went with the 'want to <deleted>', not the 'want to fleece' type. Again my response, up to her, not my problem.

Helping out is one thing, permanent support for extended family isn't happening.

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[BigJohnnyBKK]

Yes, it's your wife's feelings on the matter, and if she wants to be big-faced about it, then your willingness to take a hard line with her that are the keys here, not what we all think based on our own relationships and philosophies.

Edited November 8, 2012 by BigJohnnyBKK

[cheechoo]

Yes, it's your wife's feelings on the matter, and if she wants to be big-faced about it, then your willingness to take a hard line with her that are the keys here, not what we all think based on our own relationships and philosophies.

WOT?

[farangme]

SIL wants to leave the kids with us while she goes to stay in farangland. Again, ain't happening. What gets me most is noone consulted us regarding a plan and what was ok. Putting kids in the middle is total BS.

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[farang000999]

So the farang is living off you as well? what is his TV nick?

[farangme]

Yes, it's your wife's feelings on the matter, and if she wants to be big-faced about it, then your willingness to take a hard line with her that are the keys here, not what we all think based on our own relationships and philosophies.

Are you saying to make it her job to give them the boot? Or, its up to her what she wants?

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[cooked]

I know the feeling, 'Darling, is family, cannot do'.

I did eventually make my feelings known when I threw some stuff out of the window when I couldn't even sit on the floor with all their junk spread about. Mind you I have an obedient wife, she had to decide between me and them.

Anyway your using the expression BS makes me lose interest in your problem, just flashed up. Sorry, I am prejudiced to hell that way.

[farangme]

So the farang is living off you as well? what is his TV nick?

Nick unknown.

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[farang000999]

Does he have a job?

[farangme]

I know the feeling, 'Darling, is family, cannot do'.

I did eventually make my feelings known when I threw some stuff out of the window when I couldn't even sit on the floor with all their junk spread about. Mind you I have an obedient wife, she had to decide between me and them.

Anyway your using the expression BS makes me lose interest in your problem, just flashed up. Sorry, I am prejudiced to hell that way.

Sorry, but someone using their kids to manipulate a situation is BS. Sorry, but I'm prejudiced that way. I didn't get her sister pregnant with a Thai guy loser that dumped her. Can't save the whole village.

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[macksview]

take over looking after the children while she swans off to the farangs homeland, he has no resources, sorry but how could they even raise leaving the kids with you?, but you are being taken for a ride, sit him down tell him to grow up and explain what he is going to do about supporting the instant family.

play the heavy, explain it to the wife what you are doing, what would you do if the new beau was a thai man, leeching off you and your wife?

put them on the bus to pattaya, she can work, he can sell time share and the kids can sell flowers up walking street.

Edited November 8, 2012 by macksview

[farangme]

Does he have a job?

Yes, back in his country. But not good enough for her desired level of living conditions. Her choice.

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[Ohyesuare]

I would throw them all out if they are taking advantage and not appreciative. If the wife has a problem with it she can go with them.

[Pormax]

You should have been firm from the very start.

It is your wife's sister. Tell her to sort it out or your'e off.

If you do it you will be the bad Farang.

Meanwhile hide the keys for your car and if they ask for them, say you are willing to rent it to them plus fuel costs.

Or if they just use you as their taxi then charge them to cover your running costs and fuel.

Meanwhile the children are not your problem they have to take responsibility for them.

Saying that if SIL is willing to go to farang land without them then she is not much of a Mother.

You have let this go on too long and it will not be easy now to sort out.

[farangme]

I would throw them all out if they are taking advantage and not appreciative. If the wife has a problem with it she can go with them.

Things seem to be heading that way. Trying to avoid throwing ten years down the toilet over inlaws. Frickin' ridiculous.

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[BigJohnnyBKK]

Yes, it's your wife's feelings on the matter, and if she wants to be big-faced about it, then your willingness to take a hard line with her that are the keys here, not what we all think based on our own relationships and philosophies.

Are you saying to make it her job to give them the boot? Or, its up to her what she wants?

Neither, but certainly not the former.

The latter is up to your attitude.

If it's very important to her to continue to support the freeloaders, then are you willing to put your relationship on the line over that issue?

Personally I'm ready to walk at a moment's notice, my way or the highway about any issue of importance to me, but most guys aren't willing to do what it takes to continue to operate that way over the long term.

If she's happy to let you take the lead and toss them out then problem solved, do it.

If she wants to support them and you're willing to toss her out along with them, then problem solved, do it.

But if she's going to put up a fuss, and you want to keep her, then you've got some negotiating to do, and none of us can help you with all the unknown factors there.

[loong]

SIL wants to leave the kids with us while she goes to stay in farangland. Again, ain't happening. What gets me most is noone consulted us regarding a plan and what was ok. Putting kids in the middle is total BS.

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If he has no re resources, she may find it difficult to get a visa.

Tell him that enough is enough, he's overstayed his welcome and it's up to him, not you to support his new family. Suggest that they move in with MIL and then they will have a babysitter 24/7

[transam]

Afraid it looks like you are the ''millionaire'' farang here and your mrs is showing ''show''. YOU must get a grip and tell them to move on with THEIR life and not milk yours. Face the farang and tell him to bugger off and there is NO WAY you are taking care of HER kids cos she wants to go to a place where the streets are paved with gold.

[h90]

be very friendly and charming to your SIL. Your wife will think you like her and will kick her out immediately.

Or speak about how handsome the guy is, both your wife and SIL will protect their walking ATMs and you are rid of the guests...

[BigJohnnyBKK]

Actually taking care of their kids might be something you and your wife voluntarily choose to do, it's a very rewarding experience if you enjoy kids, and may satisfy her clucky urges without having to spawn your own.

Such arrangements are pretty normal here even though our cultures labels it as "irresponsible" the "it takes a village" approach often actually works out better than the isolated nuclear or even worse poor single mum scenario so prevalent back home.

But of course they should contribute to the financial support. . .

[transam]

Actually taking care of their kids might be something you and your wife voluntarily choose to do, it's a very rewarding experience if you enjoy kids, and may satisfy her clucky urges without having to spawn your own.

Such arrangements are pretty normal here even though our cultures labels it as "irresponsible" the "it takes a village" approach often actually works out better than the isolated nuclear or even worse poor single mum scenario so prevalent back home.

But of course they should contribute to the financial support. . .

So would YOU take care of someone else's kids ?.

[Trembly]

I can provide you with a Thai perspective :

As the chief breadwinner you are actually the leader of the household. Do you realise this? They're expecting leadership from you although they may be keeping quiet about it along the lines of naughty students who aren't going to stop using their phones in class even though the teacher can see because the teacher hasn't said anything about it ("why hasn't he said anything about it? I don't know, but who cares . . . lets just keep playing"). From the snippet concerning your wife's reaction to you I think she is saying "what are you asking me for? She's my sister, and anyway you're supposed to be in charge".

Sit them down and put together a realistic action plan to get them out of the house without them going out of the pan and into the fire. Be genial, but don't take any nonsense. Think of it as a business negotiation. A lot of foreigners think that Thais bottle things up all the time and then eventually blow up all the time. Wrong. Mature Thais let it out gradually, subtly, in passing or in jest whenever the opportunity arises.

It reinforces the message and gives people a chance to react without losing face. Those concerned know what's what.

Getting them in for multiple follow up meetings on how the moving-out plan is going to reiterate to them that they're on the way out and that is something that they have no control over. They can leave nicely or . . .

The only thing that they can have control over is just how they end up leaving you and your wife.

You need to manage expectations. Need the car for a job interview? Fine. Joyrides? Social visits? No, they can't afford to pay for the fuel and anyway you might need the car. Shopping trips? If it's convenient for you, maybe. etc.

That would be the text-book Thai gentleman's way of doing it.

Edited November 8, 2012 by Trembly

[BigJohnnyBKK]

So would YOU take care of someone else's kids ?.

Story of my life, two sets now for a total of 38 years and wouldn't change a thing even if I could.

Just started on the final batch and these are my own spawn, hope I can hold out until they can make it on their own. Turning out pretty good so far, practice makes perfect!

The first batch had their own spawn for some time now, so my grandkids are older than my current crop, then you get the girlfriends or whatever you want to call them, we're a pretty mixed lot I'll admit it.

My mum gave up on keeping track of birthdays a long time ago. . .

[transam]

So would YOU take care of someone else's kids ?.

Story of my life, two sets now for a total of 38 years and wouldn't change a thing even if I could.

Just started on the final batch and these are my own spawn, hope I can hold out until they can make it on their own. Turning out pretty good so far, practice makes perfect!

The first batch had their own spawn for some time now, so my grandkids are older than my current crop, then you get the girlfriends or whatever you want to call them, we're a pretty mixed lot I'll admit it.

My mum gave up on keeping track of birthdays a long time ago. . .

Your mum has sense.

[Hssl]

Where are you based?

Where are the family from?

[antpet]

Good luck.