Subject: Jimmy and the Teacher

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to

have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."Wee Jimmy (a typical Scottish skally wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me.'' Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country? 'Wee Jimmy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy" Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960." Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday. "The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jimmy is even more determined. Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea.

But we will never surrender?' "Wee Jimmy's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know, Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday

and come back to class on Tuesday." The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jimmy is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation. Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?" Wee Jimmy's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!" Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert. "Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing." Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday" Wee Jimmy is raging and loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur fuc_ks sake, where did all these English bastards come from?" Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said

that?"Wee Jimmy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door and states,"Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See youse on fuk'in Tuesday!!"

Teacher asked the class to give an sentence with the word 'contagious'

Lucy was first to answer 'My cousin is in hospital but mummy says we shouldnt visit because what she has is contagious'

Very good says the teacher,

Jittle Jimmy had been jumping up and down saying "me miss, me'

OK Jimmy go ahead.

We were coming home in the car yesterday and we saw our neighbour painting his big fence with a very small brush and Dad said :

Look at the size brush he's using it will take that contagious to paint that fence.

Another version of the origional

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult –

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "fzck the Japs."

"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? She angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh--! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh--, We're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The Australian people, when Gillard was elected, August 2010."

And the other version ends with Jimmy rolling two black balls down the isle towards the teacher .... she says who's got black balls .... Jimmy says Sammy Davis Junior Miss bye bye