The Verdict Is Yours

[vinny]

The verdict is yours

ROGER CRUTCHLEY

The other day I caught the end of an old Perry Mason courtroom drama and once again Perry got his man, the real villain breaking down in tears under clever cross-examination while prosecuting counsel Hamilton Burger looked on in despair. Watching the series on TV as a kid back in prehistoric times, I often used to wonder how Burger managed to keep his job for he seemed to lose every case he prosecuted. This also meant that the Californian cops were similarly adept at arresting the wrong person.

Courtroom dramas have probably been the most reliable TV and cinema fare for many years. There's something about the verbal jousting between the prosecution and defence that whets the appetite. They're so bloody clever.

We tend to forget that in real life the lawyers presenting cases are not all Perry Masons and what is meant to be a witty or incisive question does not always come out that way. In fact, at times, it can be quite embarrassing. Consider some of the following exchanges taken from US court records, which appear in the book Disorder in the American Courts:

It is not surprising that one witness looked baffled when he was asked the penetrating question: "Were you alone or by yourself?" The following query also prompted a blank look: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?" And how are you supposed to answer: "Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?"

Also prompting some mirth was the following exchange:

Attorney: "What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?" Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?"'

Attorney: "And why did that upset you?

Witness: "My name is Susan."

Silence in court

Of course, many witnesses aren't exactly rocket scientists and you can get some rather entertaining responses to lawyers' questions. One individual was asked: "What is your IQ?" After a slight pause, the witness replied: "Well, I can see pretty well."

In a motor-accident case a young driver was asked: "What gear were you in at the moment of impact?" He answered: "Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks."

Another witness, who kept answering by just nodding his head, was told: "All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?" "Oral" came the reply.

One female witness prompted some laughter in the courtroom when, in response to the question "Are you sexually active?", she responded "No. I just lie there."

Then there was the individual who was asked: "Mrs Jones, is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to your attorney?" A puzzled Mrs Jones replied: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

Ask a stupid question ...

Perhaps the most satisfying moments are when lawyers are put in their place for asking really daft questions.

A witness was asked: "Could you see him from where you were standing?" The witness replied: "I could see his head." The counsel then enquired: "And where was his head?". To which the witness responded: "Just above his shoulders."

In a similar vein, a witness was asked the location of an accident. "Milepost 499," he said. The lawyer followed through with, "And where is milepost 499?" The witness responded, "Probably between mileposts 498 and 500."

Then there was the attorney who asked: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?" The witness replied helpfully: "The victim lived."

One doctor was asked: " Do you recall the time you examined the body of Mr Edington?" He replied: "The autopsy began about 8:30pm." The counsel returned with: "And Mr Edington was dead at the time?"

The frustrated doctor responded: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!"

Closing in for the kill

A final word from a coroner who was being cross-examined by a far too clever defence attorney. "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?", the lawyer asked. "No," the coroner admitted. The attorney then asked: "Did you listen for a heartbeat?" "No," came the reply. "Did you check for breathing?" Still the answer was "no".

Sensing he was about to uncover gross incompetence, the attorney looked over at the jury before stating, triumphantly: "So, when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner sighed: "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be practising law somewhere."

Contact PostScript by email at [email protected]

[bartender100]

Great peice by Crotch,thanks for posting it here,.

[John_Betong]

also from the same book...

q: : What is your date of birth?

a: : July fifteenth.

q: : What year?

a: : Every year.

q: : This myasthenia gravis... Does it affect your memory at all?

a: : Yes.

q: : And in what ways does it affect your memory?

a: : I forget.

q: : You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

q: : she had three children, right?

a: : yes.

q: : how many were boys?

a: : none.

q: : were there any girls?

q: : how was your first marriage terminated?

a: : by death.

q: : and by whose death was it terminated?

q: : now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

a: : did you actually pass the bar exam?

q: : the youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

q: : How old is your son - the one living with you.

a: : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

q: : How long has he lived with you?

a: : Forty-five years.

q: : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involvedin voodoo or the occult?

a: : We both do.

q: : Voodoo?

a: : We do.

q: : You do?

a: : Yes, voodoo.

q: : Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

a: : Yes.

q: : Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

a: : Yes, sir.

q: : What did she say?

a: : What disco am I at?

q: : Were you present when your picture was taken?

q: : Did he kill you?

q: : How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

q: : You were there until the time you left, is that true?

q: : How many times have you committed suicide?

q: : So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

a: : Yes.

q: : And what were you doing at that time?

q: : You say the stairs went down to the basement?

a: : Yes.

q: : And these stairs, did they go up also?

q: : Can you describe the individual?

a: : He was about medium height and had a beard.

q: : Was this a male, or a female?

q: : Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

a: : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

q: : All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

a: : Oral.

q: : You were not shot in the fracas?

a: : No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

q: : What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?

a: : There were traces of semen.

q: : Male semen?

a: : That's the only kind I know of.

q: : So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it,what did you observe with respect to your scalp?

a: : I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.

q: : It was covered?

a: : Yes. Bandaged.

q: : Then, later on, what did you see?

a: : I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

q: : Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."

a: : "I swear by Almighty God."

q: : "That the evidence that I give..."

a: : That's right.

q: : Repeat it.

a: : "Repeat it".

q: : No! Repeat what I said.

a: : What you said when?

q: : "That the evidence that I give..."

a: : "That the evidence that I give."

q: : "Shall be the truth and..."

a: : It will, and nothing but the truth!

q: : Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."

a: : I'm not a scholar, you know.

q: : We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."

a: : "Shall be the truth and."

q: : Say: "Nothing...".

a: : Okay. (Witness remains silent.)

q: : No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."

a: : Yes.

q: : Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?

a: : Yes.

q: : Well? Do so.

a: : You're confusing me.

q: : Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".

a: : Okay. I understand.

q: : Then say it.

a: : What?

q: : "Nothing but the truth..."

a: : But I do! That's just it.

q: : You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."

a: : I WILL say nothing but the truth!

q: : Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".

a: : What? You mean, like, now?

q: : Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.

a: : "Nothing. But. The. Truth."

q: : Thank you.

a: : I'm just not a scholar.

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.

q: : How far away he was from the accident.

a: : The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."

q: : What? How come you are so sure of that distance?

a: : Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!

q: : On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?

a: : I did.

q: : And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?

a: : I did.

q: : And did you observe anything?

a: : I did. (Witness remains silent.)

q: : Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?

a: : I saw George.

q: : You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?

a: : Yes.

q: : Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?

a: : Yes. (Witness remains silent.)

q: : Well, would you kindly do so?

a: : He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.

q: : His "thing"?

a: : You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.

q: : You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?

a: : Yes.

q: : Did you say anything to him?

a: : Of course I did!

q: : What did you say to him?

a: : "Morning, George"

Edited March 19, 2006 by John_Betong

[vinny]

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