The Private Eye - Van Der Merwe

I was sitting in my office when a case came in.

So I finished two bottles from it.

I was tough, so tough I wore my clothes out from the inside.

Suddenly a tall blonde walked past my window.

I knew she was tall, because I was on the second floor.

The phone rang and I knew something was wrong.

I didn't have a phone.

It was a girl and she was in trouble.

I knew she was, 'cause she said so.

I raced down the stairs and called a cab.

The cab stopped with a jerk.

Then the jerk got out and I got in.

We took the corner at hundred kilometers per hour,

but a cop stopped us and told us to put the corner back.

We kept on the pavement, because there was a sign

that said:"Keep Death Off Our Roads".

Then we were out of the city.

I knew it, because we were not hitting so many pedestrians.

As we came to her house, she greeted me with a burning kiss.

Then she took the cigarette out and kissed me again.

She pointed two thirty-eights at me.

She also had a gun.

She had the most beautiful blonde hair I have ever seen -

hanging from her left nostril.

She had teeth like the ten commandments -

all broken.

She also had the most beautiful eyes -

so beautiful that the one eye could

not stop looking at the other one.

There was a man on the floor. He had stab wounds in

his heart, bullet wounds in his head and his wrists were

slashed.

He was dead.

I said: "Lady, if this man was alive, he sure would be ill".

So I took her for a drive to calm her nerves.

Suddenly a brick came flying through the window and hit

her on the left breast -

breaking three of my fingers.

We had a flat tyre, so I pumped and she pumped and I pumped.

Then we got out and fixed the flat tyre.

Then I took her home and as I was kissing her goodnight,

her father opened the door

and stepped on my back, almost breaking it.

As I was giving her a final good-night kiss,

she closed her legs and broke my nose.

Now I am more careful on my assignments.