Should you accept her Children as part of the package?

[umbanda]

What is Paradise for somebody ...may be Hell for others....The only thing that may be valid and apply for everything and for everybody is that all have to be planned and agreed before decisions and risk are taken ...but....What warranty we have that any "agreement" will be respected?..

I will balance everything..and look in every "option" available.....

[seajae]

sorry guys but what happened to honesty in a relationship, how in the hell can you trust someone that has hidden the truth from you for 3 months then when you declare your feelings you are told you have to accept and pay for them. Lets be honest here, a relationship is based(should be) on love, trust and honesty, the last 2 are missing totally from this, my wife has a daugher that I knew about from the start and I accepted her as part of my marriage to her mother. It is only natural to accept the kids as a part of it but it needs to be in the open from the beginning, if the kids spend time with their father then he should be paying their way as well, its not up to the new man to totally support them because their father is a tight arse. My wife pays most of the money needed for her daughter because as she says, it is her responsibility, I chip in as well whenever she lets me though as I consider her a part of my family, the husband/father did a runner when he found out she was pregnant and they have never heard from him since, different kettle of fish.

This farang has to decide if he is capable of accepting them, especially seeing he has never met them, they might hate his guts and treat him like shit, he also has to decide if he can pay for their fathers parental rights without him helping at all, he has to decide if he can trust this woman to be honest with him in the future or if she is just using him as their cash cow to support her and her kids. There is a lot more here than simply the kids, how much does she actually love him if she never told him about them and is offering no choice in the matter, sounds more like she has hooked herself someone that she can use, I would be extremeley doubtful of her and her motives. better to quit now(if her has doubts) and avoid more heartache and financial loss in the future. Tell her the truth, she should have been honest from the start, their father has responsibilities as does she towards them and that until such time that he feels they are a part of his family they are their responsibility but that he will pay the overheads but not for everything else they want, that is hers and their fathers job, if she doesnt like it he should leave.

[Neeranam]

Shame on a Cop not taking responsibility for his kids. Pathetic.

Yep especially if marriage comes along, her kids are part of the deal. Hopefully they are little angels.

Why the hell should he if his ex wife finds stupid farang to do it?

It makes absolutely no sense to get hitched to a Thai woman in her 30s with kids. Love, my arse.

Edited March 16, 2014 by Neeranam

[larsjohnsson]

sorry guys but what happened to honesty in a relationship, how in the hell can you trust someone that has hidden the truth from you for 3 months then when you declare your feelings you are told you have to accept and pay for them. Lets be honest here, a relationship is based(should be) on love, trust and honesty, the last 2 are missing totally from this, my wife has a daugher that I knew about from the start and I accepted her as part of my marriage to her mother. It is only natural to accept the kids as a part of it but it needs to be in the open from the beginning, if the kids spend time with their father then he should be paying their way as well, its not up to the new man to totally support them because their father is a tight arse. My wife pays most of the money needed for her daughter because as she says, it is her responsibility, I chip in as well whenever she lets me though as I consider her a part of my family, the husband/father did a runner when he found out she was pregnant and they have never heard from him since, different kettle of fish.

This farang has to decide if he is capable of accepting them, especially seeing he has never met them, they might hate his guts and treat him like shit, he also has to decide if he can pay for their fathers parental rights without him helping at all, he has to decide if he can trust this woman to be honest with him in the future or if she is just using him as their cash cow to support her and her kids. There is a lot more here than simply the kids, how much does she actually love him if she never told him about them and is offering no choice in the matter, sounds more like she has hooked herself someone that she can use, I would be extremeley doubtful of her and her motives. better to quit now(if her has doubts) and avoid more heartache and financial loss in the future. Tell her the truth, she should have been honest from the start, their father has responsibilities as does she towards them and that until such time that he feels they are a part of his family they are their responsibility but that he will pay the overheads but not for everything else they want, that is hers and their fathers job, if she doesnt like it he should leave.

Yes she could/should have told him. But to be fair, it was after 3 months internet chat. Not after 3 months since she meet him. Nobody will tell you everything or the full truth on an internet dating site.

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[larsjohnsson]

I also think it's rather funny when he already start to talk about having a relationship. And that they love each other. The have seen each other one time in real life.....

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[Sheryl]

Not only are children that age always a "part of the package" but if he does not think he could come to love (love -- not simply tolerate) these children then he should end the relationship now, for everyone's sake.

He is looking at becoming in effect a stepfather, even if legal marriage is not contemplated. And these children are young enough that a poor relationship with him/lack of affection from him could have a lifelong negative effect on them.

Who pays for what in the household is a slightly other matter and up to him, her (and the ex) to sort out. but if he cannot see his way towards being a father to these children in the fullest sense of the word he is doing everyone, including himself. a disservice in staying in this relationship.

[Thai at Heart]

sorry guys but what happened to honesty in a relationship, how in the hell can you trust someone that has hidden the truth from you for 3 months then when you declare your feelings you are told you have to accept and pay for them. Lets be honest here, a relationship is based(should be) on love, trust and honesty, the last 2 are missing totally from this, my wife has a daugher that I knew about from the start and I accepted her as part of my marriage to her mother. It is only natural to accept the kids as a part of it but it needs to be in the open from the beginning, if the kids spend time with their father then he should be paying their way as well, its not up to the new man to totally support them because their father is a tight arse. My wife pays most of the money needed for her daughter because as she says, it is her responsibility, I chip in as well whenever she lets me though as I consider her a part of my family, the husband/father did a runner when he found out she was pregnant and they have never heard from him since, different kettle of fish.

This farang has to decide if he is capable of accepting them, especially seeing he has never met them, they might hate his guts and treat him like shit, he also has to decide if he can pay for their fathers parental rights without him helping at all, he has to decide if he can trust this woman to be honest with him in the future or if she is just using him as their cash cow to support her and her kids. There is a lot more here than simply the kids, how much does she actually love him if she never told him about them and is offering no choice in the matter, sounds more like she has hooked herself someone that she can use, I would be extremeley doubtful of her and her motives. better to quit now(if her has doubts) and avoid more heartache and financial loss in the future. Tell her the truth, she should have been honest from the start, their father has responsibilities as does she towards them and that until such time that he feels they are a part of his family they are their responsibility but that he will pay the overheads but not for everything else they want, that is hers and their fathers job, if she doesnt like it he should leave.

Yes she could/should have told him. But to be fair, it was after 3 months internet chat. Not after 3 months since she meet him. Nobody will tell you everything or the full truth on an internet dating site.

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Well people don't start falling in love on the internet in a serious manner.

He barely knows her from Adam in reality.

[Showbags]

It's always a 'friend' isn't it.

You...I mean your friend, needs to realise the kids are at an age where her take it or leave it, is a good thing coming from her...if in fact she is genuine and cares and loves her kids without any conditions.......by the sounds, she did not send them off to be dumped with grandparents anywhere....so, take it or leave it....but the whole package needs to be considered.

This is after the stupidness of the whole situation is realised...met on internet, not even met the kids and considering taking on the whole kit n kaboodle.....seriously...you...your friend, needs to take a step back and think about it from her angle.....not to mention the possible issues down the track from a 'lower' sukhumvit copper.

[Seastallion]

I haven't read the responses yet....this is my first reaction; I agree with her. The whole package or nothing. It's not "love" if he doesn't accept her kids. They are, after all, a part of her.3 months before she opened up, so what. He still followed through and met her after the revelation.

Taking on kids has nothing to do with if the biological dad has financial input.....or is the relationship all about money?

In a way, it's sort of like reverse prostitution if a man calculates how much a relationship is going to cost him before deciding whether to enter the relationship. Love is above money.

[robblok]

Accepting the kids.. offcourse

Paying for the 100% while the lady did that before herself and now pockets the money .. no way.

Supporting them a bit while the lady supports them the most ... sure why not

[BookMan]

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I am divided on this one.. perviously i had a girl with a package and i took care of her kids it seemed natural. Now I am not so sure anymore as in this case the father is not paying a dime and the mother is telling the guy he is responsible for the kids. Does not feel rightt to me.

If the mom works and pays her own way and most things for the kids.. ok him paying a bit too.. no problem.. if now he has to pay everything while she keeps the money.. then no way.

So it kinda is in the details, if this means she wont pay a thing for the kids anymore and he will have too.. then i would not agree.

Besides cant be much as she can now pay for it with him being there the rent bills and such would be lower ect ect.

If he doesn't want to take on the kids, he should end it with her now, and find a woman WITHOUT KIDS.

But why does he have to take on the kids?

When they first started talking he didn't know she had kids. I agree with some other posters that this info should not have been withheld, but that aside, he is willing to pay for rent/food/utilities, and I'd expect other day to day stuff.

Sounds fair to me.. she has a job paid for the kids before why now all of a sudden does he have to pay it all. She is already winning by him paying part of the utilities and such.

It's a good point you make robblok about her business and ability to support her kids before. She must have enough coming through the business and topped up by whatever her ex gives her? Or maybe her hairdressing shop makes good money?

I don't believe she is talking about giving up her hairdressing/business and has told him she doesn't want to leave Thailand.

[BookMan]

It's always a 'friend' isn't it.

You...I mean your friend, needs to realise the kids are at an age where her take it or leave it, is a good thing coming from her...if in fact she is genuine and cares and loves her kids without any conditions.......by the sounds, she did not send them off to be dumped with grandparents anywhere....so, take it or leave it....but the whole package needs to be considered.

This is after the stupidness of the whole situation is realised...met on internet, not even met the kids and considering taking on the whole kit n kaboodle.....seriously...you...your friend, needs to take a step back and think about it from her angle.....not to mention the possible issues down the track from a 'lower' sukhumvit copper.

Showbags, it is not ME nor my GF. As you have actually met my GF in the flesh over one year ago (two years back?) AND she has no children this should convince you.

It is a friend's situation and it is a general question I am posing

Edited March 16, 2014 by BookMan

[Showbags]

It's always a 'friend' isn't it.

You...I mean your friend, needs to realise the kids are at an age where her take it or leave it, is a good thing coming from her...if in fact she is genuine and cares and loves her kids without any conditions.......by the sounds, she did not send them off to be dumped with grandparents anywhere....so, take it or leave it....but the whole package needs to be considered.

This is after the stupidness of the whole situation is realised...met on internet, not even met the kids and considering taking on the whole kit n kaboodle.....seriously...you...your friend, needs to take a step back and think about it from her angle.....not to mention the possible issues down the track from a 'lower' sukhumvit copper.

Showbags, it is not ME nor my GF. As you have actually met my GF in the flesh over one year ago (two years back?) AND she has no children this should convince you.

It is a friend's situation and it is a general question I am posing

Excuse me ....We've met ??

[transam]

Even a bird with a small business and kids can borrow, borrow, borrow cash. In the end there is only one way out with the debt, farang "millionaire". Mrs.Trans had a call from a long lost friend last week to ask how to lassooooooooo a farang to get out of her borrowing problem.

[BookMan]

Excuse me ....We've met ??

yes showbags

[Showbags]

doh...

[bangsaenguy]

She will never find a Thai man to take on her children, especially with her ex being a cop. Her only chance is with a foreigner. The fact that she waited so long to tell you should be warning enough. She was trying to get you hooked before she divulged that little tid bit. I would run if it were me.

[BookMan]

Not only are children that age always a "part of the package" but if he does not think he could come to love (love -- not simply tolerate) these children then he should end the relationship now, for everyone's sake.

He is looking at becoming in effect a stepfather, even if legal marriage is not contemplated. And these children are young enough that a poor relationship with him/lack of affection from him could have a lifelong negative effect on them.

Who pays for what in the household is a slightly other matter and up to him, her (and the ex) to sort out. but if he cannot see his way towards being a father to these children in the fullest sense of the word he is doing everyone, including himself. a disservice in staying in this relationship.

Thanks for the comment Sheryl.

I'm not sure it is a requirement in life to love someone else's children? I don't now if it can be forced, nor if it should be. I don't love some of my extended family let alone even like them.

In this specific case I'm sure the guy would be fair with them and friendly and affectionate, but as for love, maybe, I cant speak for him on that. Perhaps if he went into it that would happen down the track and he would take on a greater responsibility. (He has two kids of his own, 18 & 20, in Australia, one who lives out of home with his friends , one who lives at home with her mum)

As for not being their father, I totally agree with him. The kids have a father, who they do see, but who doesn't give the mum much money to help. That being the case he doesn't need to fulfill a fatherhood role

His love for her though seems genuine enough.

[BookMan]

She will never find a Thai man to take on her children, especially with her ex being a cop. Her only chance is with a foreigner. The fact that she waited so long to tell you should be warning enough. She was trying to get you hooked before she divulged that little tid bit. I would run if it were me.

Thanks for your comment.

As you can see from my OP and subsequent postings it is not ME I am talking about.

The thread is more about whether someone should accept this particular situation or if there is room for balance and compromise or if relationships can be compartmentalized to some degree..

My friend was only looking for single women when he started online dating, or women with older teenage kids. So yes, he was deceived by her omission to some degree.

He wants to be with her but he doesn't want to have to fill the full father and responsibility role.

[transam]

She will never find a Thai man to take on her children, especially with her ex being a cop. Her only chance is with a foreigner. The fact that she waited so long to tell you should be warning enough. She was trying to get you hooked before she divulged that little tid bit. I would run if it were me.

Thanks for your comment.

As you can see from my OP and subsequent postings it is not ME I am talking about.

The thread is more about whether someone should accept this particular situation or if there is room for balance and compromise or if relationships can be compartmentalized to some degree..

My friend was only looking for single women when he started online dating, or women with older teenage kids. So yes, he was deceived by her omission to some degree.

He wants to be with her but he doesn't want to have to fill the full father and responsibility role.

I have witnessed it, first the lure (carrot), then the , hooked............ ...........Then the shock, that is very hard to deal with cos one remembers the .

[transam]

Perhaps a poll...........

How many farangs here who have taken their wifes offspring on board that have grown up are putting their hand in their pockets to sort problems out that the fathers won't.

I know of many.

[Lucifer]

It's beyond me how anyone would assume a thai woman over the age of, say, 25, might not have any children. It's almost a given fact. So I have no sympathy for the OP's "freind", for salvating for three months, and then being surprised by two children. It is, and has always been, all or nothing.

Some people really shouldn't leave their country.

[Showbags]

Does he have sight problems ?

What about the stretch marks ?

While it is possible to have kids and not have them....it takes some effort and money to achieve....both of which I doubt she would have done.

or was it all towel and lights off kinda stuff...like I do.

Edited March 16, 2014 by Showbags

[Lucifer]

It's beyond me how anyone would assume a thai woman over the age of, say, 25, might not have any children. It's almost a given fact. So I have no sympathy for the OP's "freind", for salvating for three months, and then being surprised by two children. It is, and has always been, all or nothing.

Some people really shouldn't leave their country.

...additionally, women(and men also),are fishing for a good partner. They will use their best bait. Photo's with smiles and happy friends. They will not show you their baggage. But there will be baggage. There is always baggage.

[bangsaenguy]

She will never find a Thai man to take on her children, especially with her ex being a cop. Her only chance is with a foreigner. The fact that she waited so long to tell you should be warning enough. She was trying to get you hooked before she divulged that little tid bit. I would run if it were me.

Thanks for your comment.

As you can see from my OP and subsequent postings it is not ME I am talking about.

The thread is more about whether someone should accept this particular situation or if there is room for balance and compromise or if relationships can be compartmentalized to some degree..

My friend was only looking for single women when he started online dating, or women with older teenage kids. So yes, he was deceived by her omission to some degree.

He wants to be with her but he doesn't want to have to fill the full father and responsibility role.

Apologies for intimating that is was you. Wasn't intentional. Tell your friend to be very wary and think with his big head. Wish him the best

[larsjohnsson]

Does he have sight problems ?

What about the stretch marks ?

While it is possible to have kids and not have them....it takes some effort and money to achieve....both of which I doubt she would have done.

or was it all towel and lights off kinda stuff...like I do.

I don't belive he can see the stretch marks when being online with her. When he meet her she had already told him

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[swissie]

QUOTE __

When you start a relationship with a partner that has children, they are most definitely part of the 'package'.. and in Thailand this includes a certain amount of financial support.

__ENDQUOTE

the package will also include the mother, sick father, 2sisters and kids, collapsing rice farmers house needing rebuilt, payments on brothers pickup, buffalo vets fees, etc

but never mind,

Love is blind,

Like this post, because it sums it up in a nutshell and reflects reality.

Only one thing to add: The "true-father", (the cop on Sukhumvit), regardless if he has never contributed a single Baht for his children, will financially be supported by his children, if he ever asks for it in his old age. (And ask for it he will !!!)

On the other hand, if the Farang (having basically "raised" the children and put them through school ect), in the same situation..............................???

Maybe we don't really want to know beforehand.

Cheers.

[dao16]

I found out about my wife's kids within minutes of meeting my now wife. I would have found it odd had 3 months passed before she said anything about them. So there is that.

On another note, when she says kids are part of the package or no go....you had better believe her. She is not lying or bluffing. If this guy isn't prepared to take on the responsibility, he should find one of the other millions of other beautiful and kind ladies here who doesn't have children.

I love both of my stepkids and I think it is totally worth it, but you have to be dedicated to it or forget about it.

[transam]

QUOTE __

When you start a relationship with a partner that has children, they are most definitely part of the 'package'.. and in Thailand this includes a certain amount of financial support.

__ENDQUOTE

the package will also include the mother, sick father, 2sisters and kids, collapsing rice farmers house needing rebuilt, payments on brothers pickup, buffalo vets fees, etc

but never mind,

Love is blind,

Like this post, because it sums it up in a nutshell and reflects reality.

Only one thing to add: The "true-father", (the cop on Sukhumvit), regardless if he has never contributed a single Baht for his children, will financially be supported by his children, if he ever asks for it in his old age. (And ask for it he will !!!)

On the other hand, if the Farang (having basically "raised" the children and put them through school ect), in the same situation..............................???

Maybe we don't really want to know beforehand.

Cheers.

The true father WILL be taken care of, you can be sure of that, the farang was a means to an end. 100% sure.

[Thongkorn]

I know a man in the UK, he married a Thai lady, brought her back to the UK, But forgot to tell her he had been married before 3 times before and has 5 children and has to pay child support, Now she works to pay his mortgage, while not being able to send money home to her own family and daughter. So its not just Thai women. and let s be honest if you think Thai lady's at the age of over 30 have no children then you do not know Thai culture. I know all 30 year old Thai lady's don't have children but most do.