"Buckfast Recommended As Cure For Being Sober"

[Franky Bear]

http://wundergroundmusic.com/buckfast-recommended-as-cure-for-being-sober/

Popular tonic wine, Buckfast, has today been touted by scientists as a miracle treatment for symptoms of sobriety – a condition which afflicts almost all people excluding the Irish, Russians and Glaswegians.

The wine, fortified with enough sugar to keep an American kid awake for 20 minutes, has been used as a cure for sobriety for years by tramps, people at festivals and clubbers but now the drink, which comes in both bottle and can form, may be achieving mainstream acceptance.

“In 100% of the tests that we carried out with sober people, each and every person who we administered with a 500ml serving of Buckfast was instantly cured of any debilitating sobriety symptoms,” declared Dr. Tony Abbey, a health professional in charge of getting rounds in and doing shots. “The people went from boring people in charge of all their critical faculties to drooling messes within about ten minutes with some even remarkably slurring their words and pissing themselves.”

“It’s results like that which make it all so worthwhile,” he added proudly. “I’m really making an impact in people’s lives and helping them to socialise more loudly and obnoxiously.”

Some of the symptoms of being sober that Buckfast is thought to be effective against including walking in straight lines, standing up, not pissing on the toilet seat and doing anything that requires complex problem solving – although it is possible to disengage the Buckfast from your brain for long enough to perform a reasonably complicated task like write a text message to a drug dealer for cocaine or to go to the shop to buy more Buckfast.

“It really is a miracle cure for all those people who are suffering in silence with the shame that is being sober,” continued Dr. Abbey who himself suffered from a severe case of sobriety which saw him hold down a job and raise a family for ten horror filled years. “Now whenever I feel a bout of sobriety coming on I’ll just slip out to shed for a quick nip of the bucky and I’m drunk again in no time, happily smacking my kids and watching Coronation Street on a Tuesday afternoon.”