Cosseted Farang Husbands and Their Thai Wives

[kiniyow]

If Farangs do things themselves the Long Lines at Immirations would be cut in half

[pedro01]

To the OP...

Live and let live.

We arent all hen pecked you know.

Now back to your ironing...

[Si Thea01]

I am so glad to hear that I am not the only one that "allows my wife" to "take the lead".

I traveled to Thailand many times before I met my wife, and managed perfectly well on my own.

Now that I have a Thai wife, I see that it pleases her to take the lead; especially when you consider that the "normal" view of a Thai/ Farang relationship is the dominant male suppressing the submissive wife. Isn't it "normal" for the Thai wife to stroll along 3 steps behind her husband? Isn't it the Thai culture that the wife hangs her clothes below the husbands clothes on the washing line?

Thankfully some husbands don't suppress our wifes.

I, for one, would never try to supress my wife; she is very independent and I think if I tried, I would be walking around with a high pitched voice by now. Before I met my current wife, I had to manage alone and run two companies as my then wife passed away. Although both of us were independent and could manage on our own, we worked as a team, so the next five years was one of the steepest learning curves I ever experienced. It really showed how hard life can be without a loved one beside you.

I too have seen the walk behind routine but was not aware of the washing aspect, never checked that out. My wife and I always walk together, hold hands and our washed clothing is hung together on the same level. just checked it out to make sure. When we are out, my wife also likes to take the lead in the purchasing process of major items so I just stand there and listen.

However, for some reason, when it comes to asking for a discount, she shies away. It annoys me a little when the seller looks at her and always directs their conversation to her, as if I am not there but I just play the little game until it comes to the crunch and then I let them know that I am able to understand and speak Thai.

They seemed quite surprised and then speak to me, I think in an endeavour to see how much I understand. When they realise I can speak more then the basic, their attention is directed to both of us, as they soon realise I am not just there to be the ATM.

We always talk about the major purchases we make and it is pleasing to see that when the salesperson knows I am able to be involved in the process, how readily I am accepted and we nearly always end up with a good price reduction as my wife always leaves the price negotiations to me.

[reptile91602]

I just hope our writer of this article doesn't find out my real name or he could embarrass me.

[atyclb]

Learn a language that even those who are national speakers and still cannot converse with each other properly

You don't command any more respect out there just because you can speak Thai, don't get me wrong I can understand lot more than I ever choose to speak and that has helped me out in certain situations but in many others it has riled me... it's a double edged sword really.

as for the men you speak of, well there's no point having a dog and barking yourself is there

"as for the men you speak of, well there's no point having a dog and barking yourself is there"

Classic. your intent was to bite into the op's self righteous proclamations/ criticisms/ condemnations of cosseted men and your argument becomes an analogy of wives : language to dogs : barking

[rayongchelsea]

There is practical side to this..if you add isolation into the mix..then the eventual breakdown of marriage..it can be tough..independence is very important.

[hocuspocus]

Just rely on my wife for one thing as D.I.Y is not my thing.

[SoiBiker]

For myself, I try to be as independent as possible. However, I admittedly rely on my Thai partner occasionally. This dependence isn't because I'm lazy or want to be coddled. it happens when i run into the wall of "Thainess". Almost weekly, I find myself amazed that Thais can function in Thailand. For example, my girl and I recently went to Isaan. We were wishing to take a bus back to our primary residence in BKK. Usually, I like to take the bus, because I enjoy the scenery when travelling. I took it upon myself to purchase the bus tickets. Despite several attempts, I couldn't find a bus going to BKK. When my girl joined me, I told her there were no buses and we needed to find a different means of transport. Surprise...she bought tickets in 5 minutes. Seems that many Isaan people have no idea what the <deleted> BKK is or where it's located. They only call in Krung Thep. I asked my girl if they were having a laugh at my expense...she told me the vendors were serious. The vendors had never made the connection that Krung Thep and BKK are one in the same.They have Smart Phones...watch TV...but are so intellectually lazy that they never figured it out. How many expats have found taxi drivers that have idea what BTS or MRT means? For me, it happens about once every 2 months. On these occasions, I gladly rely on my Thai girl guide the driver. Also, I've found that if I am with a Thai, most people do not even speak to me. I can order a drink in a cafe using clear Thai, and the waitress will ask my gf what I want to drink. Anyway. Despite these small annoyances...I prefer Thailand to most other places I've been.

So you're so independent that you never even learnt the Thai word for the place you live?

[freebyrd]

Firstly, I don't live in Thailand any more, I'm in a neighbouring country with perhaps more frustrations to deal with. I lived in BKK for many years and I spoke Thai at business level, a matter of having to actually. I've also lived, and worked, in many other SE Asian countries over the past 3 decades, again much the same. Despite being more than competent in Thai, I experienced several occasions when I coudn't achieve my aim, so eventually I chose a different tac.

I'm a capable individual, in the workplace at 16, but why after more than 4 decades of experience at the coalface would anyone take an hour to do a simple task when your wife/partner/work colleague can complete the same task in 5 minutes?

I give a great deal to those around me in so many ways, so is there any harm them helping me out, stopping me getting frustrated and perhaps even learning a thing or two themselves in the process? I certainly don't see it as supression or domination, rather a simple solution to a situation and life continues amicably as one of cooperation between all parties, team players.

That said, one size doesn't fit all and one man's meat.....

[evadgib]

i am a disadvantaged person,i don't speak thai,I'm the wrong colour i look completely different than the locals and i am considered fair game for being ripped off. my wife on the other hand fits in nicely with the locals they can't tell the difference between her and themselves,so she pays no more than anybody else and never seems to get ripped off,which i find commendable and it reflects in the bank balance. oh i forgot she's a thai.

Me too. I'll leave this to everyone else

[Mudcrab]

I do hope you aren't saying, I learned Thai, so everyone else should?

Personally, since my Thai is near non-existent, and doesn't seem to be improving, my Mrs is glad to take care of a lot of the administrative type of issues, renewing car tax, lost mail etc. I do my visa stuff myself. I do see the type you mention, who let the Mrs do everything, like getting them money from the ATM.

Learning the language if you live, work/retire in any foreign country is not an option, it is a MUST! Not learning the language of your host country is the first and most annoying display of superficiality and ignorance to any host. I have heard so many excuses why foreigners here are unable to manage learning Thai, that it makes me sick to my stomach. In my opinion, it would be great if basic command of spoken Thai would be a visa requirement for any Thailand visa other than tourist. There you have it!

So many expats in Thailand whine in forums about not being respected - if you want respect, you have to earn it, and the forst step to do that would be to learn the language of the country you chose as a home.

I learnt Thai because in the sticks you need to know it. I think a lot od women don't want you to know it for their own reasons. Yes a basic understanding is very handy.

Most people in BKK or Pattaya believe its not required. It is.

Correct.

If i couldn't say Krong Tip, Beer Chang and Nam Keng esip baht at the village shop then I would feel completely inadequate as a hunter gatherer and as a man.

There are some things that you really do need to do yourself to survive in this world.

Edited December 5, 2014 by Mudcrab

[pchansmorn]

I have been here 1 year, and I don't mind my wife taking care of things in the US I did this for her for 30 years, now it's her turn, I can understand a lot of Thai but my speaking is not Great, at my age I don't think it will get much better. However I can travel by myself but enjoy being with her more, if something happened to her I would probably leave and move somewhere else where they speak English. But for now we are happily together enjoying retirement.

[Mudcrab]

Learn a language that even those who are national speakers and still cannot converse with each other properly

You don't command any more respect out there just because you can speak Thai, don't get me wrong I can understand lot more than I ever choose to speak and that has helped me out in certain situations but in many others it has riled me... it's a double edged sword really.

as for the men you speak of, well there's no point having a dog and barking yourself is there

"as for the men you speak of, well there's no point having a dog and barking yourself is there"

Classic. your intent was to bite into the op's self righteous proclamations/ criticisms/ condemnations of cosseted men and your argument becomes an analogy of wives : language to dogs : barking

Errr you got that wrong mate.

It wasn't analogy at all, just a reasonably well known saying.

Edited December 5, 2014 by Mudcrab

[jacko45k]

I do hope you aren't saying, I learned Thai, so everyone else should?

Personally, since my Thai is near non-existent, and doesn't seem to be improving, my Mrs is glad to take care of a lot of the administrative type of issues, renewing car tax, lost mail etc. I do my visa stuff myself. I do see the type you mention, who let the Mrs do everything, like getting them money from the ATM.

Learning the language if you live, work/retire in any foreign country is not an option, it is a MUST! Not learning the language of your host country is the first and most annoying display of superficiality and ignorance to any host. I have heard so many excuses why foreigners here are unable to manage learning Thai, that it makes me sick to my stomach. In my opinion, it would be great if basic command of spoken Thai would be a visa requirement for any Thailand visa other than tourist. There you have it!

So many expats in Thailand whine in forums about not being respected - if you want respect, you have to earn it, and the forst step to do that would be to learn the language of the country you chose as a home.

Well so many countries I have worked in, I learned a bit. I came here to retire, did a few Thai courses but I just can't seem to improve.

I live in an area where I can get by, but I have managed to learn being civil.

I struggle to remember English!

Edited December 5, 2014 by jacko45k

[Beetlejuice]

Ah Beetlejuice, you really like those little hassles do you? My wife does every bit of that and more for our family. She is a very intelligent and energetic lady, and she is capable of many things, including earning a degree with honors in an American university and having a successful career in government. I would rather wait for her at home or in a coffee shop or bar while she takes care of those little hassles in life; then take her out for dinner and music or a movie. I would rather ride my Harley and allow her to make the day to day decisions. I do so because I trust her; I taught her well. She is my wife and life partner. Sorry, if you can't trust yours to do the right thing--or do you really like standing in line in banks, doing the grocery shopping, playing with the utilities providers, dealing with landlords, hiring tradesmen, etc.

Actually, yes I do. Not because I do not trust my wife but I enjoy having some in-dependency and being in control of my own affairs, doing my share and in fact both my wife and I can deal with these matters, we can handle these separately or sometimes we go together. We have the choice and our marriage is an equal partnership, she is not my mother or my slave and I don`t have to stand there like a spare one at a wedding letting her do all the bidding for us, as I too can share in our responsibilities. So what`s wrong with that?

Edited December 5, 2014 by Beetlejuice

[nithisa78]

It is well written. However, I am sure if you lived in a different place these past 31 years. Despite that difference, you would still find men who could do it and do.

Wonder about something more constructive. More about your own life and self improvement.

[wwest5829]

Those who sit in public judgement of others are seldom on the moral high ground, and are much more akin to harbouring their own deep rooted insufficiencies that they prefer to hide behind that facade of a self righteous stone thrower.

I would start worrying more about your own faults rather than preoccupying yourself with other people's lives.

Not making judgements only curious as to why so many farang guys get themselves into situations where they have to rely on Thais to take care of them and run all their affairs in Thailand. I know one Canadian guy, that after his Thai wife died about a year ago, he became like a fish out of water.

I also see this a lot when out, in banks, post offices and so on, where the Thai wife or partner is doing all the business and the farang just sitting there looking lost and bewildered with the Thai wife having to do the explaining and translating between the parties.

Just a thought but, you know in many western countries we raise our children to be independent. That is not so in many other countries where dependency as a member of the family is more valued. When I talked about my travel alone inMexico it was met with some questioning about it being sad that I was not accompanied by family members or friends. As has been already stated, my wife takes great pride in taking care of me and my stating to others that she sees to all my needs. We seem happy so that is the bottom line.

[BritManToo]

Ah Beetlejuice, you really like those little hassles do you? My wife does every bit of that and more for our family. She is a very intelligent and energetic lady, and she is capable of many things, including earning a degree with honors in an American university and having a successful career in government. I would rather wait for her at home or in a coffee shop or bar while she takes care of those little hassles in life; then take her out for dinner and music or a movie. I would rather ride my Harley and allow her to make the day to day decisions. I do so because I trust her; I taught her well. She is my wife and life partner. Sorry, if you can't trust yours to do the right thing--or do you really like standing in line in banks, doing the grocery shopping, playing with the utilities providers, dealing with landlords, hiring tradesmen, etc.

Dunno about BJ, but I can do all that stuff myself.

Nice to have someone else in the room during sex from time to time, but that's not essential either.

Doing stuff by yourself, without mummy.

Part of being an adult.

Edited December 5, 2014 by BritManToo

[WhamBam]

Sadly, there do seem to be plenty of these guys who need a mother instead of a wife. Some cannot even clean the house. &lt;deleted&gt;. That is part and parcel of life.

I can do most things myself and am doing so at the moment.

I am from the old school where I was taught that a man should be able to cook, clean, shop and do the laundry as well as a multitude of other things. Yet I do still have people I can call on, especially with disputes. I found a long time ago that Thai on Thai works slowly but more effectively. In this respect I'd rather let a Thai do it all for me.

The Thai g/f at the time often gets me a far better price on goods too. Better at getting the repairs done to the aircon or whatever.

Horses for courses and all that.

[mikecat]

Come to t hink of it my wife does most things and I quite like it. My parents raised me well, I wasnt cosseted and normally I am quite independant. Can speak enough Thai to get by. I just love that my wife likes to look after me. Suggest you stop worrying about other people and get on with your own life.

[ableguy]

I do most things for myself though I do rely on my wife to do the reading, writing and speaking in Thai for me because she is so good at it.

At 70, I am partly deaf and mostly tone deaf and though I can speak some Thai what I think I said is sometimes not what Thais hear.

I don't have any problems locally and generally farther afield I can survive too.

I still drive my pickup truck and ride a motorbike.

If there is something I need that my wife doesn't have the Thai words for I generally type it in English in MS Word, Go to Google translate and turn it into Thai then over to Google to get a photo. I put all 3 on the same page and mostly it works.

Why don't you simply buy a talking Thai English dictionary around 2000 baht.

[Jaggg88]

Well after paying a very large sin sod I want to get value for money. No point having a dog and barking yourself.

[ALFREDO]

I also see this a lot when out, in banks, post offices and so on, where the Thai wife or partner is doing all the business and the farang just sitting there looking lost and bewildered with the Thai wife having to do the explaining and translating between the parties.

At least let them work something!

Anyway, that is the language problem, few Thais speak English.

Edited December 5, 2014 by ALFREDO

[Liquorice]

Sounds like a fight for the BAFTA awards.

Beetlejuice and Catweazle v Forrest Gump

[smotherb]

Ah Beetlejuice, you really like those little hassles do you? My wife does every bit of that and more for our family. She is a very intelligent and energetic lady, and she is capable of many things, including earning a degree with honors in an American university and having a successful career in government. I would rather wait for her at home or in a coffee shop or bar while she takes care of those little hassles in life; then take her out for dinner and music or a movie. I would rather ride my Harley and allow her to make the day to day decisions. I do so because I trust her; I taught her well. She is my wife and life partner. Sorry, if you can't trust yours to do the right thing--or do you really like standing in line in banks, doing the grocery shopping, playing with the utilities providers, dealing with landlords, hiring tradesmen, etc.

Dunno about BJ, but I can do all that stuff myself.

Nice to have someone else in the room during sex from time to time, but that's not essential either.

Doing stuff by yourself, without mummy.

Part of being an adult.

Gee Britman, I am impressed. You are a brave lad to that without mummy.

[benalibina]

Well after paying a very large sin sod I want to get value for money. No point having a dog and barking yourself.

Interesting point of view.....wonder what the OP thinks about it....

[Beetlejuice]

Well after paying a very large sin sod I want to get value for money. No point having a dog and barking yourself.

Interesting point of view.....wonder what the OP thinks about it....

No need to give an opinion about Jaggg88 comments. What he has said speaks volumes for it`s self regarding how a lot of farang husbands consider their Thai wives, as no more than glorified house keepers and carers with benefits on the cheap. But eventually these husbands pay the price by becoming institutionalised into their situations and totally useless as thinking independent individuals in their own right.

[williet98248]

Beetlejuice -- guys do this everywhere. You just happen to live in Thailand and watch the foreigners doing it with their Thai wives. You probably don't have to look too hard to find Thai guys who rely on their Thai wives to take care of everything, either -- especially older guys who have problems with eyesight, hearing, mobility or other reasons for impairment.

Sure is a common enough phenomenon in my home country. When my Mom died, my Dad (age 75) had the good sense to realize he needed to find another wife soon or he was soon going to end up living in the household of one of his kids (with a daughter or daughter-in-law telling him what to do) because he just wasn't able to keep himself organized. Fortunately, he got his act together and found a wonderful woman about ten years his junior (from an internet dating site!)

Indeed. When my mother died my father had never written a check in his life. He went to work every day and turned over his check to Mom who took care of everything. He quickly found a widow 20 years younger than him to take care of him. Here I Thailand I consider myself independent and can take care of myself. But my wife takes very good care of me. I should complain?

[Docno]

There may be a Thai side to this as well. My Thai gf (of four years) is 20 years younger than me and her constant refrain is about how she wants to take care of me, especially in my older years. Now the cynics among you will of course be thinking, "she just wants to take care of your bank account, mate", but this is a woman who has adopted two dogs (one of which found near death after being hit by a car) and a bird (that eventually died of cat-inflicted injuries); I also see the lengths to which she goes every day to help her family. I think the idea of 'taking care' of others is part of her self-identity, and I've seen this in other Thai women as well. So these guys referred to in the OP may partly be going along with the desires of their wives to 'take care' of someone. [some of the more good hearted Thai women may be also unconsciously trying to restore psychological equity by doing a lot of 'caring' if the husband is providing all of the household resources... but that's a bigger topic]

She's playing the long game with you mate.

Most farangs are B grade. That's why their wife takes care of all.

She knows too that she'll eventually get the wallet at the end of the day also.

Yeah, I predicted at least one person would come back with that. Now if my gf is playing 'the long game', as you say, then she is probably also aware that she's taking a big risk. She just needs to look at my past record of relationships to see that the future is not guaranteed (previous one lasted 12 years without me getting dragged down an aisle), and she knows it will be another 5-10 years before I would give up my business and move in with her. Yes, I do help her out occasionally to make ends meet, but at a very low level (she's proud that she doesn't rely on me for stuff even when some people in village tell her she should be squeezing me for a car, etc.).

That said, we all know that women all over the world look at men--consciously or not--as resource providers. Countless studies, using a variety of methodologies, have shown that women value men for financial and physical security (i.e., to provide resources to ensure the survival of offspring) whereas men value women for youth, beauty, and health (i.e., as indicators that she will produce offspring healthy enough to survive). There's even some interesting research that shows that women prefer 'beefcake' types during the fertile time of their cycle while preferring guys that look more 'resourcey' at non-fertile times [suggesting that women have evolved to get pregnant by athletic types but to lock-down on guys that will provide resources].

But there's also something else that could be at play in Thai-farang relationships: psychological equity. Research (admittedly, mostly with western populations) shows that people feel uncomfortable when they perceive inequity to exist and that they are motivated to take action or reframe the situation to restore equity. When a richer older man is in a relationship with a younger poorer woman (i.e., the typical Thai-farang relationship pattern), there is potential for perceived inequity, especially in terms of the man feeling that all the resources are flowing in one direction (i..e, that he is an atm/wallet). Some women might restore psychological equity--on their side of the equation at least--by telling themselves that their 'sacrifice' is to be with a man who is well past his prime. But other women may achieve the same balance by offering longer term care and companionship. This may all be happening below the level of consciousness, but it will make the woman feel more psychologically at ease if she feels that she too is bringing something to the table. Of course, guys, we can encourage this by hinting at the financial flow inequity, by undermining her efforts to highly value a woman's youth and beauty ("a depreciating asset"), and by showing appreciation for (and thus reinforcing) care/companionship as an equity restorer. Of course, doing so might be a little manipulative ;-)

[Baa_Mango]

old ass people