discipline within the home

[romeijoe]

hi everyone , here is a subject that im sure many of us face here in thailand.

presently i am facing a stand off with the wife regards the daily chores we all do to keep our household operating smoothly.

am i the only person in thailand that has a problem getting the wife to agree to teaching children that they need to help in the house? hence teach them about responsibility.

been here a long time very happy with my lot but the one thing i just dont get is how the thai thinks that letting children get away with any thing they want to is good.

been trying to teach the kids to pick up after themselves, and a few other things ( without bitchin to much ). noooo i will do that !!!! says wife ,

so in the end i imagine i will have very spoilt kids, and not a damm thing i can do about it.

what do you do? ignore and have a beer?

[stoneyboy]

After hearing repeated cries of this is Thailand this is how we do things here I decided it was for the best that after 6 years in a relationship and unfortunately with a 3 year old daughter in the equation it was for the best that me and my other half were not compatible and not capable of living as a family,not the only underlying issue of course but a major factor.

And her pathetic excuse that this is Thailand was played out every time a problem arose became to much to bear.

Good luck but I for one can't imagine you will have much luck changing the situation.

[thehelmsman]

Makes a bit of difference if they're your biological kids or step kids. At least for me I'd treat the circumstances differently.

[lovelomsak]

We have a 17 year old daughter by my wife's first marriage. The wife has no idea how to parent her.I have absolutely no say.My wife deposits her monthly allowance in the daughters bank account and tells her do as you please.The daughter hardly eats at home but when she does she cooks for herself and leaves everything for my wife to clean up. Daughter cannot even iron her own clothes wife does it for her.She went out last saturday morning came home tuesday night. Its like living in a college shared accommodation house.The wife says she gives the daughter 1500 baht a month but cannot see how the daughter can eat 95% of her meals out,buy new clothes and shoes every month and party every weekend.

Zero discipline just a teenager running wild.I tried to explain parenting to my wife and it was all yes,yes ,yes. But that was the end of it ,nothing changes.

[cooked]

We manage with our grandchild but I had to start with the wife first. I look after the garden, you do the household stuff. I can cook if I want, she can buy plants if she wants, but we talk about it first. Still an ongoing battle. I had to draw the line last week when our little girl got a few switches with a bamboo cane because she had run off to the rice fields to catch fish and we had no idea where she was. This involved half the neighbourhood running around looking for her.

She understands now, and myself I have never hit her.

At the age of nine she will give the dogs their weekly tick shampoo, helps to go fetch the cows home, mops out the shower, can get the washing machine going and hang out the wash, plus plenty of other weekend chores. In a small village it is certainly expected that young children do their bit, although I have noticed that lately that many kids seem to find it normal that they sit around while their parents are working, the parents say nothing.

Our neighbour knows a lot of stuff about traditional handicrafts but has passed nothing on to his sons.

Don't ask me why.

[MaeJoMTB]

@OP

You banging your head against a brick wall.

1) Let it go ....... or ....... 2) move out.

Those are your only two choices.

Playing the 'evil stepdad' is just pointless as it just eventually leads to option 2.

[4evermaat]

I think this would be better suited in the family/children section.

Kids will manipulate the weaker parent for a very early age. So the ex-gf allows him to do just about anything....he learned this and is quite clever now @ 3.5 yrs old at whining/crying at just the right time to get what he wants.

The key is not to try to win every battle...but to instill a few enforcable values (ones you can personally enforce consistently). I do my best now to brush his teeth, wear helmet on the motorbike, be on time to school in the morning (when i used to take him). Speak to him in english 99% of the time.

I dont believe all of it is TiT. Because the overwhelming kids get to school on time, and (those who bother to buy helmet) do wear it. Of course i get comments that he is well behaved around me. He can play 90% of the time, but he needs to know the 10% when i put my foot down. It could save his life.

[Sheryl]

Moved to family and children

[weegee]

We have a 17 year old daughter by my wife's first marriage. The wife has no idea how to parent her.I have absolutely no say.My wife deposits her monthly allowance in the daughters bank account and tells her do as you please.The daughter hardly eats at home but when she does she cooks for herself and leaves everything for my wife to clean up. Daughter cannot even iron her own clothes wife does it for her.She went out last saturday morning came home tuesday night. Its like living in a college shared accommodation house.The wife says she gives the daughter 1500 baht a month but cannot see how the daughter can eat 95% of her meals out,buy new clothes and shoes every month and party every weekend.

Zero discipline just a teenager running wild.I tried to explain parenting to my wife and it was all yes,yes ,yes. But that was the end of it ,nothing changes.

That is worded exactly what my reply post would have said....It seems like you were telling the story of this house here....every word of it.

BUT...every dog has his day eventually..

[MaeJoMTB]

We have a 17 year old daughter by my wife's first marriage. The wife has no idea how to parent her.I have absolutely no say.My wife deposits her monthly allowance in the daughters bank account and tells her do as you please.The daughter hardly eats at home but when she does she cooks for herself and leaves everything for my wife to clean up. Daughter cannot even iron her own clothes wife does it for her.She went out last saturday morning came home tuesday night. Its like living in a college shared accommodation house.The wife says she gives the daughter 1500 baht a month but cannot see how the daughter can eat 95% of her meals out,buy new clothes and shoes every month and party every weekend.

Zero discipline just a teenager running wild.I tried to explain parenting to my wife and it was all yes,yes ,yes. But that was the end of it ,nothing changes.

Selling drugs and/or prostitution.

That's the way young girls get easy money.

[benalibina]

Its a matriarchical society....influence of dads in the upbringing of children is not always/much appreciated. So the myth can continue that thai men are.....useless....all kept alive by many women who dont know how to raise their own children.

OP, do it your way with raising your kids....tell her ...shape up or ship out.

[laolover88]

I had the opposite problem! Solved eventually. Mother treated Thai kids like slaves and skivvies. When I said I did not want our Luk Krung treated the same way she said: " Well is he cannot be a good wife and a good Mae Baan she will have no husband!" To which I said **F** that she's not going to be some Thai boy's chattel/mother/cook/compliant little wifey....Did not go down well!!

:

[nottocus]

Just need to find a wife (Asian or other) who has the same parenting values.

[Sheryl]

Just need to find a wife (Asian or other) who has the same parenting values.

Unfortunately it sounds like that ship has sailed in this case.

[NickJ]

Im counting lucky stars.......

[FritsSikkink]

hi everyone , here is a subject that im sure many of us face here in thailand.

presently i am facing a stand off with the wife regards the daily chores we all do to keep our household operating smoothly.

am i the only person in thailand that has a problem getting the wife to agree to teaching children that they need to help in the house? hence teach them about responsibility.

been here a long time very happy with my lot but the one thing i just dont get is how the thai thinks that letting children get away with any thing they want to is good.

been trying to teach the kids to pick up after themselves, and a few other things ( without bitchin to much ). noooo i will do that !!!! says wife ,

so in the end i imagine i will have very spoilt kids, and not a damm thing i can do about it.

what do you do? ignore and have a beer?

not all Thais are like that and it is your responsibility as a parent to do something about it

[chickenslegs]

You don't give the age of the kids or how long you have been involved in their lives/upbringing.

I think your main efforts need to be directed towards persuading your wife to change her attitude.

Talk it through with her and convince her that the children will have a better life if she lets them

learn to take care of themselves.

Sometimes, mother has a strong urge to keep her children tied to her apron strings - dependent on

her for everything.

If mother won't let them help around the house, try to find them things to do to help you or join you in

doing your chores (e.g.- clean the car, change the oil in the motorbike, paint the fence - depends on age/ability).

Give praise when they help you and (especially) when you see them do something helpful without being asked.

Avoid being too critical. Instead of catching them doing something wrong try your best to catch them doing

something right.

Give pocket money for chores. If they want a new toy or gadget, you might suggest they first work to earn 50% of

the cost then you will pay the remainder.

If you have control over the finances of your household you may be in a stronger position than you think, especially

when the kids "need" their toys.

Don't expect quick results. Don't give up. You need to persevere.

These are just my thoughts. I have had some success with my children and Thai step-children, but also some failures.

Good luck.

[khunpa]

Although I would say many Thai-women are fantastic mothers and wives, most have some disadvantages... Most hate facing "problems" and try to avoid too many discussions at any cost.

Also they have more "old-fashion" way of thinking of their role as a woman, wife and mother. Often you can also add a low education and therefore also limited ability to actively and wisely debate a given subject, without things turning out to be something out of a Thai TV-drama.

Best advice I can give is to try to make changes in simply ways, without discussions like a previous poster suggested.

You will never win a discussion with a Thai-women, simply because she does not like debats and does not have the basic skills to be a part of a normal constructive debat. You say something negative about the kids and she will immidiatly see it as her fault and you talking bad about what she considers her responsibility. She will automatically take things in relation to the kids personally.

Best you can do is focus on your tasks as a man in the family... Make money! ... and then hope the kids turn out to be just a bit normal ;-)

[khunpa]

Having kids with a Thai-women is kind of like owning a house in Thailand. You get the right to pay for it, but that's also all you get ;-)

[chowny77]

I think it comes down to many many factors. The wife's family up bringing. The age of the child if it is not your biological child. The relationship/bond that is formed between yourself and the child. I am lucky in a way as my wife sometimes can be too strict with her son, especially when it comes to homework. He sometimes just does not get it, especially with Math. I must admit I suck at Math but I can get by, so while the wife goes off to vent I look at the Math problem and try and show him a different way to get the same correct answer. It worked when I had problems with my homeroom teacher back in the UK, my mum showed my how she was taught when she was at school in the 60's. At the end of the day if your wife is going to let them get away with not doing chores and she cleans up after them all the time, who will do it for them when she has gone........................that is what being a parent is all about, passing on skills to the next generation. From your wife's teaching they will learn sweet FA. It's up to you to either stand up and explain it to her or just say to her " you reap what you sow" and damn this harvest will suck A!

[FritsSikkink]

Having kids with a Thai-women is kind of like owning a house in Thailand. You get the right to pay for it, but that's also all you get ;-)

utter nonsense

[colinneil]

Discipline in the home in Thailand whats that?

It just does not happen.

As most members know i am paraplegic, have a daily carer when my wife is at work.

At 14.30 she goes to collect her daughter from school.

When they return 6 year old daughter has crisps / coke / all kinds of junk.

She eats drinks, then drops wrappers etc all over.

I have spoken many times about getting her to put them in the bin, i think her mother my wife herself are all deaf, because after nearly 2 years she still drops them on the floor.

[HooHaa]

hmm, the ex is strict beyond beleif with the child as her parents were with her.

lax parenting is hardly a universal thai trait.

i suppose it depends on who you marry.

[Gecko123]

I don't think the Western model of the father as disciplinarian works here in Thailand. I don't think I've ever seen a Thai father in this role. When a foreign step-father tries to play this role the kids seem to become instantly alienated and resentful. It's seen by them as unpleasant controlling behavior on the part of the father.

I tried to play the role of an active involved engaged father to my step-daughter (since age 5), someone who she could talk to, lots of talk about life and what she wanted to be when she grew up, periodic scolding if she screwed up, but showed a lot of patience and forgiveness too. Flash forward to present day (age 17): total rebellion, rejection of all things step dad. It's like a gene got triggered. Really freaked me out, felt like the kid was incredibly ungrateful for everything I'd done for her.

Just waiting it out. Keeping a low profile. Doing a lot of praying. Trying not to do anything vindictive. Some hopeful glimmers that the fever might break down the road.

[Sheryl]

....Flash forward to present day (age 17): total rebellion, rejection of all things step dad. It's like a gene got triggered. Really freaked me out, felt like the kid was incredibly ungrateful for everything I've done for her. Just waiting it out. Keeping a low profile. Doing a lot of praying. Trying not to do anything vindictive. Some hopeful glimmers that the fever might break down the road.

This is typical adolescent behavior. She will grow out of it, though it may take a while. It does not necessarily reflect on anything you did or did not do as a stepdad.

You will though have to develop a new sort of relationship with her now that she's almost grown, and this can be an adjustment....especially as very young adults still don't know much about life. The urge to guide and advise can be very strong but you'll need to hold it in check unless she is receptive.

[MaeJoMTB]

I tried to play the role of an active involved engaged father to my step-daughter (since age 5), someone who she could talk to, lots of talk about life and what she wanted to be when she grew up, periodic scolding if she screwed up, but showed a lot of patience and forgiveness too. Flash forward to present day (age 17): total rebellion, rejection of all things step dad. It's like a gene got triggered. Really freaked me out, felt like the kid was incredibly ungrateful for everything I'd done for her.

Slightly off topic,

I've had a village girl living with my family since I married my wife,

Was 12 when she moved in, 17 now. I can't imagine having a nicer and better behaved daughter.

But right at the start I did tell her any problems and you're back in the village, no boys allowed at all here.

It's her choice, high school and university with us ...... or freedom and boys with grandma in a rural Thai village.

My wife (a bit older than the teen) is given the same choice, my way or goodbye.

(wife's just finished high school, and has her first year university exams this week)

[fey]

have not seen much parental discipline at all
limits are rarely set because its a face losing gsture
even more rare is a consistent father figure around at all

i think thats why so many become tuk tuk drivers and other types of low life scum where the meal ticket seems to be a needy pestering of others, rather then having the discipline to delay gratification and become more independent

[romeijoe]

We have a 17 year old daughter by my wife's first marriage. The wife has no idea how to parent her.I have absolutely no say.My wife deposits her monthly allowance in the daughters bank account and tells her do as you please.The daughter hardly eats at home but when she does she cooks for herself and leaves everything for my wife to clean up. Daughter cannot even iron her own clothes wife does it for her.She went out last saturday morning came home tuesday night. Its like living in a college shared accommodation house.The wife says she gives the daughter 1500 baht a month but cannot see how the daughter can eat 95% of her meals out,buy new clothes and shoes every month and party every weekend.

Zero discipline just a teenager running wild.I tried to explain parenting to my wife and it was all yes,yes ,yes. But that was the end of it ,nothing changes.

yes yes yes thats exactly what im talking about , as a parent you just have to fear misguided parenting and the resulting young adult that it produces.And we all make mistakes. we have a young 8 yr old that will surely never learn to be an individual if this keeps up. but it is the thai way i will never be able to change it so thats that .And as its the only negative we or should i sat i have with my stay here in thailand ---- well i guess you just have to make slow changes dont you.

[pgrahmm]

Our 15 y/o daughter is a parents dream.....A beautiful girl that doesn't realize or use her beauty....She does the laundry & irons for both girls....Grows her own garden....Is always in the kitchen helping to cook and does the dishes 50% of the time without being asked along with sweeping etc & helping around the garden....Shepherds her younger sister without rancor - which really takes patience....For school study she voluntarily hits the books by the hour - even taking pictures of pages on her phone of a book she had to turn in back to school.....NEVER a disciplinary problem & willingly shares everything.....She internalizes if something bothers her and she's on the shy side and I'm working on both of those....She doesn't have my blue or my wife's brown eyes but liquid deep copper colored eyes that change with the light and are going melt many a heart - I've never seen that color eyes other than hers....She never asks for a thing and is truly a happy well adjusted person.....A daughter to be proud of.....

Now to the work in progress - the 8 y/o.....This girl is quite bright - brazen - selfish - and a bully.....

For the first 5 years she was treated as the entitled family baby & it was very frustrating along the way for me.....Everyone else was happy to cater to her and she aggressively took advantage of it.....Then we had a full fledged monster on our hands....Once she got school it got better + we didn't have a 24/7 hauntingly demanding presence.....The regimentation did some good but the wife still doted.....

Finally I voiced it so much to the wife I took control.....When she did something nice she was given stars - and when she wanted something we checked the calendar - if enough stars it was then considered & she became proud of earning her stars....She was given a pggybank and chores.....She then could earn money and being selfish she would hoard it.....But that was OK.....Then if she wanted something I'd tell her to use her own money - one week = no work as she was testing us - and there was no money when she wanted something.....Until she earned her place in the family she wasn't really a happy child.....

Now - she's 8.....Still has her moments but has learned to share - still earns her 10 baht a day at her chores (or doesn't get if not done - but she understands that now)....She helps around the house - is learning some cooking skills & to respect the people and things around her.....Actions are tied into consequences with a little talk or lesson after the fact as needed....She's very quick witted and bright so took a lot of work to turn the tide....Once the wife saa the positive changes and happier girl she was fully on board.....

Somewhere along the way I got it across to her that if things stayed the way they where she'd have a 25 y/o-6 y/o on her hands....

The change has been dramatic....And rewarding = for all of us....

Side note...

Please and thank you are used by everyone in our house to foster the giving & gratitude for receiving...

[lovelomsak]

Our 15 y/o daughter is a parents dream.....A beautiful girl that doesn't realize or use her beauty....She does the laundry & irons for both girls....Grows her own garden....Is always in the kitchen helping to cook and does the dishes 50% of the time without being asked along with sweeping etc & helping around the garden....Shepherds her younger sister without rancor - which really takes patience....For school study she voluntarily hits the books by the hour - even taking pictures of pages on her phone of a book she had to turn in back to school.....NEVER a disciplinary problem & willingly shares everything.....She internalizes if something bothers her and she's on the shy side and I'm working on both of those....She doesn't have my blue or my wife's brown eyes but liquid deep copper colored eyes that change with the light and are going melt many a heart - I've never seen that color eyes other than hers....She never asks for a thing and is truly a happy well adjusted person.....A daughter to be proud of.....

Now to the work in progress - the 8 y/o.....This girl is quite bright - brazen - selfish - and a bully.....

For the first 5 years she was treated as the entitled family baby & it was very frustrating along the way for me.....Everyone else was happy to cater to her and she aggressively took advantage of it.....Then we had a full fledged monster on our hands....Once she got school it got better + we didn't have a 24/7 hauntingly demanding presence.....The regimentation did some good but the wife still doted.....

Finally I voiced it so much to the wife I took control.....When she did something nice she was given stars - and when she wanted something we checked the calendar - if enough stars it was then considered & she became proud of earning her stars....She was given a pggybank and chores.....She then could earn money and being selfish she would hoard it.....But that was OK.....Then if she wanted something I'd tell her to use her own money - one week = no work as she was testing us - and there was no money when she wanted something.....Until she earned her place in the family she wasn't really a happy child.....

Now - she's 8.....Still has her moments but has learned to share - still earns her 10 baht a day at her chores (or doesn't get if not done - but she understands that now)....She helps around the house - is learning some cooking skills & to respect the people and things around her.....Actions are tied into consequences with a little talk or lesson after the fact as needed....She's very quick witted and bright so took a lot of work to turn the tide....Once the wife saa the positive changes and happier girl she was fully on board.....

Somewhere along the way I got it across to her that if things stayed the way they where she'd have a 25 y/o-6 y/o on her hands....

The change has been dramatic....And rewarding = for all of us....

Side note...

Please and thank you are used by everyone in our house to foster the giving & gratitude for receiving...

Good post.

I am envious. I can do nothing to get things in order in our home.My wife defends every thing the daughter does.

When we all started living together I offered the daughter 800 baht a month to iron my clothes.All thought that was good, First month nothing done first 2 weeks had to tell wife to get daughter to iron the clothes. Daughter did reluctantly. Second month daughter wanted paid in advance I said no. Wife paid her without letting me know. Daughter went To bangkok at 15 with friends came back 4 days later. No ironing done yet that month. So I stopped the program. My fault,I donot understand Thai.ways.

I tell the wife it is not good the daughter does not come home on weekends. Wife says I care about daughter and just want to make trouble for her,cannot figure that out,says she is good girl no problem she no come home.So I am the bad guy caring.

I could go on.

I envy your family it is functional mine is so dysfunctional it hurts.