Support for ex-girlfriend?

[OneMoreFarang]

Short version: How much support do I have to or should pay to my long time ex-girlfriend?

More info: I lived more than 10 years together with my Thai girlfriend. I met her when she was 17 and we lived together since then. She did not work while we were together. We had good time and bad times but now the bad times are just too much and I decided it does not make sense to continue with this by now failed relationship.

She is not a bad girl, she never cheated, she never stole money or lied to me about something important and I think it's only fair that I support her for some time after we separate.

My idea is that I give her maybe 10,000B per month for 6 or 12 months or something like that.

As far as I know legally I am not required to pay anything. If this is incorrect please let me know.

What do you think is a fair support payment? Should I pay? How much? Any conditions?

Thanks for any ideas.

[sanemax]

10 000 Bhat, plus her rent money seems quite reasonable

[JohnLick]

Being a Thai girlfriend sure has its perks... 10 years of life without job and redundancy payment included :)

 

She will do anything in her power to get back to you, at least after she realize the benefits missing

 

Or she will find a new farang. After 10 years between 17-27 of not working I can't imagine she could go to how normal people do it.

 

If the money aren't much for you, why not. Though she probably received more than you out of the relationship.

[OneMoreFarang]

She was a house wife, cleaned the apartment, is a good cook and took care of me. Long time ago she worked in a coffee shop and I a pretty sure she will be able to get a job in a restaurant, pub, something like that. I don't want go give her a one time payment because I don't have much money and I don't want that she spends it all and then comes back for more. My idea is that she should be able to get somewhere a small apartment, find a job and then take care of herself - or find another boyfriend who takes care of her.

I wouldn't say 10k is little money for me. But I think just telling her there is the door, go out and never come back, wouldn't be fair. And, more important, I want that she leaves and if I don't give her any money then likely she will not leave and I don't need that headache.

[swissie]

I lived in the Thai-Sticks and there, a co-habitation (living under the same roof for 5 years or longer) qualifies as "a marriage", even from a legal point of view.

Like so many other things, this may vary from province to province, amphoe to amphoe.

So, if GF agrees to a 6 month / 10 K per month "settlement" (and even sighning something to that effect), you should go for it, especially if major assets were aquired during the time you were living together.

In case she has trouble finding employment, it won't be long and some of her Thai-friends will advise her "to get more from you", possibly with the help of lawyer, him willing to work on a commission basis.
Better safe than sorry.
Cheers.

[Watchful]

10 years is a long time to be together. Why don't you attempt a "trial separation" of a month?  

 

That is, you live apart for an entire month. At the end of the month, you get together in a public place to decide whether to make the separation permanent. If both are happier after one month the answer, the answer is fairly obvious. (You might even find yourself suffering from loneliness. You might find that with both making a few behavioral changes, you might try together again.)

 

I just think it's premature to so cavilarily through away 10 years. 

Edited September 24, 2017 by Watchful

[OneMoreFarang]

9 hours ago, swissie said:

I lived in the Thai-Sticks and there, a co-habitation (living under the same roof for 5 years or longer) qualifies as "a marriage", even from a legal point of view.

Like so many other things, this may vary from province to province, amphoe to amphoe.

So, if GF agrees to a 6 month / 10 K per month "settlement" (and even sighning something to that effect), you should go for it, especially if major assets were aquired during the time you were living together.

In case she has trouble finding employment, it won't be long and some of her Thai-friends will advise her "to get more from you", possibly with the help of lawyer, him willing to work on a commission basis.
Better safe than sorry.
Cheers.

Thanks, that is important and good information. Do you know how much I would have to pay if I would be officially married to her? I didn't have or acquire any major assets so there is nothing to (legally) share.

[OneMoreFarang]

5 hours ago, Watchful said:

10 years is a long time to be together. Why don't you attempt a "trial separation" of a month?  

 

That is, you live apart for an entire month. At the end of the month, you get together in a public place to decide whether to make the separation permanent. If both are happier after one month the answer, the answer is fairly obvious. (You might even find yourself suffering from loneliness. You might find that with both making a few behavioral changes, you might try together again.)

 

I just think it's premature to so cavilarily through away 10 years. 

Thanks, I thought about that and we tried it. It didn't help. Some time ago someone gave me the tip to read the following book: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum

I read it and can recommend it to everyone who is in an unhappy relationship and thinks about if he should stay or leave. I am 95% sure my relationship with her will not get much better and likely worse. We could probably stay another year or even more together but we won't be happy. And having that in mind I think it's better to separate now than dragging it on forever knowing it won't get better. Life is too short to waste it or just stay it a failed relationship longer and longer and hope that somehow it will get better.

[jacko45k]

14 hours ago, JohnLick said:

Being a Thai girlfriend sure has its perks... 10 years of life without job and redundancy payment included :)

 

She will do anything in her power to get back to you, at least after she realize the benefits missing

 

Or she will find a new farang. After 10 years between 17-27 of not working I can't imagine she could go to how normal people do it.

 

If the money aren't much for you, why not. Though she probably received more than you out of the relationship.

And dumped on the trash heap after giving the best years of her life if you take a different perspective!

And does she have any skill or education to fall back on or did she forego that too?

It is not that I suggest continuing a failed relationship, that is a miserable situation for both parties.

 

Whether a monthly payment to help her get onto her own two feet, or a lump sum to get her to move on I don't know which is better.

 

Quote

she never cheated, she never stole money or lied to me about something important

She already sounds better than the one I have!

[thrilled]

I understand where your coming from.If you can afford it I would say go for it.

[thailand49]

Lots of good advice, this one is tough. Everyone thinks differently? I have a personal saying " if someone could stay with me for 10 years deserves Half " 

Here in Thailand, even if it was legal marriage or not the guy just walks and she gets nothing regardless of the law. In my opinion, the country is ruled by men and the laws that do exist aren't really enforced unless you have the monetary power to enforce it?

My opinion, is you do what is in your heart and in the end, she come to appreciate it even if she doesn't understand it right now.  Communicate with her, ask her where she wants to live and go with her to see the place make sure it is reasonable and clean maybe even a use motorbike thrown into the package plus the 10,000 a month.

 

Good luck

[Docno]

34 minutes ago, jacko45k said:

And dumped on the trash heap after giving the best years of her life if you take a different perspective!

And does she have any skill or education to fall back on or did she forego that too?

It is not that I suggest continuing a failed relationship, that is a miserable situation for both parties.

 

This sort of sentiment bewilders me. I most recently heard it from an English friend who sends large amounts of cash every month to his younger Indonesian gf, has set her up in a house, bought her a car, etc... and she hasn't worked a day in the past few years (and they live apart most of the time). When I asked him about the logic of this, he said "she's spending her youth on me". [I won't get into the implications of that].  

 

In relationships, two people willingly enter an arrangement that has certain 'rules', exchanges, and mutual expectations. If they have a half a brain, they also know the ride may not last forever. SO what does it mean for a woman to give the best years of her life? How do you give time? And why does nobody ever say this about men? [And if you are talking about child-bearing years, the woman in this thread is only 27].

 

p.s. notwithstanding the above, I do commend the OP on wanting to give his ex some time to adjust and move on financially... seems like the right thing to do. Just has nothing to do with the age of the person... 

[kwak250]

I do think 10k a month is a very reasonable idea but one thing is for sure I wouldn't get a new gf anywhere near where you staying imagine 10 years of having it easy and then suddenly the lifestyle has stopped.

 

[1130bobs]

Lots of advice but really easy.  Give her 10k/mo or whatever makes you happy & does not stretch your budget.  You'll need dating money now.  Make it clear that extra tips are available for make-up sex or whatever you 'need'.  If she budgets like most girls, she will need extra $ so much it will be like old times for you.

 

Don't worry about the time period because

 1. everyone lies about this

2. it will naturally end when either

   A.  she finds a new sugar daddy / boyfriend (& you must find out or she will continue to 'double dip') - when the sex stops is a good sign

  or B.  you get a new GF.  Once she finds out this bi_ _ h is taking HER $, she will fight it out with the old one so she stays away for good.  just like the jungle.

 

 

 

 

[Antonymous]

My sympathies to the OP. Giving up on any live-in relationship is really tough and after 10 years considerably so. Few relationships last forever, however good the intentions.

 

Been there, done that.

 

Without knowing her circumstances it is difficult to give advice.

 

As she has had no employment experience to speak of it will be hard for her to get and adjust to a job now. As she has been looked after all her adult life so far, she may have difficulty coping alone too.

 

She’ll feel very vulnerable and her first concern will probably be security. I’m sure this will be your concern for her too. If she has strong ties to her family, my guess is that will be her first port of call and I hope they are a decent bunch. Unfortunately if she’s from a poor background a lump sum from you would soon disappear (to them). An amount paid monthly is far the better option.

 

If she doesn’t have strong family ties, if I were you I’d help her to find a decent rental apartment , wherever she wants to go to. Pay the rent on it directly for 6-12 months and give her an additional amount each month that is enough to live comfortably on. Ten thousand for 6-12 months should be more than enough for that.

 

After that it is up to her. Chances are that given her whole ‘work experience’ has been living with and looking after a foreigner, that’s what she’ll seek to do again.  Who could blame her. You’ll just have to grit your teeth and bear it. Hopefully for you she’ll want to go to live somewhere far enough away from you that it won’t be in your face.

 

Good for you for wanting to do the right thing. Good luck.

[brianp0803]

I think something to consider is what she gave up to marry you at 17.

 

Was she on a path to go to university and have good education but gave that up for you? She was probably very inexperienced in dating.

 

How old was she when you started dating her? How old are you?

 

I think these are factors in what she deserves on separation.

[SpeakeasyThai]

Ask yourself this question:

Do you think if the foot was on the other boot she would give you anything?

Btw Thai men make their women pregnant and run away leaving the pregnant woman destitute.

Personally i would give a one off lump sum severence payment as paying monthly is still keeping the contact with her still remaining. One off payment will send a strong resounding messege that the relationship is well and truly dead.

 

 

Or maybe you like to control?

[SOUTHERNSTAR]

I cannot tell you what to do, you must follow your heart and mind. Whatever agreement you reach should enable you to sleep at night. 

 

From an outsider view I believe that when 2 people live together for 10 years as partners they are no different than a married couple. The legal rights of such partners may differ from a married couple but the moral obligations towards eachover stays the same.

 

Goodluck.

[retarius]

The answer is zero, nada, zilch, niente.....you are on the hook for nothing. Reminds me of Rod Stewart saying he was sick of getting divorced, instead he was going to look for a woman he didn't like and give her a house.

[Juan B Tong]

You "owe" her exactly $0.00.

[neeray]

The OP is a very commendable man. 

Bravo to him for having a heart and a conscience. I do agree with another member that "she gave the best years of her life". She was a mere babe when she hooked up with the OP, maybe even a virgin (I know guys, this is Thailand). 

I hope both him and her can move on successfully. 

[Baerboxer]

"She is not a bad girl, she never cheated, she never stole money or lied to me about something important "

 

How do you know? Your sentence implies she lied but only about things that aren't important? Such as? Little white lies?

 

The problem with catching someone telling a lie is that you will never know how many other lies have been told in the past or how many lies will be told in the future.

 

However 10 years is a long time. If you started living together at 17 I hope you had parental consent too. It seems you want to do the right thing. But beware, Thai ladies can turn quite different in character when they realize the income stream is drying up.

At 27, after 10 years with a farang, she's not gonna be highly marketable to Thai men looking for a wife.

[Monkeyrobot]

5000 max 

[Ridge]

18 hours ago, sanemax said:

10 000 Bhat, plus her rent money seems quite reasonable

Agreed. OP and gf should feel ok about that. 

[SpeakeasyThai]

51 minutes ago, retarius said:

The answer is zero, nada, zilch, niente.....you are on the hook for nothing. Reminds me of Rod Stewart saying he was sick of getting divorced, instead he was going to look for a woman he didn't like and give her a house.

I'm not suprised he said that as Rod Stewart has a reputation as a tight ass Scottish git. 

[SpeakeasyThai]

1 minute ago, SpeakeasyThai said:

 

 

Edited September 25, 2017 by SpeakeasyThai

[tweedledee2]

Not knowing what country you are originally from, I would like to ask yourself these questions. In your home country, if you had a girlfriend for 10 years and you broke-up would you feel obligated to provide support? If your girlfriend ended the relationship, would she offer to cook, clean and provide sex for 6-12 months?  

[jgarbo]

16 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

She was a house wife, cleaned the apartment, is a good cook and took care of me. Long time ago she worked in a coffee shop and I a pretty sure she will be able to get a job in a restaurant, pub, something like that. I don't want go give her a one time payment because I don't have much money and I don't want that she spends it all and then comes back for more. My idea is that she should be able to get somewhere a small apartment, find a job and then take care of herself - or find another boyfriend who takes care of her.

I wouldn't say 10k is little money for me. But I think just telling her there is the door, go out and never come back, wouldn't be fair. And, more important, I want that she leaves and if I don't give her any money then likely she will not leave and I don't need that headache.

Never got involved in the "mia chao" scene but a few friends did and it always ended badly. Why should she give up a sweet number? And part of the "laundry money" (old joke - the sex is free but the laundry's rather expensive) goes to her family. In the old days, 1990s it was six months' rent in a studio & 5000 pocket money. So now the suggestions of 10,000 & 6-12 mths rent seem OK. But it will be very messy, lots of tears, slashing of wrists, sitting on the floor and screaming. If she's smart she'll drag in the sick mother, drug addict brother, and a mangy dog. Good luck. Don't call back.   

[KKr]

maybe out of the box, but why do you not give her the opportunity to finish high school in a weekend program (As she was working when 17, I think she did not have the chance to do that), and maybe even higher education.
She would have time to  work during the week, and learn to make ends meet while at weekends create the chance for herself to create a better future, or at least the chance to get a more interesting or good job.
Being more educated would also change her, and maybe close the gap that has grown between the two of you.
If it does not work out, you will be respected for thinking about her as a good person, and taking care of her life even though she is not a good wife any more rather than, as mentioned before, putting her outside with no perspective in life.

Up to you / her, as the saying goes. 
Good Luck.
 

[bazza73]

The OP is to be commended for thinking this way. Legally, he owes her nothing. Assets acquired during a marriage are split 50:50 under Thai law. Defacto relationships are not recognised in Thailand.

In his shoes, I would be giving her 50,000 - 100,000 baht as a lump sum, then moving away myself. If he sticks around and forms another relationship, the odds are pretty good the ex-GF will try to poison it somehow. Even if he doesn't, she will still think the ATM is open. Doing it with monthly payments will confirm the thought.

The OP should bear in mind if she has a lot of family ties and a big network of friends, they can make life difficult for him. Thai women can be quite vindictive, which is why IMHO I think he would be better off moving away. Far away.

 

Stalking is apparently a common phenomenon here, and the police won't be any help if it does happen.