Support for ex-girlfriend?

[IsaanAlex]

The morality of whether the girl should get a penny or not aside, I'd offer her:

 

a. 20,000 baht upon move out.

 

That gets her out.

 

b. 15,000 baht a month for 3 months

 

That should keep her happy (enough) and in a right enough frame of mind to get onto her "Plan B".

 

The alternative that I would offer her is 0.

 

Up to her.

 

 

[LostinSEA]

4 hours ago, jacko45k said:

And dumped on the trash heap after giving the best years of her life if you take a different perspective!

And does she have any skill or education to fall back on or did she forego that too?

It is not that I suggest continuing a failed relationship, that is a miserable situation for both parties.

 

Whether a monthly payment to help her get onto her own two feet, or a lump sum to get her to move on I don't know which is better.

 

She already sounds better than the one I have!

Well said... Just because you no longer want to be with someone doesn't mean you stop caring for them.

 

FWIW OP, I gave my Ex-GF of 10 years a car (worth 900-1,000,000 THB), 750,000 THB to set-up a shop & another 1-150,000 THB for equipment)... of course that was in the UK (Car £18-20k, £15k for a Photography Studio & £2-3K for an extra camera & couple of lenses).

 

At the end of the day she had to give up her job to move 120 miles so we could live together & was only able to find work at a much lower level/salary than she was on so the least I could do was to try to set her up in what she wanted to do (8 years later she's still doing well & we're still friends).

 

Current GF (7.5 years) I paid her mortgage off (Approx 750,000 THB - 1,000,000 PHP, £15,000) & supported her for the past 2 years while she went back to finish her tertiary education (she Graduated a couple of months back, 1st honors :) ) because there's a very strong possibility that I'm going to be finishing with her when I retire in March (Let's just say it's that or get married as I want to move somewhere where she couldn't move to without a lot of Visa problems).

 

End of the day I think you're doing the right thing by supporting her until she can "Find her Feet" & 10,000 (Plus Rent) feels about right...

 

 

Good Luck (To you & her, she sounds a lovely girl)

Edited September 25, 2017 by LostinSEA
typo

[Goong Ying]

18 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

. And, more important, I want that she leaves and if I don't give her any money then likely she will not leave and I don't need that headache.

You have my sympathies OMF.  After many years of marriage I'm in the same situation and the last straw has broken this camels back.

       You said--- We had good times and bad times but now the bad times are just too much.

Would you elaborate please about the bad times?  Maybe there is a common challenge with my wife and your Thai ex?

Thanks for the reference to that book. It could help me yet.

One wonders how a Thai guy would act in your situation. Just thinking?

Maybe it shows farangs can live in a world apart?

Edited September 25, 2017 by Goong Ying

[mikiea]

20 hours ago, sanemax said:

10 000 Bhat, plus her rent money seems quite reasonable

and how do you find this quite reasonable ? if you fail to spell baht correctly it follows you know little about the currency . or did i make another mistake in saying that ?

[Bannoi]

You could always give me her phone number 

[OneMoreFarang]

Thanks for all your advice and ideas. Often we hear and read about a cheating, lying gf and in those cases I guess it’s easy to just tell her to f*&% off (if she does that is another question). In my case I don’t blame her. We just grew apart. And we grew too much apart to fix it.

My reasoning for the monthly payment is that I want to make sure she accepts to go and does not make a huge problem out of it. And I want that she has a fair chance to build herself a new life, look for a job, etc. I don’t hate her. And I wouldn’t be comfortable if she would start to work in a bar within a week just because she has no money. I don’t want to think about myself as the bad guy who just kicked her out. We all complain often about the bad Thai husbands who just throw their wife out, I don’t want to be like that.

She does not have much education but she should be able to find a job in a restaurant or something similar. That won’t buy her a lifestyle like she used to have but it will be enough to live just like many other Thais. I don’t worry about that part. And if she wants a better lifestyle she should be able to find over time someone else to take care of her. While I was together with her she did go to English school and other schools. But she was never really keen to do a lot in terms of education. I didn’t keep her away from school.

In principle it’s not that I never want to see her again. But I don’t think it’s a good idea to keep in close contact after she moves out and definitely no sex with her after that. It just makes things more complicated and it will take longer to separate.

Her family is not too bad but it seems they will all blame her how she misbehaved so much that the farang does not want her anymore. I guess there is nothing I can do about that.

About a one-time payment versus monthly payments: I could just put the money in a bank account for her, I don’t have to see her or talk to her. This is not about control. But with a one-time payment and her lack of experience with taking care of money it is likely that that money would be gone before she realizes it’s time to find a new money source. I like the idea from IsaanAlex of a one-time payment i.e. of 20k the moment she moves out. That should motivate her a little. But I should make sure she has an apartment at that time so that she does not come back to me within 3 days.

Someone suggested that maybe I am blind when I think she never cheated or lied, etc. Obviously I never know 100% but I never got the impression that anything like that happened. And it’s not the issue here.

I guess I stick with my 10k per month plan. Now I “only” have to motivate her to move out sometime soon. She knows that it’s over and she told me already she will look for an apartment. But she is not exactly keen to do that right away. I don’t want huge hassle so I am willing to accept that this process won’t happen within a week or two. Let’s see.

[OneMoreFarang]

3 minutes ago, Bannoi said:

You could always give me her phone number 

Which part of my description makes her so attractive for you?

[Bannoi]

14 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Which part of my description makes her so attractive for you?

She is not a bad girl, she never cheated, she never stole money or lied to me about something important.

And this for starters.

She was a house wife, cleaned the apartment, is a good cook and took care of me.

[bazza73]

Just now, Bannoi said:

She is not a bad girl, she never cheated, she never stole money or lied to me about something important.

And this for starters.

She was a house wife, cleaned the apartment, is a good cook and took care of me.

All of that counts for nothing if she's a lousy lay.

[xylophone]

3 hours ago, SOUTHERNSTAR said:

I cannot tell you what to do, you must follow your heart and mind. Whatever agreement you reach should enable you to sleep at night. 

IMO......That is about the long and the short of it and of course everyone will view this situation differently but it really is down to the individual and the sort of relationship they had with their partner.

 

In my case, I lived with a lovely lady for about five years, along with her young daughter who was about six years old when we met. Like the OP's girlfriend, she was a hard worker around the house and in the small garden as well as when I was renovating the place, was a good cook and took care of me very well.

 

She was working as a junior accountant when we first met, however when that establishment closed, I told her she didn't have to find work and could stay at home and I gave her a living allowance as well as an allowance for looking after the house et cetera.

 

Anyway we did split in the end, not acrimoniously, but we were both sad about it. No point in going into the reasons here because it does not affect this post.

 

A short while later I sold the house and thought about all of the work that she had put into making it a lovely place and also the fact that I had shown her and her daughter a style of life which they probably wouldn't be able to match on their own, so I ended up giving her around 750,000 baht, plus a motorbike and other little lump sums as well as setting her up in a laundry business. She sold that after about a year because it became a little too successful and she couldn't cope with running the business!! (not a good delegator). 

 

I then decided to give her 10,000 baht a month to live on plus some other handouts just about every month which made it around 15,000 baht. Then her daughter (I call her our daughter – – a lovely, caring and smart girl) was accepted for a very good school and I now pay for her accommodation next to the school, as well as all the school fees and I deposit 8000 baht into her bank account every month.

 

I have also paid for dental work and other things and have promised that I will see her through university, should she make it, and she's determined to do so.

 

Friends have said that I have been far too generous, however I really do care about them both and look forward to regular talks on the telephone and catching up for lunch a few Sundays every month, and it makes me feel good that I can do something for these two lovely people whilst I have the ability to do so.

 

There will be those on this thread who consider me to be an idiot/fool, but then again they know nothing of the relationship I had and now have with these two people and how much I enjoy seeing them "prosper" to a certain extent. To see them relatively happy and not have to worry about where the next baht is coming from is a great pleasure to me.

 

So to the OP, do what you can and do what you want to do for your ex g/f because it is no one else's business and if it "does your heart good" then do it.

 

To put a slightly different spin on it, I always remember getting into a discussion with someone about Mother Theresa and about the good work she did, and this person painted a different picture inasmuch as he said, well it was the WIIFM syndrome coming into play (what's in it for me) because she got something out of her work – – satisfaction, pleasure, gratitude from those she helped, recognition and so on.

 

In my case I get a lot out of what I give, so I'm happy about that.

[OneMoreFarang]

14 minutes ago, bazza73 said:

All of that counts for nothing if she's a lousy lay.

Actually she is far away from a lousy lay and she is horny all the time.

[Nemesis7]

OP you are mind hearted man no doubt .

yrs I believe looking after her for 6/12 months is good , provided as you said her good unique virtues which are hard to find .

[giddyup]

4 hours ago, kwak250 said:

I do think 10k a month is a very reasonable idea but one thing is for sure I wouldn't get a new gf anywhere near where you staying imagine 10 years of having it easy and then suddenly the lifestyle has stopped.

 

We don't know how easy she had it, maybe she waited on the OP hand and foot, and maybe he was no bed of roses to live with either.

[OneMoreFarang]

41 minutes ago, Goong Ying said:

You have my sympathies OMF.  After many years of marriage I'm in the same situation and the last straw has broken this camels back.

       You said--- We had good times and bad times but now the bad times are just too much.

Would you elaborate please about the bad times?  Maybe there is a common challenge with my wife and your Thai ex?

Thanks for the reference to that book. It could help me yet.

One wonders how a Thai guy would act in your situation. Just thinking?

Maybe it shows farangs can live in a world apart?

I guess there are at least three main problems, and a lot of smaller issues.

1. She is often in a bad mood especially if she is hungry or had a few (>2) beer. She knows this but she is not willing to stop drinking beer and if she is hungry it's often that she wants exactly one thing to eat (let's say tom-yam-gung). She would be soon in a better mood if she would eat just anything, but she doesn't do that...

2. She is extern unforgiving. I misbehaved a couple of years ago and since then there was not even one week when she didn't remind me about how bad I was. And in her mind that was not years ago but something to remember like it happened yesterday. I told her many times: accept it and forgive or move on/out. I don't want to hear the same again and again for the rest of my life. She also misbehaved years ago (with drugs). I sent her at that time to a temple and she was "cured" and that was that. I don't think about it anymore or remind her about it. But when she complains about me she pretends that she was always perfect - she wasn't.

3. Especially when 1 and 2 happen together she is often very aggressive, shouting at me, throwing things around or at me, etc. for hours. I don't need this $hit. I might understand if someone is angry for a few minutes. But dragging it out for hours and next thing she tells me she loves me so much is exhausting and I don't want that for the rest of my life.

We talked about all these issues many times and maybe she behaves for a few days or even a week but then it comes back. This seems to be her nature. I had enough of this.

 

[atyclb]

6 hours ago, jacko45k said:

And dumped on the trash heap after giving the best years of her life if you take a different perspective!

And does she have any skill or education to fall back on or did she forego that too?

It is not that I suggest continuing a failed relationship, that is a miserable situation for both parties.

 

Whether a monthly payment to help her get onto her own two feet, or a lump sum to get her to move on I don't know which is better.

 

She already sounds better than the one I have!

 

 

what, it was her skills that she was using and honing.  with this solid skill set could she not get along just fine?

[atyclb]

6 hours ago, jacko45k said:

And dumped on the trash heap after giving the best years of her life if you take a different perspective!

And does she have any skill or education to fall back on or did she forego that too?

It is not that I suggest continuing a failed relationship, that is a miserable situation for both parties.

 

Whether a monthly payment to help her get onto her own two feet, or a lump sum to get her to move on I don't know which is better.

 

She already sounds better than the one I have!

 

 

what, it was her skills that she was using and honing.  with this solid skill set could she not get along just fine?

[atyclb]

6 hours ago, jacko45k said:

And dumped on the trash heap after giving the best years of her life if you take a different perspective!

And does she have any skill or education to fall back on or did she forego that too?

It is not that I suggest continuing a failed relationship, that is a miserable situation for both parties.

 

Whether a monthly payment to help her get onto her own two feet, or a lump sum to get her to move on I don't know which is better.

 

She already sounds better than the one I have!

 

skill set?? she was honing it and perfecting it for several years while an atm was serving her.

Edited September 25, 2017 by atyclb
double post. can u delete pls

[atyclb]

3 hours ago, tweedledee2 said:

Not knowing what country you are originally from, I would like to ask yourself these questions. In your home country, if you had a girlfriend for 10 years and you broke-up would you feel obligated to provide support? If your girlfriend ended the relationship, would she offer to cook, clean and provide sex for 6-12 months?  

 

 

rubbish, every german, english, french, israeli, american, canadian, etc etc etc  girlfriend that ended the relationship, would continue to cook, clean and provide sex for 6-12 months

[oxo1947]

An Asian girl...27 ..would look younger...with farang age ??

 

Yes she will get over it--but will you ? So many "Real Men" on here telling you how you should kick her to the curb--give her nothing etc.....after 18 years of living here, seen a lot of them sobbing into their beer--making a fool of themselves when she does find someone new, etc

 

Men play the typical “over it” role – they go out, they immediately find a new girl to hang with, they seem, by all accounts, perfectly fine. But how do guys actually react to breakups IRL?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 25, 2017 by oxo1947

[realenglish1]

A year sounds decent She dedicated 10 years to the both of you  120,000 baht over 12 months will give her enough to

to get her life in order with a job or new guy or move home

Either way you are doing the honorable thing Good on you 

[MyFriend You]

1 hour ago, OneMoreFarang said:

2 hours ago, bazza73 said:

_{All of that counts for nothing if she's a lousy lay.}

Actually she is far away from a lousy lay and she is horny all the time.

Well, she has all the makings for a 'Mia Noi' if she is up for it  -  I don't recall you saying where those interested could find such a gal??.   You sure you didn't put a 'bun in the oven' and am now scared of being held accountable??   I mean, ten years is a long time - and does she know about this inevitable split up??  

 

As one poster has said, the drinking bouts, yelling, crying, cutting arms, taking pills, showing up in middle of the night drunk is an all too real scenario, have seen it before.  If she suspects you are leaving, she will stop taking the pill to get pregnant, happened to a guy that worked for me, but he finally got custody of his son 12 years later. After paying 100,000 baht fine for naming her as a bar girl, which was the truth, but had to pay the fine anyway.

 

Well, Good Luck

[OneMoreFarang]

35 minutes ago, oxo1947 said:

An Asian girl...27 ..would look younger...with farang age ??

 

Yes she will get over it--but will you ? So many "Real Men" on here telling you how you should kick her to the curb--give her nothing etc.....after 18 years of living here, seen a lot of them sobbing into their beer--making a fool of themselves when she does find someone new, etc

 

Men play the typical “over it” role – they go out, they immediately find a new girl to hang with, they seem, by all accounts, perfectly fine. But how do guys actually react to breakups IRL?

 

 

You have a point about getting over it. I mentioned earlier the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" which helped me a lot to make up my mind. One of the questions it brings up is something like this: If you tried already to separate for a time did you feel better or worse? I definitely felt better without her for a month and I want my freedom back. Having some fun without commitment is easy in Thailand. I don't need right away a new girlfriend and I don't plan to have another one anytime soon.

[bazza73]

2 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Actually she is far away from a lousy lay and she is horny all the time.

Is that the problem? No offence meant, but are you finding it's a mismatch and too tiring?

[smotherb]

This is a sad, but not really unusual, situation.  Apparently, the girl was satisfied to be taken care of and you were satisfied to allow her to simply take care of you. I have always felt that a woman, or a man, who has no ambition or desire to better themselves; deserve that with which they end up.

[Mister T]

On 24/09/2017 at 4:17 PM, OneMoreFarang said:

She did not work while we were together. We had good time and bad times but now the bad times are just too much and I decided it does not make sense to continue with this by now failed relationship.

She is not a bad girl, she never cheated, she never stole money or lied to me about something important and I think it's only fair that I support her for some time after we separate.

Feel for you mate, had similar many years ago. Mine moved back to her parents and I put 10k a month into her bank for five months. She called me up one day and said she wanted the near new car and 30k to help her open a shoe/bag shop. Took the car to her the next weekend, gave her the 30k, have not had contact since. Believe I did the right thing in all aspects.

[Cranky]

Thais live for the moment and have no conception of getting more money over time.  10k per month x 12 = 120,000, I'll bet she'd take 40k now as a "one-off see you around"....And feel better off

[sead]

If its over then its over. Looks like a gf i would keep though but i also suspect she feels you dont like her as much. Thats why she is strange. She doesnt know how to handle the situation. But to buy her out of relation is wrong. First you be a man and break up with her. If she isnt giving you any problem then ask after 1 week how her financial is. If she is totally ok with the breakup then she already has a backup man. 

[Been there done that]

3 hours ago, xylophone said:

IMO......That is about the long and the short of it and of course everyone will view this situation differently but it really is down to the individual and the sort of relationship they had with their partner.

 

In my case, I lived with a lovely lady for about five years, along with her young daughter who was about six years old when we met. Like the OP's girlfriend, she was a hard worker around the house and in the small garden as well as when I was renovating the place, was a good cook and took care of me very well.

 

She was working as a junior accountant when we first met, however when that establishment closed, I told her she didn't have to find work and could stay at home and I gave her a living allowance as well as an allowance for looking after the house et cetera.

 

Anyway we did split in the end, not acrimoniously, but we were both sad about it. No point in going into the reasons here because it does not affect this post.

 

A short while later I sold the house and thought about all of the work that she had put into making it a lovely place and also the fact that I had shown her and her daughter a style of life which they probably wouldn't be able to match on their own, so I ended up giving her around 750,000 baht, plus a motorbike and other little lump sums as well as setting her up in a laundry business. She sold that after about a year because it became a little too successful and she couldn't cope with running the business!! (not a good delegator). 

 

I then decided to give her 10,000 baht a month to live on plus some other handouts just about every month which made it around 15,000 baht. Then her daughter (I call her our daughter – – a lovely, caring and smart girl) was accepted for a very good school and I now pay for her accommodation next to the school, as well as all the school fees and I deposit 8000 baht into her bank account every month.

 

I have also paid for dental work and other things and have promised that I will see her through university, should she make it, and she's determined to do so.

 

Friends have said that I have been far too generous, however I really do care about them both and look forward to regular talks on the telephone and catching up for lunch a few Sundays every month, and it makes me feel good that I can do something for these two lovely people whilst I have the ability to do so.

 

There will be those on this thread who consider me to be an idiot/fool, but then again they know nothing of the relationship I had and now have with these two people and how much I enjoy seeing them "prosper" to a certain extent. To see them relatively happy and not have to worry about where the next baht is coming from is a great pleasure to me.

 

So to the OP, do what you can and do what you want to do for your ex g/f because it is no one else's business and if it "does your heart good" then do it.

 

To put a slightly different spin on it, I always remember getting into a discussion with someone about Mother Theresa and about the good work she did, and this person painted a different picture inasmuch as he said, well it was the WIIFM syndrome coming into play (what's in it for me) because she got something out of her work – – satisfaction, pleasure, gratitude from those she helped, recognition and so on.

 

In my case I get a lot out of what I give, so I'm happy about that.

It seems you like to play dad and granddad. You must be a lonely person.

[Been there done that]

Reading the OP and many comments, the mind truly boggles. Slavery, with compassion ofcourse, is still alive !

[xylophone]

9 minutes ago, Been there done that said:

It seems you like to play dad and granddad. You must be a lonely person.

And you must be a sad excuse for a human being.