My Thai girlfriend is not a virgin. She had sex with a boyfriend that she thought she loved.

But then she says she married a man she did not love before going to England to study. And she claims she never had sex with this man. She says he was a "nice guy" and didn't pressure her to have sex.

Is this possible? I don't understand Thai culture, but I can't imagine people getting married and never having sex. Or doing anything else. Only kiss.

Her family really wanted her to marry him and the guy told her that she would love him eventually.

But no sex?

Sounds like BS to me. I suppose anything is impossible, but I'd find it rather hard to believe a lad would put up with that for any length of time especially if he was married to her.

My Thai girlfriend is not a virgin. She had sex with a boyfriend that she thought she loved.

But then she says she married a man she did not love before going to England to study. And she claims she never had sex with this man. She says he was a "nice guy" and didn't pressure her to have sex.

Is this possible? I don't understand Thai culture, but I can't imagine people getting married and never having sex. Or doing anything else. Only kiss.

Her family really wanted her to marry him and the guy told her that she would love him eventually.

But no sex?

...............................

Why is this on the women's section and not in "General Topics"? You're not asking about a woman's feelings - you're asking whether a bloke would settle for a sexless relationship. How would we know?

But 2 things:

Your girlfriend isn't making out she's a virgin. She's told you about one sexual relationship, what would she gain by lying about another? Particularly about a situation you patently don't believe. It would be easier for her to say she had had sex with this guy, you'd believe her & probably accept it.

Not all guys want sex. Maybe he was an "in the closet" gay. Maybe he was impotent. Maybe he'd made a religious pledge of celibacy. Maybe he'd been abused as a child, who knows?

IMO, the issue here isn't your girlfriend's honesty, it's your lack of trust...

Maybe it's just the circles I move in, but I know of several farang man-Thai woman marriages where sex seems to have moved very quickly to the back burner, or worse. I feel sorry for them.

"Steven"

Not sure why this is posted in the Ladies forum either. OP, can you give us a reason for posting here specifically, otherwise it will be moved.

very common in fictive marriages where the marriage is for gaining visa etc oppurtunities... the man marries the woman and he has a live in maid with residence; she gets job oppurtunity and security.

apparently there are very many of these in israel between israeli men and thai women (just saw program on tv here about this business)... and cursed since this makes it much harder to get a visa for thai husband now (very recent thing) since every thai/israeli marriage will now seem like a fictive one....

can also be for other reasons: gay man not out of closet marries for appearances sake (every one is married son, why arent u?) , gay man wants child (knew someone in the states did this; married lesbian woman, artificial insemination, son born, they 'divorced', child ahs father and mother legal custody etc with no questions asked); some profession work require married employee (preference to married person due to stabiltity blabla); it can and does work for a while but probably not for long.

not every man has to sleep with every woman he sees.

seems to me like she probably didn't want to have sex with her husband. maybe he was waiting for her to come around. or maybe one of them had some medical problem preventing them from functioning correctly? who knows. why don't you ask her the reason??

not every man has to sleep with every woman he sees.

Ladies forum quote of the week nominee

So what is the real issue?

You want to have sex and she does not, and she is giving you an instance of a time when she did not?

You are concerned with how many partners she may have had and and for some reason you do not like her answer?

Like others have said maybe her ex was in the closet.. and or.. maybe something traumatic happened to her to put her off.

Anything is possible, there is more variation in human sexual behavior than people tend to realize...including more people having no or little sex for various reasons than is commonly supposed.

It is also true that people lie about sex more than anything else, and that women in societies which still stigmatize female sexuality are even more apt to lie or conceal their sexual past...and also the cause that Thai society in general puts less importance on telling the literal truth than many Western societies do. Telling people what they want to hear (or you think they want to hear), or saying whatever you think is likely to preserve harmonious relations and avert embarassment and conflict is generally seen as more important than telling the truth.

So she might be telling the truth, or she might not. The BIG question to me is: whay do you care whether or not she had sex with this man? He is apparently no longer in the picture. She doesn't claim to be a virgin. So what exactly is the issue here for you?

yeah, i'm finally quoted!!!!!!!!!!! four years on the forum......

thank u sbk :D

Just for you bina, with a quote that good, who could resist?

First of all, in hindsight this was the wrong place to post this and this should be moved. Sorry.

To clarify, these are two Thai people that got married before she left to study in England. The guy knew that she didn't love him and was "nice" so he didn't make her have sex.

She told me that it is not uncommon in Thailand for people to be married and for the man to wait until his wife is ready to have sex.

I didn't want to put my whole story on here, but... she has lied to me about things in the past and now says that she will be completely honest with me. She is still married to this man and told me only because this man will now come to England to study in the same university as us. She has recently asked for a divorce from her husband but is spending a lot of time with him. "He is a good friend," she says. She says they do not kiss or anything else.

I think she is telling me the truth but my common sense tells me that this story cannot be true. I really want someone who knows Thai culture to tell me if sometimes a married couple will wait until the woman is ready.

Sorry mate. I am Thai and I know Thai culture. But I really have no clue on what happens in their bedroom.

How could she got married with this guy in the first place if she doesn't love him?

Sorry mate. I am Thai and I know Thai culture. But I really have no clue on what happens in their bedroom.

How could she got married with this guy in the first place if she doesn't love him?

To the first part of your answer; good answer!

To the second part of your post, it happens a lot, for a wide array of different reasons. I've just been !watching "Out of Africa!"

Anyway, to the O.P (original poster)

Why do you ask these questions?

Is the girl interesting to you/in you? May there be something blossoming on the horizon there?

So if that is the case, maybe she's lying, maybe she's not.

Maybe her husband is a cousin who's own position made it easier for her to get a foreign visa (thereby answering your original questions, if the case may be)

More importantly to you, i would have thought, is not what she may or may not have done in the past, but what she is/is not doing now!

Like, is she going to get a genuine divorce from her husband?

Is it realistic, taking into consideration the fact that she is a foreigner in a foreign land?

Is she going to be provided for if she relinquishes her marriage? By whom? by you? Is the spell check on Mozilla FF 2.0 great or what?

and so on and so forth.

out of curiousity

if they are both country folks, was the marriage arranged by mom?

i do know of two marriages of thai men with thai women where the marriages were arranged by parents, and actually broke up one couple (the thai man was w/different thai woman living overseas)went back to thailand and was married off... khmer family, lots of family pressure, his girlfriend had been previousl married w/child so not what this buriram family wanted for their son. he went like a lamb to the slaughter and only a year later from what i learned actually consumated the marriage.

the second marriage was for money and caring (poor alcoholic but very jai di and caring thai guy with slightly more well off non virgin thai woman from same village (all extremely poor, wealth is relative)due to family pressure after thai guy divorced 15! yr old previous wife (also buriram). both men care for but do not love their wives, both told me the wives 'do not enjoy night time activities' so mostly for procreation purposes also, note, the men work hard in fields and are alcoholic so the non sex doesnt seem to bother them: too tired, too drunk, wife sleeps with baby, etc.. they like the comfort of having a home, child, someone to care for them when they get old and someone to care for. love was not mentioned. both men thai men i know very well, now back in thailand).

love is sometimes a luxury before neccesity....

bina

For Kayo's question -

I really love this girl and she says she loves me. But she has lied to me in the past and has cheated on me. Now she seems different. I need to know that she is being honest with me. If she will still lie to me about ANYTHING, then I will give up tryingt o be with her. I have given thought to asking her to marry me and it is VERY important that my wife will not lie to me or keep things from me. She seems very honest now, but the marriage with no sex thing just sounded impossible.

To bina -

Yes exactly. She was getting older and seemed that she would not marry and getting married would make her family happy when they were disappointed with her for another reason. The man was a long time friend and he claims to love her, but she had done something very bad in the past that would make her less actractive to some men (she had a long term affair with a married man; the affair started long before her marriage and did not stop when she was married). She has cheated on her husband twice already with the married man and with me. Two months after being married she went to study in England.

Both my girlfriend and her husband have good jobs in Thailand. I don't think it was for money or visa reasons. She did it to make her parents happy.

Anyway, I want to give her a second chance because now she says she really loves me. I just needed to know that it was possible to be married without having sex.

If anyone knows Thai women and would like to tell me if I should give up or not feel free. I really love this girl.

Why is this on the women's section and not in "General Topics"? You're not asking about a woman's feelings - you're asking whether a bloke would settle for a sexless relationship. How would we know?

But 2 things:

Your girlfriend isn't making out she's a virgin. She's told you about one sexual relationship, what would she gain by lying about another? Particularly about a situation you patently don't believe. It would be easier for her to say she had had sex with this guy, you'd believe her & probably accept it.

Not all guys want sex. Maybe he was an "in the closet" gay. Maybe he was impotent. Maybe he'd made a religious pledge of celibacy. Maybe he'd been abused as a child, who knows?

IMO, the issue here isn't your girlfriend's honesty, it's your lack of trust...

One of the best statements I read in this forum, and of course it needs a woman to open men's eyes. My deep respect

Joe

there might be a pattern here

it has nothing to do with thai in this case;

she has cheated on her husband (even if it is a marriage of convenience) etc....

it seems, as my american mother would say, that she has some 'issues' .this said with pursed lips

why should u listen to us on a forum, its your life, your decision.

so if u want to give her a second chance, do so. if lyou are asking us, then u yourself pretty sure but you dont like the answer u give yourself, and thereby want ot hear it from someone else so u can place blame later ; the answer of course would be: NOT.

if u post this in an other part of the forum, u will get all the horror stories of farang men burnt by thai girls bla bla bla.... steal your money, castrate u, etc...

sit down, make a list, talk to the woman (straight up and to the point doesnt always work, u might have to go thai style, roundabout a bit), and skip the love part: talk about faithfulness (if its important to you), her relationship to her now husband (what her plans are, divorce? ), how that affects her, you , us them...then, why do u really love her (maybe she makes your life a bit spicy but once u get her, it might be boring? maybe u have a pattern in choosing partners? whatever, just throwing out ideas)

u know. the big questions in life...

bina

Who knows, maybe the guy had problems or something.

She told me that it is not uncommon in Thailand for people to be married and for the man to wait until his wife is ready to have sex.

She has recently asked for a divorce from her husband but is spending a lot of time with him. "He is a good friend," she says. She says they do not kiss or anything else.

I really want someone who knows Thai culture to tell me if sometimes a married couple will wait until the woman is ready.

OK, well now the picture (and reason for your concern is a lot clearer.

It is indeed common, particulalry among middle to upper class and Thai-Chinese (strata where women are expected to be very shy and "pure" when it comes to sex) for the man to wait for his wife to be "ready", but that is in situations where she is a (presumably repressed and scared of sex) virgin. And the waiting is generally a matter of weeks or a few months , not the life of the marriage....This is old-fashioned and going out of style, but one does still encounter it. Part and parcel of the old-style idea that the wife is a pure thing to be put on a pedestal, sex with her will be to have children (and oftren cease once they are born) and the husband will carry on with recreational sex with prostitutes, and perhaps a mia noi or two..

The whole story sounds a bit strange to me. Especially the part about asking for a divorce but spending a lot of time with him. But perhaps there are other unknown pieces to this puzzle. Or..perhaps she's not as through with this marriage as she says she is...

Does it matter?

If anyone knows Thai women and would like to tell me if I should give up or not feel free. I really love this girl.

I'll tell you this. I don't know if what she said (no sex and love you so much) was true.

But to me, this woman wants both of you guys, her husband and another man. It somehow makes her feel she is wanted by men and feels proud of herself. If she loses you, doesn't matter, she still has her husband to show off. If she still has you as a boyfriend, great! she can swap around!

First of all, in hindsight this was the wrong place to post this and this should be moved. Sorry.

To clarify, these are two Thai people that got married before she left to study in England. The guy knew that she didn't love him and was "nice" so he didn't make her have sex.

She told me that it is not uncommon in Thailand for people to be married and for the man to wait until his wife is ready to have sex.

I didn't want to put my whole story on here, but... she has lied to me about things in the past and now says that she will be completely honest with me. She is still married to this man and told me only because this man will now come to England to study in the same university as us. She has recently asked for a divorce from her husband but is spending a lot of time with him. "He is a good friend," she says. She says they do not kiss or anything else.

I think she is telling me the truth but my common sense tells me that this story cannot be true. I really want someone who knows Thai culture to tell me if sometimes a married couple will wait until the woman is ready.

Now in general the Thai culture says the words: "Dam tschuea!" which means make

believe and Thais don't regard that as a lie, cause they can't disdinguish themselfs

between a lie and the truth. Once they are caught telling a lie they are really inventive

to switch to the next lie, rather then telling the truth!

Thailand = Liland !

I see no particular reason to keep this thread open. Esp after ridiculous comments like the above.

***Closed***