Relationship dynamics w/Thai wife questions

[rumak]

23 hours ago, MaeJoMTB said:

You really have no idea about Thais or Thai women!

Thais don't want to know your interpenetration on anything, you are a foreigner, if you don't like that, go home.

I can just picture the hysterics, drama and possible violence from 'sitting her down and explaining'.

Something I could never understand about all the old white guys in Thailand, doesn't matter how long they live here, they learn NOTHING. I guess you can't fix stupid.

darnit MTB.........you beat me to the post !   

[Khun Jean]

Giving her the silent treatment can work pretty well.

[transam]

3 minutes ago, possum1931 said:

As far as I know, Mrs Possum always says what she thinks, and I'm sure I would know if she is unhappy about anything.

I thought that about my ex UK wife of over twenty years.....It took me about two years to get over the shock...

I know a Thai lady who hates the farang she married, but she sat back and thought, how do l survive if l dump him with my baggage....Totally true...

Nobody knows what others/partners are really thinking, even myself...

[transam]

2 minutes ago, Khun Jean said:

Giving her the silent treatment can work pretty well.

What, not ....

[SpeakeasyThai]

22 hours ago, Justfine said:

The horse has bolted. If you didnt buy cheap why buy at 15 grand? It's a fake coin. You can buy a harley for that price and at least get something for your money.

 

Can still buy a 2nd hand harley for 7 grand.

 

 

 

Harley Davidson = noise pollution.

[FritsSikkink]

"this dramatic scene with me shouting at her"

Maybe stop shouting and talk normal, then it might not escalate.

[Jonah Tenner]

5 hours ago, wwest5829 said:

Maybe the book, "Thailand Fever" will help reflect on the cultural differences. After 7 years here I am still learning as I go along.

"Culture shock! Thailand" is also a useful read.

[jenny2017]

That other 10 to 15% of the time when there are problems they are usually pretty minor (or at least they should be). The problem I have is that what should be a minor problem that we can easily discuss and move past ends up turning into this dramatic scene with me shouting at her and her ignoring me or trying to undercut me with some snide remark. She can't just have a discussion. There is no self-reflection. There is no improving the relationship. It just gets ugly till the next day then she apologizes and I have to apologize and it's fine till the next argument. The other problem is that every time there is the slightest problem she says she wants a divorce. I would never even consider a divorce as to me these are minor problems that just need to be worked past. But she says she doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce and if we didn't have a child we wouldn't have gotten married in the first place

 

  OP, may I be honest with you? You sound so selfish and not understanding basic cultural differences your wife grew up in. 

 

  I never raised my voice when I thought I had a problem with my wife because I know it's considered very impolite to be loud. 

 

That's why she comes with your so-called snide remarks, she just can't handle your behavior. 

 

You'd never "consider" a divorce, but she often mentions that she doesn't love you anymore? Have you ever thought that you are the one who caused some problems in the first place?

That doesn't sound like 10 to 15 % of your bad time, it's more vice versa.

 

  You should have known how Thais are before you married her. Best of luck trying to figure that out. 

  

[jenny2017]

1 minute ago, Jonah Tenner said:

"Culture shock! Thailand" is also a useful read.

"Dealing with difficult people". 

[jenny2017]

13 minutes ago, FritsSikkink said:

"this dramatic scene with me shouting at her"

Maybe stop shouting and talk normal, then it might not escalate.

Shouting is considered very impolite and I understand that she hates him for that.

 

  That's not how you solve a problem anyway. 

[peterb17]

3 hours ago, tingtongtourist said:

I for one dont miss the BS chat about world events.Is pointless to get yourself all worked up about things you cant change.

 

Talk to western girl and what do you get?

it will soon turn to female equality and this Me too business.zzzzz

I would agree- the longer you live here- the events back home and around the world seem to be far less important.

 

There is an old expression back home - a wife , a dog and a walnut tree- the more you beat them the better they be. I have never quite understood the walnut tree bit. 

 

In this type of thread there always seems to be advice from the alpha male type - tell them who is boss etc etc ( perhaps not beat them - but close)

 

I have no idea why anybody expects a marriage with a Thai to go smoothly- it’s a totally alien culture ( you might as well live with a Martian) . I rather enjoy living with a Thai - it’s all a bit of an adventure- you learn how to deal with situations- don’t get angry , learn some real emotional intelligence, take care of them .( but subtly do not be taken for a ride) 

 

What ever you do, never ever consider so called civilised Western values - which these days are total c**p- they do not relate .

 

Just enjoy life in the Kingdom and don’t let small irrelevant small things upset you. 

[rumak]

My two favorite quotes on this lovely forum:

 

1.  I can explain it to you but I can not understand it for you

 

2.  No woman No kwai     

[JLCrab]

1 hour ago, MaeJoMTB said:

Mine is thinking "how much money should I ask him for?"

 

So MJ I deal long-term with 2 Thai females. They have never met. Neither speaks English. One from Isaan. One from Bangkok. Yet they think exactly the same:

 

Each, if they ask for 1000 baht and I say OK, they quickly say 2000 baht! thinking, if I said OK to 1000, that means that they should have asked for more.
 

[peterb17]

23 minutes ago, JLCrab said:

 

So MJ I deal long-term with 2 Thai females. They have never met. Neither speaks English. One from Isaan. One from Bangkok. Yet they think exactly the same:

 

Each, if they ask for 1000 baht and I say OK, they quickly say 2000 baht! thinking, if I said OK to 1000, that means that they should have asked for more.
 

Why does everything seem to come down to money?  

 

A 1000 baht - means nothing to you ( I presume) to someone from Isaan - quite a lot.

 

So what has your post to do with sorting out the OP with dealing with his marriage problems ? 

 

[55Jay]

When she defaults to "I want a divorce", that's the nuclear option.  She does that to "win", controlling you, knowing you'll back down.

 

Man up and call her bluff.  Then walk away without shouting.  

 

You rebuff the control freak nonsense and put her shit back on her.  It also reduces the chance she will try to exploit this angle again.  She'll roll back to lovey dovey as usual.

 

Or, she really doesn't love you, mate, and her calls for divorce is really real.   You need pull your head out and get to grips with that possibility.  And quit this old fashioned preciousness about your marriage.   You could waste 20 good years being polite and living your life to the expectations of your parents and grandparents.    If there's some religious sub-text to this dogmatic view of marriage, then good luck with that. 

[JLCrab]

10 minutes ago, peterb17 said:

Why does everything seem to come down to money?  

<snip> 

Everything doesn't always come down to money. Sometime it comes down to sex. Or sex and money. Or money and sex.

[transam]

23 minutes ago, JLCrab said:

Everything doesn't always come down to money. Sometime it comes down to sex. Or sex and money. Or money and sex.

You....?

[JLCrab]

3 minutes ago, transam said:

You....?

Yes -- Me. 2 young women. But you really have no idea unless you're getting a little side-action on Mrs. T.

[transam]

1 minute ago, JLCrab said:

Yes -- Me. 2 young women. But you really have no idea unless you're getting a little side-action on Mrs. T.

Me, I got to an age where my young life stuff has not as much importance...Fink it's called the aging process...?

[JLCrab]

God I hope I never get to that point ... No kids but just a few years to go:

 

https://www.thesun.co.uk/tvandshowbiz/3872098/mick-jagger-melanie-hamrick-baby-fathers-day-visit-new-york/

[samsensam]

 

all marriages, and relationships, have their problems, their ups and downs and it's up to you and your partner to recognise this and work together as reasonable and responsible adults (good luck with this bit) to resolve the issues and get through the bad times.

 

relationships aren't made easier when you marry into a different culture and speak different native languages but equally such differences can make a relationship rewarding.

 

 

[Brickbat]

There can be no discussion . Thais have no concept of consequences, and no concept of relationship building ( for your part, I suggest [email protected]). 

Just look at their society. They are ruled like sheep. Be a sheep dog. And stop bleating ( discussions) . However profound you are, you will be accused of “ bon, bon” ( Thai for complain)

 

[peterb17]

2 minutes ago, Brickbat said:

There can be no discussion . Thais have no concept of consequences, and no concept of relationship building ( for your part, I suggest [email protected]). 

Just look at their society. They are ruled like sheep. Be a sheep dog. And stop bleating ( discussions) . However profound you are, you will be accused of “ bon, bon” ( Thai for complain)

 

Gosh - the reason why ‘Big Joke’ goes after the guys who peddle crystal meth - it really does your brain in . 

[smotherb]

I cannot understand how so many men have so many troubles with women; not just Thai women. All of you would-be hire'em and fire'em types are not looking for a relationship; the OP is. If you want a relationship not based on "do what I say or else," you have to communicate. 

[catman20]

6 hours ago, connda said:

Nonsense.  People use to get married in their teens.  Waiting until your in your late twenties to early thirties is the new vision of progressive thought, right along with not having children.  Forming a family out of university is hardly something a 'child' does.  Children who are raised to accept the responsibilities of an adults are adults when they hit the age of majority.  22 isn't 'a child' by any means. 

?  22 isn't 'a child' by any means. 

 

IT IS IN THAILAND ! 22 going on 12

[Lacessit]

4 hours ago, SpeakeasyThai said:

Harley Davidson = noise pollution.

World's largest vibrators.

[Lacessit]

The OP is making a big mistake by shouting.

I talk to my GF in basic Thai, and she talks to me in basic English. I can't recall ever having raised my voice to her. We can make each other laugh with the language barrier.

She thinks she is lucky to have me, and I think I'm lucky to have her. She is older than the average trophy wife. Very street-smart.

We've both been round the block a couple of times. Perhaps experience counts for something.

[atyclb]

applying reason, logic, debate, introspection, retrospective analysis to the majority is futile (exceptions duly noted)

 

the below video could be your best friend just switch "thailand" for "philadelphia" .  and get along, no stress

 

 

[Brayka]

Entirely normal, most Thais see 'discussion' as 'confrontation'. It isn't intheir culture so don't try to do it.

You're the man, your word is law, her duty is to serve you. No discussion, ...........

....................

 

The man is the boss and the woman should serve and listen to the man , I wonder  in which century we live? OMG...a lot has to be done to educate the farang!

You two can make an arrangement and give each other 2 minutes to say whatever is bothering you, without interruption from the other. Try not to blame or be negative towards one another. Just explain what and why you feel misunderstood of are unhappy. Try to lay down in a couch or something, you cannot get mad laying down...

Remember Thai women are not European woman, they think differently, they feel differently. And from the perspective of a man, totally differently.

Keep in mind, man come from Mars, woman from Venus,,,,,that says it all.

Good luck!

 

 

[Jteam]

13 hours ago, wwest5829 said:

Maybe the book, "Thailand Fever" will help reflect on the cultural differences. After 7 years here I am still learning as I go along.

Totally agree. Exact same situation with mine for several years but much worse if things going on underneath or back in country. Highly embarrassing to have it in public or around other people but telling them to have a cool heart only goes so far.

 

Keep an eye out for underlying issues that might be obscured.