Worst Joke Ever 2024

[Andrew Dwyer]

Yes !!

Why is that ??

[Andrew Dwyer]

Gotta reach right to the back [emoji6]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Yup !! and it’s usually salad or spaghetti !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

My new custom bike is finally ready !!

I went with the 12 speed long frame !!

Can’t wait to get this beauty out on the open road !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

That reminds of the time I was on holiday in Mexico and I went to see a local magician.
At the end of his act he said:
“ I will now disappear, uno, dos....”
and poof he disappeared without a tres ????

[Andrew Dwyer]

Dogs say the funniest things !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

Wish I’d have thought of this !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

As Scottie is MIA here are a few really bad jokes just to make him jealous !!

[scottiejohn]

28 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

As Scottie is MIA here are a few really bad jokes just to make him jealous !!

OK you b**gers win.  I see you can't survive without me!!!!!!!????????

[scottiejohn]

Paddy goes on a first aid course. 
The instructor asks, "What would you do if your child swallowed the front door key?"
Paddy said,
"I'd climb in through the window."

An old bloke hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years. 
The hitman says, "I'll shoot her just below her left tit."
The husband replies, "I want her dead not bloody kneecapped!" 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A man who took an airline to court after his luggage went missing...
Has lost his case.

 

I phoned my workplace in Scotland this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."
He said, "You have a wee cough?"
I said, "Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!" 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

The teacher asks Wee Jimmy if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he says, "My daddy taught me.
"Can you tell me what comes after three?"
"Four," answers Wee Jimmy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven," answers Wee Jimmy.
"Very good," says the teacher, your father did a very fine job, what comes after ten?"

"A jack," answers wee Jimmy.
 

[scottiejohn]

[Andrew Dwyer]

A man who took an airline to court after his luggage went missing...
Has lost his case.
 
I phoned my workplace in Scotland this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."
He said, "You have a wee cough?"
I said, "Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!" 
 

Tough people those north of the border !!

Went into a bank in Glasgow and asked a cashier about opening a bank account.
“ Far queue “ she replied !!
Blooming charming I thought !!

[scottiejohn]

11 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

 

Tough people those north of the border !!

This is why, not that I am boasting!!

 

These guys would go into battle with just their bagpipes and their courage!!

Edited May 3, 2019 by scottiejohn

[Andrew Dwyer]

[VocalNeal]

19 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Tough people those north of the border !!

Went into a bank in Glasgow and asked a cashier about opening a bank account.
“ Far queue “ she replied !!
Blooming charming I thought !!

 

A man asked how to cool his cold water tank but most of the replies were tepid.

[scottiejohn]

or maybe a Scottish one! (before you attack me)

[scottiejohn]

We've just come back to CM from a holiday in Spain.
My wife didn't really enjoy it, because everyone could speak English and all the food was like the stuff we eat back at home.
She said,
"Next time, I want to go somewhere where they eat weird stuff that no self respecting English person would ever touch  and you can't understand a word they say."

So I've just booked us a fortnight in Scotland. 
 

Edited May 4, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Paddy gets stopped towing a horsebox on the motorway.
Police ask, "Where you going?"
I'm taking these horses to the races" Paddy says.
"But its empty!?" said the copper.
"I know" says Paddy

 

"I'm taking the non runners first”
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

I was rowing along the Caledonian Canal, when suddenly the Loch Ness Monster attacked and grabbed me from my boat so I panicked and shouted, "God help me”

And suddenly the monster and everything around me just stopped.
A voice from the heavens boomed,
"In the past on many occasions I have heard you say that you don't believe in me, except when drunk when you talk about my son, but now you are asking for my help to save you, why now?
I just looked up and said,

"Well, ten seconds ago I didn't even believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!!" 

[scottiejohn]

[jvs]

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

From your many posts here i can tell you have a sick mind,i have a feeling we could get along.

[ballpoint]

Two antennae got married.  The ceremony wasn't so good, but the reception was excellent.

 

Two spiders got married.  They met on the web.

 

An invisible man married an invisible woman.  The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

My wife told me to go to the corner store and get a loaf of bread.  As I walked out the door she yelled "and if they have eggs, get a dozen."  They had eggs, so I came back with a dozen loaves of bread.

 

 

Edited May 4, 2019 by ballpoint

[ballpoint]

[fasteddie]