Worst Joke Ever 2024

[ballpoint]

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'

Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty nine years.

[ballpoint]

Prince Phillip is visiting Leicester Square one night and is admiring all the neon advertising signs.

In one corner he spots a guy sitting in a hut beside a brazier to keep warm.

Phillip asks him "What is it you do?"

The guy replies "I'm an O watcher."

Phil says " What does that actually entail?"

The guy points to a sign that states COUNTLESS WOMEN USE TAMPAX and says

"I'm here in case the O goes out..."

[fangless]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a confusing golf course, became lost as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his predicament and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are one hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink for all your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, too. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you…"

[fangless]

A young child walks into a shop and says to the person behind the counter

"Can i have some tampax please"

the man says "sure thing are they for your mother?"
Kid says "No"

Man says "for your sister?"

Kid looks bemused and again says "no"

The man with a confused look says  "well why do you want them?"

Kid says  "on the advert it says you can swim run and ride a bike in them and i cannot do any of those things so thought i would give them a try"

[fangless]

[fangless]

[fangless]

How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween?

Pump kin!

[fangless]

My roommate says our house is haunted.

I've been living here for 300 years and I haven't noticed anything!

[tifino]

My Plan 

 

 

 

 

[fangless]

28 minutes ago, tifino said:

My Plan 

 

 

 

 

That would be smooth sailing not needing any ironing out!

[chickenslegs]

52 minutes ago, fangless said:

That would be smooth sailing not needing any ironing out!

That one creased me up. I'm im'pressed'.

[fangless]

52 minutes ago, chickenslegs said:

That one creased me up. I'm im'pressed'.

Not press ganged I hope!

[fangless]

 I am ex Royal Navy and after a long and lucrative and somewhat shady career my will states that for my family and friends etc to inherit anything from me or my estate after my passing they must sign a pledge to dance on my grave after I am buried to show their joyous marks of respect to me.

 

 

 

 

 

What they don't know is that I will be buried at sea!!!

[Seth1a2a]

Here's an honest and unbiased Poll from The Daily Mail:

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[fangless]

A Nigerian prince  fell in love with a working girl from Thailand.
Even though they were miles apart socially the wedding was a black-tie affair

[fangless]

I met a girl in Thailand and when we got back to my hotel I had an unpleasant surprise...
She really was a woman.

[fangless]

On the other hand (see above)

 

I thought I was about to get lucky in Thailand
A lass it was not to be

[sanuk711]

[mrpakchong]

[sanuk711]

[fangless]

Geriatric sex.

An old man and old woman met after both became residents at a retirement home. They began to get pretty friendly, and really enjoyed each others company.

After about 3 weeks of getting to know each other, the old man said to the woman, "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually anymore, but if I pulled out my penis would you hold it?"

The woman did not see what that would hurt, so she said she would. Every day for the next month the couple would sit in the park by the lake and the old woman would hold the man's penis.

One day the man didn't show up at their regular meeting place. The woman became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore she spotted him sitting on a bench, with another woman beside him. She walked up to the bench to find his penis in the other woman's hand.

This upset her very much and she yelled at the old man:
"We have been together for 2 months now, I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't?"

 

"Parkinson's!"

Edited October 18, 2020 by fangless

[fangless]

Two babies are laying in the nursery

One says:
-I'm a boy.
The other one asks:
-How do you know?
1st one replies:
-When the nurse leaves I will show you.
The nurse leaves shortly and the baby lifts up his blanket and says:

 

 

 

-See, I have blue socks on.

[fangless]

A woman had twin babies and fell into a coma immediately after

A couple of weeks later when she recovers and wakes up and asks the doctor, "Where are my babies?"

The doctor replies, "They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl. Your husband had to go back to work on the offshore oilrig and you were out so long that your brother had to name them"

"Oh no! Oh God! What the hell! What did that idiot name them?" The woman screams looking really really concerned as her brother wasn't the sharpest tool in either the tool box or even the shed.

"He named the girl Denise" the doctor replies

"What! he named her that! My God ! I don't believe it! Well that's not so bad. What about the boy, what did he call him?"

"Denephew"

[ballpoint]

A fat woman goes to her doctor and asks,

"What are the easiest exercises I can take to lose weight?"

He replies, "At certain times, just shake your head."

"What certain times?"

"Whenever someone offers you food!"

[ballpoint]

I've washed my hands that much,

I've just uncovered a nightclub stamp from 20 years ago!