Worst Joke Ever 2025

[farang51]

Band On The Run!!

Maybe easier to escape with Wings - or it will be Arrow Through Me.

[overherebc]

Young officer joins the unit straight from Sandhurst.

Next day has CO's interview.

CO says you'll enjoy it here, we have regular mess nights every week.

Monday night we have drink all you can for free.

Subby says sorry I dont drink.

Oh well says the CO on tuesday night the local casino sets up tables and we all enjoy a few bets here and there.

Sorry Sir says the Subby I dont gamble.

CO says well on thursday the local knocking shop sends round a few of their star girls who do a show and you can indulge for free.

Subby says I dont indulge in sins of the flesh with loose women.

CO says  are you gay?

Subby says  no sir I am not.

CO says friday night is going to be a problem for you then

[tifino]

 

Have you ever tried eating a clock?

 

It’s really time consuming, especially if you go for seconds. 

 

 

[Skallywag]

[Skallywag]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Had a great evening at the Autopsy Club last night.

 

 

 

It was open mike night !!

 

 

 

 

( sorry mike ???? )

[VocalNeal]

Now iv'e got to think of a high dwyer joke?

 

Oh Wait? Why was the high dwyer artist denied insurance? Outstanding balance.

[Peter Denis]

10 minutes ago, VocalNeal said:

Now iv'e got to think of a high dwyer joke?

Oh Wait? Why was the high dwyer artist denied insurance? Outstanding balance.

Andrew Dwyer's wife was truly shocked when she entered the bathroom and caught their sexy asian au-pair in the act of giving a towel rubbing to butt-naked Andrew.

But the excuse from miss Wong was straight-faced > I was just making andy dwyer...

= = = = =

????sorry, could not let that open-goal opportunity go by

[Andrew Dwyer]

1 hour ago, Peter Denis said:

Andrew Dwyer's wife was truly shocked when she entered the bathroom and caught their sexy asian au-pair in the act of giving a towel rubbing to butt-naked Andrew.

But the excuse from miss Wong was straight-faced > I was just making andy dwyer...

= = = = =

????sorry, could not let that open-goal opportunity go by

My grandfather used to travel to Germany occasionally and became well known as “ that extremely happy English fellow “.

He used to tell us that he wasn’t that happy but couldn’t resist a smile every time they addressed him as “ Herr Dwyer “

[Andrew Dwyer]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

 

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

 

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

 

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

 

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

 

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

 

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

 

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

 

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

 

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

 

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

 

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

 

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

 

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

 

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

 

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

 

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

 

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

 

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

 

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

 

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

 

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

[tifino]

 

 

product of latest brainstorm 

 

[bluesofa]

12 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

My grandfather used to travel to Germany occasionally and became well known as “ that extremely happy English fellow “.

He used to tell us that he wasn’t that happy but couldn’t resist a smile every time they addressed him as “ Herr Dwyer “

Was he a friend of Herr Flick?

[VocalNeal]

Bit naughty but...

 

 

[Andrew Dwyer]

[bluesofa]

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!

 

I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.

 

I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

 

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.

 

If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common.

 

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

 

Last night in my dream I was peeing in bed. Dreams do come true I realized in the morning.

 

I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it.

 

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

 

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

 

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

 

A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

 

They should build the wall with Hillary's emails because nobody can get over them.

 

I think we should get rid of democracy. All in favour raise your hand.

 

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 

For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.

 

Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway.

 

I named my dog six miles so I can tell people that I walk six miles every single day.

 

Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.

 

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don't dress nice for him any more.

 

[Nigel Garvie]

Antifa was a silly name for them to chose of course. The GOP may be - by and large - a twisted bunch of venal self serving corrupt old geezers, but they are not exactly the 3rd Reich. However I wouldn't mess with this bunch!

[ballpoint]

My dad was a road worker and I didn't believe he was stealing from work, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

[ballpoint]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!"
"Oh, Thank you!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[owl sees all]

A tragedy occurred at Billy Dumb’s circus. A fire rendered the big top useless and all the animals were sold off. Duncan had been the elephant man. He was 23 and had been looking after the elephants for 10 years. He had one favourite elephant called Badu. Duncan had look after Badu since he was a small elephant and had a special bond with him.

 

In the circus ring Dancan and Badu’s main trick was that Duncan put his head on a stool and Badu would put his foot on Duncan’s head; just touching it. Badu would hold his foot there while the crowd gasped and chanted.

 

After the circus was disbanded, Badu found a new home in West Africa while Duncan became a lorry driver.

 

Duncan got married and had children. He would tell them about his wonderful times with Badu.

 

Some years later Duncan’s family were left some money from a deceased relative. The family decided to holiday in The Gambia. Shortly after they arrived they were offered a safari into the wilds. From their vehicle they spotted a group of elephants. “Go closer” Duncan said to the driver. As the vehicle got very close Duncan thought he saw Badu. “That’s Badu”, he said excitedly to his children. "Are you sure daddy?" Duncan got out of the vehicle and approached the elephants. “Do that trick with your head and the elephant’s foot daddy” shouted one of his children.

 

The elephants were watching. Duncan saw a rock and knelt down and placed his head on it. An elephant went over. The elephant lifted his leg and hovered his foot over Duncan’s head. It was not Sabu. Splat!!

[Peter Denis]

A romantic story...

 

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train. Though initially embarassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea!," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own bloody blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Peter Denis]

A Sparkle of Wisdom...

 

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[jvs]

18 hours ago, Peter Denis said:

A Sparkle of Wisdom...

 

 

[chickenslegs]

[vogie]