6 hours ago, billd766 said:

It saves cutting the grass too.

... and trimming your eyebrows.

Gymnasium in ancient Greek means "naked exercise"
Try telling that to the receptionist at Fitness First.

My son was baptised Times New Roman.
I think the priest used the wrong font.

The Nepalese government are planning to charge people up to £10,000 to scale Everest.
I think it's a bit steep.

Went to the doctor today and told him I was tired all the time and could he give me something.
He gave me a 20% off voucher for a new mattress.

For every bloke who fails at life there is usually a woman somewhere with a free house.

Breaking News
Today in Las Vegas a man attempted to hijack a bus full of Japanese tourists.

The police have 3756 photos of him.

Need cheering up?
Start an argument with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!

My daughter just phoned me and the conversation went like this...
Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?"
Me: "Yeah."
Her: "Wind it forward one hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds."
Me: "Right, I've done that"
Her: "Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion!"
Me: "I can see that, yeah."
Her: "Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!"
Me: Okay, I see them."
Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there's a woman gladiator holding a spear."
Me: "Yes! I can see her!"
Her: Right..! Those are the Sandals I want for my birthday.

Ireland is putting a Bounty on Putin's head.

And if that doesn't work, they will put a Mars bar and a Twix as well.