Q: What goes 'Snap, Crackle, Squeak'?

 

A: Mice crispies.

Q: What's purple and shouts 'Help'?

 

A: A damson in distress.

Definitions ...

Suicide: Killing oneself.

Patricide: Killing one's father.

Matricide: Killing one's mother.

Countryside: Killing <fill in the blank>.

New variation of a classic:

 

News headline:

New Zealand goes on Putin's list of "unfriendly countries":

I dropped a thousand baht note yesterday and chased it for miles.

I never caught it but at least I had a good run for my money!

A member of our school brass band was a dyslexic girl.

She played the Toblerone.

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Happily, the wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife:

'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

A coroner was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the coroner commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it, so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, and they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten baht.'

'Ten baht?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'Twenty, baht' the barman replied.

'Twenty baht?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

'Upstairs, with my wife', the bartender replied.

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

At age 12, I was blessed with a nine inch penis.

Three years later, that priest finally went to prison.

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £750 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £750 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow, get a refund and keep the money for myself.'

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'bloody hell, they weren't that creased in the shop'.

Lawyer: Did you kill him?
Me: No.
Lawyer: Do you know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
Me: Much less than murder.