There was a race between a brunette, a redhead and a blond to swim the English Channel, doing only the breaststroke.
After around 30 hours the brunette staggered up on shore and was declared the winner.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up to the finish line in second.
Nearly four hours after that, the blond finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporter asked why it took her considerably longer to finish the race, she replies, "I don't like to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms!"

Nicola Sturgeon has received a warning from police, after being pictured without a face mask in public last weekend.
I know she's no oil painting, but surely that's a bit harsh?

The 'Make Racism History' movement has done a fantastic job.
History is now incredibly racist.

It's a bit cloudy today.
Maybe I should see a urologist.

"I am," is the shortest sentence in the English language.

"I do," is the longest sentence.

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes!' he replied. 'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down.' she says.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?

Breaking..
News has come in that last night, a Russian acrobat was badly injured whilst performing a human pyramid.
A spokesperson for the troop quoted: “I don't know how we can can continue to perform, as we don’t have Oleg to stand on”.

Way back in my army days I was ordered to make a list of all the lamps and bulbs in Buckingham Palace.
I was in The King's Light Inventory.

A lorry containing electrical goods has crashed in Liverpool.

Police expect the road to be clear in five minutes.

The phrase “Who goes there?” has been around for sentries.
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The future of my see-saw business is in the balance.
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My best mate is an expert taxidermist. He really knows his stuff.
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My washing machine was too loud; so I put a sock in it.
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For all you people who can't stand musical puns: you have my symphony.
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The patron saint of playgrounds is Saint Francis of a See-saw.
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Double negatives; they're a no-no.
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You're all invited to my recycling party tomorrow – please bring a bottle.

I’m so tired of hooking up with Thai girls in bars and clubs, they’re only interested in how much money I make.

So I tried internet dating and found a girl who is genuinely interested in me.

We haven’t met yet, but she really wants to know all about me.

For example, she’s been asking:

“What town were you born?”

“What is your mother’s maiden name?”

“What is the name of your first pet?”

I think she might be “the one”.