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A Glaswegian takes his new girlfriend home to introduce to his parents 

"This is Amanda".

Its f***in' what??!!" shouts his father.

I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked to the internet for the best way to serve them. It suggested that I halve the strawberries, dust with icing sugar and pile cream on top.

Don't do this!!!

Pile cream tastes disgusting.

A bloke in hospital is recovering from laser eye surgery.

The surgeon comes in and asks if he wants the good news or the bad news first.

The bloke excitedly asks for the good news.

The surgeon says, "Well, you are about to get a new dog!"

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said,

"You know, a cow died so you could have that burger".

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded,

"Maybe it died because you keep eating all its food!"

I'm off to grow some facial hair...

Must dash!

I went to a dyslexic barbecue today.

We all stood in a line and waited to get our hair cut.

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