One night a Scottish couple took a walk through a beautiful lit up town. The woman says to the man, "Ye want to hold ma hand, don't ye?"
The man says, "Aye, how did ye know?"
"By the gleam in yer eye." So they held hands.
A little down the road the woman says to the man, "Ye want to kiss me don't ye?"
The man says, "Aye, how did ye know?"
She says, "By the gleam in yer eye." So they kissed and kept walking.
A little later the woman asks the man, "Ye want tae make love tae me don't ye?" The man says, "Aye, how did ye know? By the gleam in ma eye?"

"No" she replies, "by the tilt in yer kilt!"
 

Hurt my arm this morning and was in an Edinburgh hospital for an x-ray.
As I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says,
"Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face! Great chieftain o’ the puddin race!"
I turned my head round to the lady sat on my other side and she said,
"Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!"
Surprised, I said to the next doctor walking past,

"here mate is this the psychiatric ward?" He says,

"No, sorry, this is the Burns unit."

Back to normal

 

On 12/19/2018 at 3:55 PM, scottiejohn said:

Thinks for the hant.

An 80 year old lady was arrested for shop lifting.

Judge: “What did you steal?”

She replied, “A small can of peaches.”

The judge then asked her, how many peaches were in the can?

She said, “5 or 6.”

Judge: "OK I think I’ll give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could pronounce the punishment, the husband spoke up and said,

“She also stole large 6 cans of peas!”

1 hour ago, grollies said:

Thinks for the hant.

You were warned not to touch it but since you did

Can i hav sum uf wat ure havin! (sic)

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

 

One is not amused !!

 

6 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

One is not amused !!

Does that mean I win the worst Joke ever? 

Or are you just being (a) Queen for the day?

4 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Stuff the picture start importing that product now!

I promise to be even more 'anodyne' than I am now!

This one has probably been on here before but it’s such a lovely message from a loving wife to her husband it’s worth repeating !!
 

 

 

2 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

This one has probably been on here before but it’s such a lovely message from a loving wife to her husband

'In a very high squeaky voice' I must say it always brings tears to my eyes.

Ps;  Have you got the point yet or is that why you are now a queen. ( see exchanges above!) 

2 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Are you sure you are not at home using the kid's new Xmas present Scalextric and watching the TV if you are doing all that s*it at the same time and not in a real car.

(see 4070/1) above! or are you in full 'Queen mode' now?

10 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Are you sure you are not at home using the kid's new Xmas present Scalextric and watching the TV if you are doing all that s*it at the same time and not in a real car.

(see 4070/1) above! or are you in full 'Queen mode' now?

I’ve told my mummy what you said and she’s going to remove that knighthood for services to bad jokes !!

 

 

53 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I’ve told my mummy what you said and she’s going to remove that knighthood for services to bad jokes !!

Just remember that 'once a Knight' is sufficient, especially at my age!

 

I know you went to a Scottish school and so are as mean as I am but can't mummey afford to buy you a bigger car now, or is this the one you were driving when you saw the flashing lights and your carer came in and tucked you back into your Straight Jacket?

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

Just remember that 'once a Knight' is sufficient, especially at my age!

 

I know you went to a Scottish school and so are as mean as I am but can't mummey afford to buy you a bigger car now, or is this the one you were driving when you saw the flashing lights and your carer came in and tucked you back into your Straight Jacket?

Mummy and I don’t need to drive, we have a professional chauffeur !!

 

 

Kids these days have it easy !!
 

 

I like living life on the edge !!

 

 

 

I’m actually more likely to win the lottery !!

12 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Mummy and I don’t need to drive, we have a professional chauffeur !!

You really must be taking some heavy stuff if you let him drive you around.  I thought you could afford a proper professional driver.

Breaking news:  The police have raided Uncle Ben's cut price circumcision clinic.  It was a rip-off joint.

A 10-year old girl asks her mum: "Mummy, how was I born?"
The mother smiles and replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we shagged without a condom."

A young daughter is at home when her father calls. The daughter picks up.
"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
A brief pause. "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Mummy says I do! He's with Mummy in the room, right now."
Another brief pause. "Uh, alright, here's what Daddy wants you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Okay, I've done it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?"
"Mummy got all scared and jumped out of beds with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she's not moving at all!"
"Oh my god!!! What about the Uncle Paul?!"
"Uncle Paul jumped out of bed with no clothes on too! He got all scared and jumped out the window into the swimming pool. But I think he doesn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and now he isn't moving too!"
A long pause this time. "Swimming pool...? Is this 486-5731?"

35 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Breaking news:  The police have raided Uncle Ben's cut price circumcision clinic.  It was a rip-off joint.

Ouch. Just the thought of that brought tears to my eyes

 

A woman takes her dog named Tits Wobble to a country fair but the dog gets lost.

So she approaches a policeman and asks 'Have you seen my Tits Wobble ?'.

The policeman replies 'No, but I'd sure like to'.

 

Boom tish.

 

Thought it was the rudest and funniest thing I'd ever heard when I was in Grade One.