Seaweed is really good for you. If you're ever in trouble, sea kelp.

 

Can anyone remind me how to use WD-40? I'm a bit rusty.

 

To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian.
 

I'm selling my pet python on eBay, some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?", I said "it's massive", he said "how many feet?" I said "none, its a snake".

 

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. – It’s nice to have a bit of company.

 

Just been stuck behind a tractor all the way into work. Some nutter on the back of it shouting "We're all doomed. The end is nigh. The worlds gonna end today." Turns out it was Farmer Geddon.

What's brown and sits on a wall?

Humpty Dump.

I know it's not much, but you would have laughed if it had a punch line.

I think we're in for a bad spell of wetha.

Bloody immigrants.  I used to have a job holding a flag but now a pole's got it.

Saw a man being arrested by an albino policeman this morning. I thought, "That's a fair cop."

At any given moment, the urge to start singing 'The Lion Sleeps tonight' is just a whim away.

Bought my wife a bucket with a rope attached. It went down well.

getting in early with this one...

 

 

 

 

12 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Just been stuck behind a tractor all the way into work. Some nutter on the back of it shouting "We're all doomed. The end is nigh. The worlds gonna end today." Turns out it was Farmer Geddon.

But he kept ploughing on regardless! 

What a lonely furrow you followed without reaping any benifit!

4 minutes ago, tifino said:

getting in early with this one...

As the bishop said to the actress!

6 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Bought my wife a bucket with a rope attached. It went down well.

All's well that ends well!

Even if it is only a drop in the …….

21 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

What's brown and sits on a wall?

Humpty Dump.

That's a load of cr..

They did put him back!  He is now in the **ite House twittering all the time.

16 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

know it's not much, but you would have laughed if it had a punch line.

May be they were just punch drunk!

 

for something right down @scottiejohn 's alley   ????

 

 

okay... 

 

what is Brown and Sounds like a Bell?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dung...

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I'm selling my pet python on eBay, some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?", I said "it's massive", he said "how many feet?" I said "none, its a snake".

For the benefit of any Europeans who do not get this joke ...

 

Bloke means man.

Rang up means telephoned.

A foot is 30.48 centimetres.

 

Hope this helps.

11 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

For the benefit of any Europeans who do not get this joke ...

 

Bloke means man.

Rang up means telephoned.

A foot is 30.48 centimetres.

 

Hope this helps.

I was thinking of ringing the neck of the reptilian snake in the grass responder above but instead I thought I would keep a manly demure and just put my foot down and worm my way back into this conversation.

 

PS;  Isn't the variety of the English lanuage great!

On 3/25/2019 at 1:14 AM, chickenslegs said:

Some "My wife left me" jokes ...

 

My wife left me due to my obsession with Dusty Springfield. Now I just don’t know what to do with myself.

My wife says she`s leaving me because of an unhealthy obsession with 60's songstress Petula Clark- so Im going Down Town.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with Cher.

If I could turn back time.

My wife said she was leaving me because of her obsession with Cliff Richard.

Now we don’t talk anymore.

My wife said she would leave me because of my Michael Jackson obsession.

I just told her to Beat It.

I think my wife left me because of my obsession with Motown music. She never said anything about it to me ...

I heard it through the grape vine.

I think my wife left me because of my obsession with Manfred Mann. She didn't say anything. I just heard the door slam and I looked out of the window ...

There she was just a-walking down the street.

 

My wife used to get annoyed about my obsession with The Monkees. When she threatened to leave me I thought she was joking ...

And then I saw her face.

My wife left me because of her obsession with Queen , she said 'I want to break free '.

On 11/21/2019 at 9:33 PM, billd766 said:

I did.

me too.

Her husband was lying in hospital dying. He managed to say ' I have to confess something , for the past 2 years I have had a mistress '. 

' I know she says , why else to you think I poisoned you '.

I was doing a crossword in the pub and got stuck on one of the clues, so I asked a wee Scottie fella with a wee Scottie dog standing at the bar "what's a word for trapped on a desert island, 8 letters, starting with M?"

"Marooned" he said.

"That's very good of you. I'll have a large single malt thanks". 

The Doctor I'm seeing for my bad back is from Egypt. He's a Cairo practor.

 

I was a sadistic little devil when I was a kid.  I used to pull the tails off of glowworms.  But, in my defense, they were all delighted.

 

I wasn't sure if the fly spray on sale was what I needed, so I asked the assistant "is this any good for wasps?"

"No", he said, "it kills them".

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

I was doing a crossword in the pub and got stuck on one of the clues, so I asked a wee Scottie fella with a wee Scottie dog standing at the bar "what's a word for trapped on a desert island, 8 letters, starting with M?"

"Marooned" he said.

"That's very good of you. I'll have a large single malt thanks". 

How long did you spend in hospital?