In a show of personal wit, three top students were competing in the classroom one morning to gain the status of who is the smartest and most clever.
The teacher tried to work it out for them with a challenge to decide the outcome by asking each student to answer the same question using  three components in their answer.
The first component must be the name of a fruit.
The Second component must include something a person wears.
The third component must include something a dog can do.
The question is:
Using the 3 components only, give the best description of an old person
The first student was Karen, after a four-minute thought she replied:
Raisin Coverall Bark with an explanation of raisin for wrinkles, coverall for the entire old person will be covered with bark being the skins texture: a definition of an old person.
The next student was Adam, who was laughing at her stupid answer, and after only two minutes of pause his answer was cleverer than Karen’s which was:
Prune trousers sit, Adam knew he had won with his definition of an old person.
Finally, it was Johnny’s shot, and without a moments hesitation he shouted really fast:
“Cherry Hat Tricks”
Johnny aced it.

 

Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day.

If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price!

Just read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden from here in England?

My Dad is 95 years old and he doesn't even use glasses......

He drinks straight from the bottle.

I asked my boss for a raise because 3 companies are after me!

He asked me which ones?

I replied: gas, water and electric!!

An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.

When the interview was over, the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.

“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”

After thinking for a while, the Irishman took the pencil, drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not nine!”

“Oh yes, it is”, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, “Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!”
The interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.

After thinking for a long while, the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not ninety-nine!” “Oh yes, it is”, said the Irishman, “Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.”

The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off, so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all; therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time, the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil, drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three, and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not 100!”

“Oh yes, it most certainly is”, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent,

“Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100

I know a lot of jokes about retired people.

But none of them work.

 

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Abdul Hyderabadi on his wedding night finding that his wife was a virgin exclaims: "I want to kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity."

She gives a naughty smile and says: "Kiss my a$$!"

????????