Putin dies and goes to hell, but a few years later he gets permission to leave hell and to visit Moscow for a day -

Goes to a pub in Moscow, orders a few drinks and asks the bartender:
Crimea is still ours ? - Yes, bartender says
Donbas is still ours ? - Yes, ours
Is Kiev also ours?? - Yes yes, ofcourse it is ours
Wow, amazing ... how much for the drinks ?

15 Euros please - Bartender says
 

A couple living in a dodgy neighborhood agree to get a mean-looking dog for protection.

The wife goes to a local breeder and tells him what she needs. He points to a tiny, chihuahua-like dog and says

"Ma'am, that's the meanest one we have."

She obviously doesn't believe him so he says "Attack dog, the fence!" The dog instantly goes into a frenzy and tears the wooden fence of its kennel to splinters.

The woman is convinced so she buys the tiny dog and takes it home. When her husband sees it he asks in disbelief:

"What the hell is that?"

Wife: "This is our new attack dog."

Husband: "Ah what? an Attack dog!  my balls..."

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang:

When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there.

The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again.

When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again.

This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang.

When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again.

It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.

The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.

He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said. "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

Yummy 

10 minutes ago, Crossy said:

Well why don't you send them to me then if she doesn't want them?

8 minutes ago, roo860 said:

Yummy 

Seems like it could be "finger lickin good"!

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s*** out of all of you!

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago

Seems legitimate...

 

Nigerian astronaut lost in space needs $3m to get home