13 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

That is indeed a big aerosol.

 

Bloody self correct.

Lenny meets an older woman at the bar.

After the third drink the woman says, “you know, I’m fifty-eight.”

Lenny is shocked. “Damn, you look great for fifty-eight.”

She says, “Thanks. Sexually I feel like I’m still in my 20’s. Speaking of sex, have you ever had a mother daughter threesome?

Lenny can’t believe what he’s hearing.

“I’ve fantasized about it often, but no I have not”. Lenny smiles and says, “I’m hoping that might change tonight.

The woman smiles back and says, “Tonight is your lucky night.”

They have a couple more drinks and then grab a cab to her place.

They walk in the door, she turns on the hall light, and shouts up the staircase, “Hey Mom! You still awake!?”

My Son is taking part in a social science experiment. He has to wear a Trump 2024 t-shirt for two weeks and see how people react. So far he's been spat on, punched and had a bottle thrown at him. Now I'm very concerned about what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

Tall people sleep longer in bed.

I said to the vicar: "This is a lovely old church vicar"
He said: "It's Norman".

I said: "Oh right, this is a lovely old church Norman".

Forgive me Father, Padre or Priest, for I have synonymed.

The man sitting next to me on the train this morning was doing a crossword.

He didn't see the funny side when I told him seven up was lemonade.

I just got a new pet, and I've never had a pet before, so I went on a pet group online to get some tips.

Someone on there said you should always get your pet a companion as its cruel to keep them in the house all day alone.

Well so far I've bought 3 kittens, 4 puppies, 2 rabbits and 5 guinea pigs, but all my python wants to do is eat them.

Imagine the identity parade????????

During the church service, the pastor asked if anyone would like to comment on the power of prayer.

 

Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said,” Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

 

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

 

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remains of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”

 

The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.

 

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely.” Susan went back toward her seat.

 

All the men in the congregation sighed with relief.

 

The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.

 

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”

 

The entire congregation held its breath.

 

Phil continued “I just wanted to tell my wife the word is sternum, not scrotum.”