Paddy and Mick have been out all night spending their hard-earned wages from navvying through the day in the blazing heat in good old England. They've staggered all the way home, shared out half a boiled egg each for 'tea' and are now settling down for the night, completely bladdered and worried about being able to get up in the morning. Thankfully, Paddy remembers he has a suitcase of alarm clocks for some reason, in among the lumps of Plasticine his cousin Seamus asked him to look after for him (but not tell anyone about), so he takes one out.

Paddy says to Mick: "Oi'l set de alerm clock fer six den should I, Mick?"

Mick just looks at Paddy and says: "Whoy, der's only two of us?"

 

Language humor - although not a native speaker this one makes me laugh every time I read it!

 

RIP to these underachievers !!

 

>> A somewhat drastic approach, but effective

 

Dogs nowadays ????

 

 

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.

but it's not so bad

 

He can stop any time he wants.

 

 

   The Power of Positive Thinking

 

      in three weeks it's my birthday...

 

Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We's sergeants now, so hush your mouth!"
So they have their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." "Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"
"Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

Jurgen Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play football. Kloppy is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your bleeding fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'