5 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Newly released Book Titles

                Robots by Anne Droid

                Songs from South Pacific by Sam and Janet Evening

                Karate and Judo by Marsha Larts

                Pain in My Body by Otis Leghurts

                She Was Naked by Oliver Klozoff

                Fixing Computer Programs by Dee <deleted>

                How to Write a Will by Benny Fishery

                Predicting the Future by Claire Voyant

                It Won’t Work! by Mel Function

                It’s All In Your Head by Madge Ination
 

And the classics:

"Under the Bleachers" by Seymour Butts 

"Fifty Yards to the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit and Betty Dont 

A camel and his son are watching the world go by.

The younger camel looks up to his father and says: “Dad, why have we got these great big humps on our backs?”

The father camel looks down on the son and says: “Well, son, it is so that we can travel for miles in the desert without stopping for water.”

The young camel listens intently and says, “Wow, I never knew that!”

A few minutes later, the younger camel says: “Dad, why do we have really thick eyelids?”

The father answers, “To protect our eyes so that our pupils are not scratched by sand storms.”

“Wow!” the young camel says.

 A couple of minutes later the younger camel says: “Dad, why have we got such huge feet?”

 “Well, son,” the father camel replies, “ Sand can get very hot and If we have to walk over any we can travel much more easily and painlessly.”

  “Wow,” says the son.

 

“Dad, all that is very well but what good is any of it to us since we were born and bred in this Zoo in Scotland?”

27 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

And the classics:

"Under the Bleachers" by Seymour Butts 

"Fifty Yards to the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit and Betty Dont 

Some more since you (haven't) asked for them;

 

● Taming Wild Cats by Claude Face.
● Making Weatherproof Clothes by Ranier Day.
● All Aboard! by Abel Seamann.
● One Hundred Metres to the Bus Stop, by Willy Makit, 
● The Greatest Detective Stories Ever Told by Watts E. Dunn.
● Improve Your Target Shooting by Mr Completely.
● Monster-making as a Hobby by Frank N. Stine.
● The Worst Journey in the World by Helen Back.
● Discipline in the Home by Wilma Child-Begood.
● How to Diet Successfully by M. T. Cupboard.
● My Years in a Lunatic Asylum by I. M. Nutty.
● Grow Your Own Vegetables by Rosa Carrotts.
● Tape Recording for Beginners by Cass Ette.

It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy’s mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their free holding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water 
all over the pigs. 
When he got back inside his mother, who had watched through the window was furious. 
“How dare you!” she fumed. 
“For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs.” You can have dry toast and water instead.

Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over their female cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said,

 

“Are you going to tell him about pussy or shall I?” 
 

An old woman had been going to the same doctor for over 50 years and during that time had made his life a living hell by constantly complaining about one thing after another. 
Eventually, however, she died and was buried in the local churchyard, but it was less than a month later that the doctor also died and was buried in the next plot to her. For a few minutes after the mourners had gone all was quiet and then the doctor heard tapping on the side of his coffin. 

“What is it now, Mrs Mowner?” he signed. 
“Can you give me something for worms, doctor?” 
 

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the cashier and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for £50," she says. "£50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog.” "Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs and use it's tongue on other parts of the male anatomy."

 

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special values. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. 

 

The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks." What are you two doing down here?" she asks.

 

Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
 

6 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

AH!

At last a jelly I can get my teeth into!

I'd have thought you'd want to get your teeth out of it.

43 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I'd have thought you'd want to get your teeth out of it.

When I do I will grab yours as well as long as you promise they won't bite!

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