A badass is driving with his friend in a Ferrari, and he speeds through a red light
His friend shouts, "What are you doing?! You just ran that light!"

"I'm just a badass and I like doing things like that" He laughs.

He continues to speed through each red light three way junction, and his friend cowers and shouts at his friend all the way.

"I can't take it anymore! We're going to get hit!"

"C'mon, I'm a badass, my man! I know what I'm doing."

At a  crossroads, he pulls to a stop at a green light.

The friend says, "You're kidding me. Why did you stop?"

 

"Gotta keep an eye out for those other stupid badasses."

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said

"Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted,

"Fluck you Americans too!"
 

Shocking statistics show that somebody in London gets stabbed every 72 seconds
Poor guy!

He won't live long unless they get him to hospital soon!

A man driving a Kia is stuck in traffic in a west county village.

The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, 
"Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."
The Kia driver continues,
"Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge in the back of my Kia!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, getting irritated, responds, 
"Yes, there's a refrigerator."
Not backing down, the Kia driver asks, 
"That's cool, man! 
What about a TV? I've got a TV in my Kia's backseat!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, increasingly annoyed, says, 
"Yes, there's a television. A Rolls-Royce is the epitome of luxury vehicles!"
The Kia driver says, 
"Amazing car! But, do you have a bed in there? I've got a bed in the back of my Kia!"
Frustrated that his car lacks a bed, the Rolls-Royce driver speeds off. He heads straight to the dealership and orders a bed to be installed in his Rolls. The following morning, he picks up his car, and the bed looks fantastic, complete with silk sheets and elegant brass accents. It's undoubtedly a bed suited for a Rolls-Royce.

The Rolls-Royce driver spends the entire day searching the same villagefor the Kia. Finally, late that night, he spots the Kia parked with fogged-up windows. He gets out of his Rolls-Royce and knocks on the Kia's window. 
At first, there's no response, but then the Kia owner pokes his wet soapy head out.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the Rolls-Royce driver declares smugly.

The Kia driver replies, 

"Did you really drag me out of the shower just to tell me that?!

Bud light has always been a woke trans beer!
It's water that identifies as beer!

Two blondes walk into a building!

You’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

Drugs seem to be everywhere now!

I recently bought a new answering machine and it came with this prerecorded message;

“…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his Mr Whippy van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself by accident.

The whip round for his funeral is tomorrow! 

I went to the pharmacist with a strawberry growing out of my head yesterday and asked him for some cream to put on it.”

He got very tarty for some reason!

 

I took my English Mastiff old dog  to the vet the other day.

I said

“My old dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” said the vet,

“let’s have a look at him.”

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,

“I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? I cried just because he’s old and cross-eyed?”

 

“No, because he’s really heavy”

Guy goes into the doctor’s.

“Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.”

How’s that?”

 

PS;  I wonder if he's got the runs yet!